Currently Browsing: Addiction

I never knew

Posted by in Addiction on Nov 4th, 2010 | 5 comments

I have drank 100$ of hard alcohol a week since I was 18, I am only 20. I dont drink it at parties or with friends, I drink it alone because its what I feel I need to do, It scares me. I dont want to be like this anymore.

what am I supposed to do????

Posted by in Addiction on Sep 16th, 2010 | 28 comments

Im a 36 yr old female, married to a wonderful guy, and we have 2 beautiful girls…ages 13 & 11…we have a pretty good family life , and are very happy…once in a while we like to smoke pot…well my 13 yr old isn’t stupid and found out…and is very upset with us and I’m not sure how or what to say to her…we give her everything…both of them..they don’t go without anything…but in her eyes we r now criminals…(her words) any advice out there let me know
thanks

circle of years

Posted by in Addiction on Sep 11th, 2010 | 5 comments

He says he loves me -then makes a huge scene when he has to come help me because my car breaks down. He says he’s proud of me for losing weight-then accuses me of cheating on him in front of his friends.
I have given this man my life-and he has broken me down with his words, his temper, his violence, and his addictions……
when is enough – ENOUGH??

Looking for a substitute

Posted by in Addiction on Sep 4th, 2010 | 2 comments

I started cutting when I was thirteen. Death of my brother.
I didn’t do it often or deep. I was actually using it at the time as a way to make myself look more depressed. Not really for outright attention. But for “behind my back” attention. I wanted people to wonder what was going on in my life.
I didn’t get the attention I wanted and stopped cutting for a while. About four months.
My scars were not severe, but I liked having them even if I was a little embarassed of them after I quit cutting.
As another attempt at attention, I carved “DIE” into my wrist. Quickly I was extremely ashamed of that, and cut more onto my wrist to hide the word. I felt like everyone could read it and continued to cut. Then I was worried how the cuts looked, and tried to cut them to look more random, like a cat or something was trying to grab at my wrist.
It stopped hurting pretty soon.
My friend saw it.
My grandmother saw it.
I told them it was my cat, and I’m sure neither believed me at the time.
I became more and more depressed.
People were forgetting my brother.
People were forgetting me.
I started to cut for myself when I was fifteen.
I thought for a while it meant I was stronger, because it didn’t hurt me, because other people don’t cut.
On my upper thigh, I have a large 7 or 8 inch long scar that’s raised up. Because I first started cutting there, and I would cut and re-cut the scar tissue.
It is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.
After a while I couldn’t stomach watching myself and hearing myself cut my tissue.
I would go to bed, and just scratch a spot on my back. Slow and hard. And think about other things. Tell myself I was dreaming..
I have about ten or more scars on my back from that. Raised ugly scar tissue. I can’t go swimming.
I stopped that because I did a few on my neck, arms, etc without realizing it. Not as deep, because I was in public and stopped as soon as I noticed. But still slightly scarred.
When I was sixteen I moved back to my legs.. I never wear shorts. I cut into the back of my ankle while sitting. It hurt differently. Scars weren’t as deep while I was contemplating where my tendons were.
I sat cross legged, cut into the skin on my calves, anywhere I saw.
I sat in a hot bath, too hot for me. I cut, wondering if it would make me bleed more. More scars on my calves.
My brother doesn’t love me anymore.
I started loving my scars instead of anything else. I got excited to go home and make more. Add more. Have a pain throughout my day that I can put my mind to.
I made designs like stitches up the insides of my legs.
That took a long time, I did about four cuts a day.
All the way up both sides..
My lover, who had taken me for unknown reasons knew I cut, knew since we were thirteen. She tries to make me stop, every time.
She sees the stitches in my legs and throws up. She can’t handle it, or me.
I feel jealous that she can, because it makes me feel sick to think of the blades I used..
Always different edges, razors, steak knives, box cutters, anything sharp.
I tell her I’ll quit, in the midst of a panic attack, after asking her to commit suicide with me.
She doesn’t want to die with me.
I try to stop.
I sometimes pretend my cat caught me with a little scratch, she knows I’m lying, but she’s glad I’m trying.
Now I’m eighteen.
I’m not so depressed.
I feel sick when I think of cutting.
But I still want to every single day.
And I’m always looking for things to “accidentally” hurt myself on.
I’ve already stapled myself many times at work.
I’m just clumsy now…
I really do want to stop…
And I’m so sorry that I used my brother like this, and this is what has come of it.

residual trauma from drug use

Posted by in Addiction on Aug 9th, 2010 | 1 comment

I did drugs (some bad, some worse) when I was in my teens (ten years ago). I hung out with people who were confused, and their confusion came out in anger, frustration. I had trauma at home. I was high every day for years straight because I wanted to escape.

Now… I live a very different life. I quit doing drugs a long time ago. I’ve even quit smoking cigarettes and, last year, I quit drinking caffeine. I am interested in healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle. I have healthy friends and healthy relationships, and a partner who loves me very much.

About eight months ago I went on a ten-day meditation retreat. I was silent for ten days, meditating for twelve hours per day. One night, I couldn’t fall asleep. Memories came back to me from the past. I essentially re-lived a memory of myself, as a teenager, as if it were really happening. It was a memory of the place I experienced the most trauma. While experiencing the memory, lying in my little cot in the middle of the night… I felt the feeling of wanting to be there more than anything, because there were lines to be snorted in front of me. I wanted to re-live that moment to get high.

It was then that I realized, although I have been clean for years, and feeling deep regret, remorse, and disgust for my drug use, the feeling of wanting to escape is with me…. every moment of every day. I still want to get high. The difference between now and then.. I don’t act on it now. I choose a healthy life.

I still binge on sugar (one of my last few addictions to work on). I still zone out on the internet or to movies occasionally.

I am still addicted. I still act in ways that can only be explained by my past traumas. I still have lots of fears.

I am beginning to let go of regret, however. This helps a lot.

Truth be told..

Posted by in Addiction on Aug 5th, 2010 | 4 comments

Sometimes what people want to hear comes out of my mouth, rather than my truth. I have created a persona that is responsible, smart, and hard-working, when in reality, I am often scared and a little lazy.

My truth is that my world is very ego-centered. I am not speaking of an inflated ego, but one that lives with regret and embarrasment. Therefore, I create stories about how I “should” be, and tell them to other people, even myself.

The actual lies (verbal representations of my experience) are miniscule and petty compared to the truth inside.

I often have fantasies about being recognized for doing something great and profound, having esteemed credentials, or mad dancing skills! I spend most of my waking life in these fantasies. I am addicted to daydreaming.

i want to cut again

Posted by in Addiction on Jul 29th, 2010 | 7 comments

i’ve cut since december 09
my parents found out around march and that just made me want to do it more
even thought they told me not to i still did secretly
i have stoped for almost 2 months now
because this guy started liking me and i told him about it and he doesnt want me to ever do it again
i love him so much and i dont want to hurt him
but i really want to cut
i want to feel the pain again
i need to feel the pain again!!!
:’(

Discusted by my secret….

Posted by in Addiction on Jul 18th, 2010 | 6 comments

I never tell the truth about myself, I lie because it has become my sheild.

I told everyone I’m well from my ED, but the truth is I get sick everytime I eat and I start throwing up. Once I tried to tell people and it got worse, so now at least its only once or twice every day, I used to purge 20 times a day …the shame and guilt never goes away, when i eat or even vomit. I am discusting!

i hate the internet but i hate myself more anyway.

Posted by in Addiction on Jun 20th, 2010 | 6 comments

why am i up in the middle of the night making a confession.
i should be sleeping. i should not be compensating my time doing things that will ‘distract’ me from reality.
but it always ends up that i do.

and i hate it.

why the heck is it like this? i couldn’t stop. don’t tell me to get counseling or stuff. that requires money. i don’t have plenty of it. and getting help from friends? friends wouldn’t understand. they are much too busy with their own problems.
i need to stop. i should. i guess i really should.

i hope i do.
but the problem is, whenever i face the laptop, cellphone, computer. i couldn’t stop. i couldn’t.

but i can stay away. it’s been 3 days since i last faced a computer and i survived. but i decided to watch the glee season finale today and what was meant to be 45 minutes of internet became 5 hours.

and that’s already my usual time.

i have to stop this. but it’s easier said than done.

Need a hand up

Posted by in Addiction on Jun 5th, 2010 | 3 comments

I am an alcoholic and I need help. As much as I admit to myself that I have a problem, I cannot truly admit that I do. I have too many excuses and a big ego I won’t let go of. I worry too much about what other people think of me. Deep inside I’m so scared of what is happening to me. I tell myself an alcoholic is a choice people make, and I picture an alcoholic in my head..a picture of someone I am not. I tell myself that I could stop drinking if I wanted to, but I can’t go a day without it. I hate that I can’t admit it. I’m deeply depressed and can’t let anyone know. I feel like my life is going nowhere and that I shouldn’t be here anymore. I don’t accept my self and I don’t feel accepted. I am so lonely and so far gone. I cannot accept help from others until I can help myself.

I ended up cutting myself last night.

Posted by in Addiction on May 17th, 2010 | 1 comment

I had gone without cutting or burning myself for about six months. It may not be a drug, but self injury is an addiction. It’s one I’ve dealt with for years. Last night I became overwhelmed and acted on the thoughts that have been bothering me for a very long time.

I went to church tonight, and a couple of my friends that didn’t know the situation prayed for me. I left the sanctuary for a few minutes before church was over to throw out the razor I had in my purse. I think I’m okay again for now.

God is great.

I hate myself, i love to be full

Posted by in Addiction on May 8th, 2010 | 2 comments

Today I went to couseling and admitted that I am addicted to food. I have realized this for a while. Saying it out loud is different, admitting that i binge in secret, hide food, buy food at gas stations, have a secret stash of trash in my car that i wait to throw away so no one knows. I am at home now with intese anxiety wanting to eat…weed brownies, pizza, icecream. i love food, or i at least feel relieved when i binge. Now i am trying to refrain from eatting and am drinking alcohol home alone. i am a 25 year old who used to be a very good looking woman.

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