residual trauma from drug use

Posted by Anonymous in Addiction on Aug 9th, 2010 | 1 comment

I did drugs (some bad, some worse) when I was in my teens (ten years ago). I hung out with people who were confused, and their confusion came out in anger, frustration. I had trauma at home. I was high every day for years straight because I wanted to escape.

Now… I live a very different life. I quit doing drugs a long time ago. I’ve even quit smoking cigarettes and, last year, I quit drinking caffeine. I am interested in healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle. I have healthy friends and healthy relationships, and a partner who loves me very much.

About eight months ago I went on a ten-day meditation retreat. I was silent for ten days, meditating for twelve hours per day. One night, I couldn’t fall asleep. Memories came back to me from the past. I essentially re-lived a memory of myself, as a teenager, as if it were really happening. It was a memory of the place I experienced the most trauma. While experiencing the memory, lying in my little cot in the middle of the night… I felt the feeling of wanting to be there more than anything, because there were lines to be snorted in front of me. I wanted to re-live that moment to get high.

It was then that I realized, although I have been clean for years, and feeling deep regret, remorse, and disgust for my drug use, the feeling of wanting to escape is with me…. every moment of every day. I still want to get high. The difference between now and then.. I don’t act on it now. I choose a healthy life.

I still binge on sugar (one of my last few addictions to work on). I still zone out on the internet or to movies occasionally.

I am still addicted. I still act in ways that can only be explained by my past traumas. I still have lots of fears.

I am beginning to let go of regret, however. This helps a lot.

Truth be told..

Posted by This is normal, I am sure, but not necessary in Addiction on Aug 5th, 2010 | 3 comments

Sometimes what people want to hear comes out of my mouth, rather than my truth. I have created a persona that is responsible, smart, and hard-working, when in reality, I am often scared and a little lazy.

My truth is that my world is very ego-centered. I am not speaking of an inflated ego, but one that lives with regret and embarrasment. Therefore, I create stories about how I “should” be, and tell them to other people, even myself.

The actual lies (verbal representations of my experience) are miniscule and petty compared to the truth inside.

I often have fantasies about being recognized for doing something great and profound, having esteemed credentials, or mad dancing skills! I spend most of my waking life in these fantasies. I am addicted to daydreaming.

i want to cut again

Posted by anonymous in Addiction on Jul 29th, 2010 | 5 comments

i’ve cut since december 09
my parents found out around march and that just made me want to do it more
even thought they told me not to i still did secretly
i have stoped for almost 2 months now
because this guy started liking me and i told him about it and he doesnt want me to ever do it again
i love him so much and i dont want to hurt him
but i really want to cut
i want to feel the pain again
i need to feel the pain again!!!
:’(

Discusted by my secret….

Posted by Sick Cat in Addiction on Jul 18th, 2010 | 6 comments

I never tell the truth about myself, I lie because it has become my sheild.

I told everyone I’m well from my ED, but the truth is I get sick everytime I eat and I start throwing up. Once I tried to tell people and it got worse, so now at least its only once or twice every day, I used to purge 20 times a day …the shame and guilt never goes away, when i eat or even vomit. I am discusting!

i hate the internet but i hate myself more anyway.

Posted by i should be sleeping since i have a 7am class tomorrow in Addiction on Jun 20th, 2010 | 2 comments

why am i up in the middle of the night making a confession.
i should be sleeping. i should not be compensating my time doing things that will ‘distract’ me from reality.
but it always ends up that i do.

and i hate it.

why the heck is it like this? i couldn’t stop. don’t tell me to get counseling or stuff. that requires money. i don’t have plenty of it. and getting help from friends? friends wouldn’t understand. they are much too busy with their own problems.
i need to stop. i should. i guess i really should.

i hope i do.
but the problem is, whenever i face the laptop, cellphone, computer. i couldn’t stop. i couldn’t.

but i can stay away. it’s been 3 days since i last faced a computer and i survived. but i decided to watch the glee season finale today and what was meant to be 45 minutes of internet became 5 hours.

and that’s already my usual time.

i have to stop this. but it’s easier said than done.

Need a hand up

Posted by Anonymous in Addiction on Jun 5th, 2010 | 2 comments

I am an alcoholic and I need help. As much as I admit to myself that I have a problem, I cannot truly admit that I do. I have too many excuses and a big ego I won’t let go of. I worry too much about what other people think of me. Deep inside I’m so scared of what is happening to me. I tell myself an alcoholic is a choice people make, and I picture an alcoholic in my head..a picture of someone I am not. I tell myself that I could stop drinking if I wanted to, but I can’t go a day without it. I hate that I can’t admit it. I’m deeply depressed and can’t let anyone know. I feel like my life is going nowhere and that I shouldn’t be here anymore. I don’t accept my self and I don’t feel accepted. I am so lonely and so far gone. I cannot accept help from others until I can help myself.

I ended up cutting myself last night.

Posted by okay again in Addiction on May 17th, 2010 | 1 comment

I had gone without cutting or burning myself for about six months. It may not be a drug, but self injury is an addiction. It’s one I’ve dealt with for years. Last night I became overwhelmed and acted on the thoughts that have been bothering me for a very long time.

I went to church tonight, and a couple of my friends that didn’t know the situation prayed for me. I left the sanctuary for a few minutes before church was over to throw out the razor I had in my purse. I think I’m okay again for now.

God is great.

I hate myself, i love to be full

Posted by anonymous in Addiction on May 8th, 2010 | 2 comments

Today I went to couseling and admitted that I am addicted to food. I have realized this for a while. Saying it out loud is different, admitting that i binge in secret, hide food, buy food at gas stations, have a secret stash of trash in my car that i wait to throw away so no one knows. I am at home now with intese anxiety wanting to eat…weed brownies, pizza, icecream. i love food, or i at least feel relieved when i binge. Now i am trying to refrain from eatting and am drinking alcohol home alone. i am a 25 year old who used to be a very good looking woman.

Cutting Myself

Posted by Anonymous in Addiction on May 3rd, 2010 | 4 comments

I’m 16 years old and I LOVE cutting myself. I noticed from childhood pain never seemed to bother me, and later in life (about 6 years ago) I started to realize that pain actually turned me on. The deeper I cut the more I get turned on. That’s it, just had to get that off my chest.

a month of sobriety.

Posted by a self loathing girl. in Addiction on Apr 20th, 2010 | 9 comments

im half an hour away from a month clean of meth. but last night i got drunk, took pills, smoked weed, and almost ****** some guy i just met. right now i want to do meth so bad.. no one is awake for me to talk to. my ex who im still in love with doesnt want me. i cant function.. i dont know what to do for the downs in life. will i ever be able to function sober?

I’m a extremely bulimic male

Posted by 30 y/o weirdo in Addiction on Apr 7th, 2010 | 8 comments

I’m a 30 year old male who is extremely bulimic. I started this horrible thing when I was 16 and nearly 285 pounds. I dropped down to 130 pnds quickly (I ran 4 miles a night and did NOT consume more then 5 grams a fat a day and 300 calories a day) and now i average about 150. I have horrible body dismorphia. Every time I eat I feel my skin stretch and I immediately have to throw up. My brain shuts down when there is food in my stomach. I break out into a sweat and it feels like Im runnning a fever. All I can think about is how fast I can get it out of me. When we go out to eat, the first place I go is the bathroom to see if its a private one person bathroom or not. If it isnt, I claim that Im not hungry and just enjoy my friends company. If it is, I’ll eat because I know I can go into the bathroom afterwards and get it out of me.

It take sme two hours to get dressed to go out with friends. I feel everything makes me look fat and I feel ugly. I can still remember when I was a 42 waist. That image will never leave me.

The thing is, I only eat EXTREMELY healthy foods. My friends laugh at me. When I order a sandwich or something at a restaurant. I get no mayo, no cheese, no sauces (I dont know whats in them) and I eat wheat bread. I always substitute a side sald instead of fries. No dressing, no croutons, no cheese, no egss. Its basically lettuce and tomato. I still cant keep it down because I’ll gain weight. I only cook with 100% fat free foods. Fat Free Cheese, fat free sour cream, you name it, its fat free. NEVER any oil. I cant name ANY fast food place and tell you what you can order that would keep your calories low and you fat content under 15 grams. I’ve become a pro at this!

I don’t want to get help for it because of the fear I’ll quit throwing up and gain weight. And its true, I will. I have absolutely NO metabolism. I gain weight SO easily. I tried holding down food for a few weeks and I gained 20 pounds. I was only eating the fat free healthy foods. My knuckles have signs of this disease and I fear that eventually my teeth will show signs of this. I want help for that simple reason but like I said I dont want to get fat. Its so confusing. My other half who ive been in a relationship with for 4 years knows and knows never to say anything to me about it. After eating I always dissapear to the bathroom. some of my VERY close friends know and they cant help. They have tried… now they just put up with it. My mom found out. She says I’m wasting food. I disagree, the best part of food is the taste. I still get to enjoy that.

Do I get help and live FAT and MISERABLE for the rest of my life or do I just continue this and be attractive-ish?

Its a horrible curse. I exercise and do all the right things. Unfortunately I have to continue doing “this” to stay my weight.

Any input will help.

I lied

Posted by Anonymous in Addiction on Mar 30th, 2010 | 10 comments

I made up a fake addiction to get attention. I told everyone I did meth. I wrote in class, I shook. I stayed up for days and ate zip. Everyone believed me. The love of my life left me because he found of that I was a “meth head” he never knew that I lied. No one does. Everyone still thinks I used to do it. I lost 40 pounds from a fake addiction. I feel horrible about it. I miss him. He was the best thing that ever entered my life. This was a horrible thing to do, But I am an attention whore.
What do you think?
Please no bad comments, I feel horrible enough.