i feel like this everyday.

Posted by prettygirldead in Alone on Sep 3rd, 2010 | 1 comment

not a day goes by that i dont feel like drowning myself or harming myself in some fatal fashion.

have no reason to live

Posted by sabrina in Alone on Aug 28th, 2010 | 3 comments

my dad beats me.
my moms dead.
my boyfriend makes me cry more than he makes me smile,
hes cheating on me,
i have scars from him and my dad.
i have no reason to live and i like it when my dad and boyfriend beat me because at least they know im there..

oh and by the way im 13.

to america

Posted by mommy and daddy in Alone on Aug 26th, 2010 | 12 comments

my husbands job is to go fight for your freedom, while im home alone with new born triplets.while his job is saving your lives and protecting your rights,its ruining my life and our marriage.

Loser (pt 2)

Posted by Wrecked_Life SALVAGED in Alone on Aug 23rd, 2010 | 7 comments

This is a follow-up tp my first entry: “Loser.”

After putting those thoughts out of my head, and out “on the table” here on Secret Confessions, I was able to see through my situation in a moment of clarity. It helped to read the words and process the idea that I wanted to die, and in doing so I realized that it’s not death that I want, but I WANT TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE.

I want a renewal. I started by cleaning up around my house (clearing my space). I turned off the phone, tv, etc, anything that could distract me. I threw out the stacks of paper put away the laundry. I cut the grass, and when it began to rain, I did not stop. I continued until it was done. I don’t care what the neighbors may think, the rain washed away the pain and tears. It was liberating.

I rode my bike that had been sitting collecting cobwebs, until it made me puke. It hurt like hell, but with each breath that burned my chest I felt a sensation of becoming more free.

I realize that no matter what, I have too much life in me to throw it all away. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me right now, this is MY life, and I have to forgive myself for my flaws.

I hope this will inspire some of you who may feel you’re at the end of the road to press on and triumph over this moment in your life. Start by doing something nice for yourself. If it’s love you want, show some love to yourself, even for being imperfect. It doesn’t take much to start. It can be as simple as taking a bath. Plant that seed, and it will flourish.

The only way to be a Loser would be to give up on life.

Loser

Posted by Wrecked_Life in Alone on Aug 22nd, 2010 | 1 comment

I came here looking for a place to put this deep rooted feeling of self disgust.
I am 34, I will be 35 soon. I feel like a total failure, as every relationship I have had ended in disaster.
I went from a woman I totally loved and was faithful to, and a child who died before birth, to a string of failed relationships with men, only to be diagnosed HIV pos two years ago.
I took the meds and became “undetectable” , but the side effects of the medication, to include hallucinations and suicidal thoughts, has become overwhelming. I frequently miss companionship with a female, but I don’t date females because I can’t be open about my situation. The guy I am seeing knows, and has the same circumstance, but this aside, we have little else in common, and often clash. It doesn’t help the matter that I don’t have much desire for men anymore.
I haven’t told anyone in my family, I just don’t want to deal with their drama. They’re so anti-gay and narrow minded if I so little as catch a cold they will assume I am dying of AIDS.
Everyday I open my eyes I struggle to make it. I feel like my life is doomed, and the best thing for me to do is die, and if I am lucky, next lifetime will be better. If there is a hell, it can’t be much worse than this. I just don’t have the courage to kill myself.
I will say, if I take enough of those Atripla all at once, that just might do it.

i hate myself

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Aug 13th, 2010 | 2 comments

i always feel so alone, like nobody loves me. I spend most of my time in my room. when im in public, i put on an act, like everything’s alright. when i’m alone, i cry, sometimes without knowing why. I cut myself, it makes me feel better. sometimes i feel that ending it all will be better than trying to endure it.

Scared And Depressed

Posted by Anon in Alone on Jul 29th, 2010 | 4 comments

I am 17 and the doctors think im going through menopause; i have always dreamed of having kids, so this is like losing a family member.

my mother is kicking my friend who was living with us out, and im too scared to live at home with my mother, even though i know its the right place for me.

my mother never listens to me unless it affects her. She continually puts me down and makes me feel like a burden to her.

im failing school, even though im a bright student, all i want to do is sleep, i sleep 10 – 15hours at a time unless i force myself to get out of bed, but when i do i dont feel like ever doing anything.

i want to drop out of school and do a photography course, its amazing, its early mornings but its something i enjoy; but mum says unless shes getting centerlink im not doing it.

i seriously am watching the world around me crumble to pieces, and theres nothing i can do to stop it

i just want someone

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Jul 29th, 2010 | 3 comments

all i want is someone to not leave me and be with me.

The love of my life left me and I don’t know what to do

Posted by anon in Alone on Jul 23rd, 2010 | 17 comments

It’s been almost 3 months since we last talked. I am getting worse insted of better. I am seriously thinking of taking my life. I was in love with him for 8 years. I watched him marry someone else and I myself married someone else. I slept with him the night I got married. He never would have me though as his girl. He was always so good and kind to me. Just didn’t want me. A year and a half ago I moved back to Texas after being gone for 2 years, we were not in contact but I had watched him and his life via facebook and myspace without his knowledge. It killed me.

He emailed me out of the blue and said he was getting divorced, I wanted him so much. I ran to him. I was still married and it was a nightmare. I was trapped financially with no support. He was my rock. We made love the first time I had seen him in 2 years and He told me he loved me. I felt alive for the first time ever. Things were ok but he didn’t want to move forward with our relationship.

Last winter I became pregnant. He told me he wanted me to abort, as neither of us were in a situation to have a baby. I knew he was right but I wanted his baby. I aborted because I dind’t want him to think I was a shrew of a woman who was trying to trap him. It broke my heart but I had him and he promised to always be in my life.

3 months ago he moved in a new roomate and decided I was not welcome anymore. He left me with no explination and hasnt talked to me since. Our baby would be due now. I left my husband last spring and thought things were going to be so wonderful.

Now im 34, alone with nothing and the person I love more than anything in this would has betrayed me like I never thought.

I want to end my life.

Wish I was dead

Posted by broken in Alone on Jul 19th, 2010 | 13 comments

I completely hate myself. I’m 32, have been depressed for over half my life and I really don’t think I can deal with it any more.

It feels as though the end is coming, as I have no energy left. I can’t deal with being the repulsive, disgusting, ugly, awkward, anxious, unlovable, emotionally ****** up mess that I am. I find almost no pleasure in anything I do, and I’m tired of being constantly rejected by women. I’m clearly not enough of a man, whatever the **** that’s meant to mean. Maybe if I was more confident or more of an arrogant bastard people would respect me, but it’s just not who I am. I don’t even know where to begin

I have nothing to look forward to, and lifetime of regrets, my main one being that I didn’t successfully kill myself when I was 19. I know it’s the norm to say ’suicide is the most selfish thing you can do’, but as I see it, everything people do is selfish. It seems incredibly selfish for people to want me to carry on my miserable existance. And that’s all I do, exist – I don’t have a real life like most people. I’ve managed to make my life a complete mess.

I think that’s it. I really don’t know what else to say

Screwed over by my Fiancee

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Jul 2nd, 2010 | 4 comments

Today was my Birthday, the big 30. I paid for my fiancee to fly down to see me for the weekend since I am stuck at work for my two weeks on cycle. This morning while on my way to the airport she calls and says her parents stopped over to celebrate Canada day. I spent 1500 on airfare to get a 15 min phone call and a picture message of her and her parents saying happy birthday.

feeling pathetic is taking its toll on me

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Jun 29th, 2010 | 3 comments

I feel like an utter failure at 30. I am happy that I’m teaching art. I feel like I’m doing a good thing with these little kids. They’re assholes but I love em. But I feel like a loser because its just a safe place for me that I’m accepting. I want to start a business facepainting. In my area there are only a handful of people that do it and I think I could find a niche because I’m a lot better at it than the folks I’ve seen do it. I’m like a raft on the river that just bobs along any which way the current takes me, I make no true choices for myself.

I feel like I am trapped by my parents. I love my parents intensely, but they’re very sick and very old, and I feel that if I’m not nearby, they’ll be screwed. I moved back home because I felt that that was the only way I could save them. I have no life here. But the guilt that I would feel if I left would crush me I think. They’re so so sick. I hate watching them get worse and worse but there’s nothing I can do. I know I’m watching them die and its gonna hurt so bad when it finally happens, I don’t know what I’ll do.

I still pine away for my first love. I think I’ve allowed him to ruin anybody else for me. He was a lousy boyfriend, yet he was the most amazing boyfriend. I feel like I’ll never find anyone that comes close to him. We talk often, and I’ve more or less told him how I still feel about him, and how I would dive in if he wanted to be with me again. Basically I made a fool of myself. He doesn’t ******* want me. He always ends the phone call. It’s so embarrassing. I can never end a phone call because I don’t want to stop talking to him. And instead of growing some balls and moving on, my heart leaps up into my throat everytime I hear the cell ring and see his name light up on my phone. My heart leaps into my throat. ******* ridiculous.
I’m really angry because I let him back in. When he moved away with that girl, I MADE him not exist anymore. I demanded that he not call me anymore and I refused to call him anymore. We both kept our ends of the deal. And after a couple of years, I felt better. I made him not exist anymore and I felt normal. Then one day he called. And I took the call.

Now that we talk, I even made up a lie that I’m currently in a relationship because I was afraid that he would know that I was still in love with him and unable to move on. ITS SO PATHETIC! So now, when he asks me a question about “Mike” I have to add on to the stupid lie that I started. “oh yeah…Mike and are gonna go downtown and visit the art galleries tonight” Somedays he’ll ask something about “Mike” and I’m like, “who?…oh yeah! mike!”

The worst is that I think that because I am the way that I am, I’ll never find another person to love me. I’m and awkward girl. I don’t know how to flirt, I don’t enjoy clubs or the typical places you meet guys. I can’t look in the mirror and actually say I feel attractive. I simply have days where I feel ok about my looks and days where I feel crappy about my looks. Once in a blue moon I feel pretty. I think I might be developing an overeating disorder. I will tell myself “this is ridiculous…I’m gonna start eating a little less” and my brain immediately seems to say “don’t you dare put any restraints on me…I’m gonna eat everything up in this motherf##ker” And thats exactly what I do.

So now I’m 30. I’m trapped in my dying parent’s home. I’m still desperately in love with a man that doesn’t love me back. I eat too much and I nickel and dime my paychecks away.

I want to handle these things better. I want to be loved.