Currently Browsing: Alone

I Feel Empty…

Posted by in Alone on Jul 30th, 2011 | 41 comments

My name is Sparky, for the purpose of anominity but also to give a personal touch to what I am writing. I am a 17 year old boy and basically, I have lost the will to live.

I lack the social understanding and emotion required to function properly in this world. I cannot form relationships, I cannot feel peoples pain, and I cannot feel happy. Every day I go about pretending I’m okay, but the truth is I feel nothing but hurt and regret. I’m a waste time and space because I lack the motivation required to achieve things. I misiturpret the most basic of social cues and for those reasons I have never had a friend, let alone a girlfrined. I simply can’t see the point anymore. Out of the millions of sperm that could have made it, all those people with the potential to be something great, I was born. And I hate myself for it. I haven’t been hugged in four and a bit years (my parents don’t like me enough to.) I feel like an alien. I don’t belong in this world and it gets to me more and more every day I continue existing. Therefore surely I deserve the quiet and comfort of death, if not because of what I’ve been through then surely because I’ve done nothing to deserve this so caled “gift.” Nothing to contribute to the world I live in.

I write not because I seek attention but because the last spark of humanity inside me is telling me that I need help. Therefore,I ask of it here. If anyone can explain to me why I should continue to live, then please comment something. I feel empty, and I need to be whole again more than I know.

my life is ending

Posted by in Alone on Jun 26th, 2011 | 26 comments

I’m afraid that I’m goin to end my own life. I’m 16 girl with no shoulder to cry on i may be depressed. My mom has many mental isssues so does my older bro. When you look at me i seem to be a normal happy teen. You ask me if I’m ok I’ll tell you I’m fine but everynight i cry myself to sleep. I’m naturally goofy which gives people a good excuse to yell at me I’m no bad kid never been in any serious trouble but they still feel the need to yell. I started cutting myself few months ago just lil baby cuts at first but they’ve gotten deeper and deeper I’m afraid ill go too deep. Ive thought about suicide many times before almost went through with it new years day everything has been getting worse my cousin just killed himself last week but nobody wonders how i feel don’t ask if I’m ok on top of all this I’m 2 things that my family hates gay and wiccan. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the one to put an end to my life. Please help me

I just want somebody to hold me

Posted by in Alone on Jun 4th, 2011 | 6 comments

I feel so desperate and I don’t know why. I’ve always lived in the shadow of my autistic sibling and my parents both love him so much. I know that they love me too but they don’t show it enough, not enough for me to understand that anyway.
My friend is always moaning about her stupid problems and all I want to do is turn on her and say, “So you got dumped by a boy? I’ve been so ******* miserable for god knows how long and you never notice!”
Nobody notices because I wake up in the morning and stick this massive fake smile on my face. But now I’ve had enough. It’s getting to the point where I wish death upon everybody I love and I feel so.. so drained.
I make up this fantasy life in my head, where I’m pretty and I’m a single child with no diabled brother and I have people who are kind and hold me whenever I feel like I want to scream.
“Are you alright?” “Yes, Mum..” “Okay, whatever.” **** YOU **** YOU **** YOU, I’M ******* MISERABLE!!

Something wrong with my mind

Posted by in Alone on May 29th, 2011 | 2 comments

I constantly have feelings of hurting myself. Not wanting to kill myself, but wanting to cut myself or purge so many times I become dehydrated and sick. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, bulimia and borderline personality disorder.

I only have 9 credits left to get my bachelors degree. The problem is that I am medically suspended from the University until they determine I’m stable and able to complete my classes. I have NEVER been a danger to other people, just myself. I feel so much pressure to be OK, but it is just causing more stress.

I was just forced to change my doctor and therapist in the last month and feel like I have no where to turn. I want to be normal, but it feels like nothing will get better. People just think that bipolar people are crazy, but I’m an incredibility bright, creative and very logical person in the in between times when things are OK. I just want to be that normal person again.

Single for life

Posted by in Alone on May 12th, 2011 | 15 comments

I’m 24 and have never had a boyfriend.

I’m Done

Posted by in Alone on May 12th, 2011 | 3 comments

My parents divorced last summer. All my dad cares about is money, and all my mom wants to do is get rid of me so she can go date someone. I’m just baggage from a marriage neither of them wanted.
I’ve lost approximately nine friends because I lashed out about how I felt. My friend since preschool abandoned me for some other girl, and since he’s gay, he gets uncomfortable when I just hug him.

I want to die. I’m done living alone like this.

Im Gay

Posted by in Alone on May 11th, 2011 | 5 comments

I’m openly gay at my school, and while I have a close group of extremely supportive friends, they are all girls. Guys just don’t talk to me at my school anymore and that makes me really sad. I hope I’m not making them uncomfortable, I just want to fit in, but I’m not going to change the way I am. Sometimes I feel like its my fault.

I barely feel human…

Posted by in Alone on May 8th, 2011 | 63 comments

Hi. My name’s Sparky for the purpose of anonimity but for that feeling of conectedness as well. Please bear with my story and if you can just comment a suggestion or even a friendly word would be nice.

I’m a 17 year old boy and I’ve never had a friend. That’s right. Not one, my whole life. My parents throughout my whole childhood kept trying to make friends for me but I soon realised it was a hopeless effort on their part. They gave up eventually too.
I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome when I was 3. My parents didn’t tell me til I was 13. I was mercilessly bullied in secondary school and eventually developed multiple personality disorders as a result.
I feel totally unlikeable and I have been on my own all my life. I just want someone to tell me they care, to include me in something, to talk to me.

I’ve reached a point where I can no longer muster the courage to talk to people my own age, and I’m too shy to even stand up for myself. I feel so worthless right now.
I wait every day hoping someone will come and say hello.

I barely feel human. Just needed to get this out of my system. If anyone reads this, then thankyou for your time and the fact that you care enough to read this.

I can’t stop cheating

Posted by in Alone, Sex on May 5th, 2011 | 29 comments

I have been with the girl of my dreams for 6 years, and yet I can’t stop cheating on her. I crave the thrill that comes with every new chase. I’ve had relationships on the side, ranging from a one night stand to a one year relationship.

We just graduated from college, and talking about getting married. I don’t know how to tell her that she can do so much better.

So Alone

Posted by in Alone on May 4th, 2011 | 2 comments

I’ve been depressed, I’ve realized for several years, I’ve only just now acknowledged this. There are many instances in my life so far that have diminished my sense of worth. My parents divorced when I was three and I raised by my mother. My father left and moved to another state. I’ve met in three times in my 25 years and each of those times I wished he hadn’t come to see me because it always got my hopes up that he would stay forever, but he didn’t. A part of me hates him for not caring enough to stay.

Then there’s my mother, who I love very much, but we have our differences. She sheltered me my whole life. I know she only wanted to protect me from bad things or becoming like some of my relatives, but because of this I missed out on things I never got to experience.

While my friends in high school were planning where they were going to go to college and what they wanted to do with their lives, I was avoiding the idea of a future. I didn’t want anything to change. I still have this issue with change and I sabotage any happiness I could have. It’s something I’m working on changing.

I’m currently a Junior in college and since I’ve been there, I haven’t made the effort to make friends. I haven’t had a friend in seven years, which breaks heart because it’s mostly because I’m too afraid for people to know me and of being rejected. I’m horrible at conversations, it’s been so long since I’ve had a friend that I don’t know how to talk to people. I desperately try to fill this void, but I always end up feeling empty. I know I need to let go of the past and move forward, but sometimes it’s so hard. I want to reach my full potential, but I don’t know how.

Birthdays

Posted by in Alone on Apr 20th, 2011 | 8 comments

I haven’t had a birthday party in 18 years because i’m afraid no one will show up.

failing

Posted by in Alone on Apr 14th, 2011 | 10 comments

I was saved in November. I feel like at first I changed so much. My life is so different, but now I feel stagnant. I feel almost empty. I want God. I have pursued him to a point that I have bible studies every day. I felt the distance then, so I quit some to focus more on personal disciplines. It has improved, but it is still there. Distance. Feeling like he isn’t there even though scripture tells us he is. I don’t know how to improve this. I want him more than anything. I am terrified of the life I live. I would never choose it again…but if he doesn’t come back I am worried it will be inevitable.
I also almost began a relationship with a guy in my ministry. However, we literally did nothing besides go to church together. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him at times. I look at his facebook daily. I want to block him but feel like it is inappropriate because we are in ministry together. I also agreed to work at a camp with him this summer. A week of him ignoring me and making me feel awful? when I would rather it be a week of sharing God’s light with these young girls. I feel like the issues with him has something to do with the distance. I have experienced so much freedom from guys, except him.
Finally, I am fasting this week. I set up all these things I would fast from. All I have basically failed. I feel like a large part has been the load of everything else that maybe time wasn’t good. but that with the distance, I just feel like such a failure. I’m so very discouraged. :( and I have no clue how normal this is.

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