Currently Browsing: Addiction

Lemonade Running through my Veins

Posted by in Addiction on Jan 3rd, 2012 | 5 comments

I’m 15 I know there are other people out there with worse problems and have had worse experience’s and are much stronger than me, i look up to these people.

After a traumatic experience i started using drugs as an escape route. I was 13 and taking up to 20 pills of valium a day. I felt safe like no-one could hurt me and i forgot about him about his vile instincts which made him sexually, physically and mentally abuse me. I got by on this for a long time i felt i could manage like this however i knew what i was doing was wrong and this hurt me. I could understand why i hurt to i hurt myself to feel pain that i knew why it hurt. As i got a little bit older the world of stimulants and hallucinogens were unveiled to me. It made me feel better like i was a different person and i forgot all my memories. I used these in all different forms, speed, coke, e’s, acid, salvia, weed, shrooms, MDMA regularly up to 7 days a week, when i couldn’t use these i used my good old friend valium. And that was the problem they were my friends, My world and people started to notice. My mum got me help. I was angry, frustrated i didn’t want to talk but slowly i came round to the idea. I opened up…a bit and i was subscribed anti-depressants. I don’t feel them working, even when i misuse them. I took a whole 2months prescription in an hour just to feel something but i just threw them up. When i don’t take drugs i get awful flashbacks i can feel him on me. I self harm to a serious degree to forget for a short while. I use still not as much but enough to help me one moment at a time. They keep telling me its only short term solutions as if i didn’t know, but its not a short term thing is it if your staying on it. I lie to them tell them tell them everything is fine and i feel good. Tell them i’m clean and they leave me alone. I’m an A* Student hoping to go to study high level degrees but i’m still a class A f–k up wishing her life would end.

Playing with fire is a bad, bad idea

Posted by in Addiction on Jul 25th, 2011 | 10 comments

I am 15, and my self harm has spiraled so badly out of control. 3 times a day, at least. It’s been like that for the past 18 months. I spend £50 in the chemist each month. I recently split a vein in my leg, and almost bled out. But tonight I really, really messed up.
I looked at my legs and how mutilated they were, wishing the scars would leave. I had a sickening idea. I set cooking oil alight on them for 3 seconds. All my scars are now replaced by one massive bloody, burnt mess. I daren’t go to A&E – they’ll tell me I am a waste on the NHS resources. What if I do this again? I cant stop hurting myself and I have never been more scared.

better off

Posted by in Addiction on Apr 30th, 2011 | 6 comments

they though my mother was unfit because she wasa alcholic. i was 6 when they took me away im now 16, its been ten years and ive been in over 7 foster homes. in all of them i have been abused mentally,phyiscally and sexually. the last one i went to, he raped me, when i went to tell my foster mother she wouldnt believe a word i said. next day my social worker came to take me back to the home for girls, they told her i misbehaved so they no longer wanted me. i would have been better off with my mother.

I can’t lose weight without the help of drugs

Posted by in Addiction on Mar 26th, 2011 | 9 comments

I’ve been overweight my whole life. I work out regularly but I’m not great about food. I’ve gradually worked my weight down over the years but I got stuck in one place and couldn’t budge further. So I started taking Phentermine. It’s the only thing that has worked. People say I look fabulous and I do feel that my body is closer to my goal that it’s ever been — within about 5 pounds of a totally flat stomach.

The thing is, I feel totally ashamed of myself for being weak, and unable to lose the weight without these pills. I went off them and gained 9 lbs back over Christmas, so I went back on again. The 9 lbs are gone again, but the shame of failure isn’t. My doctor says Phentermine is safe but I still feel embarraased to tell anyone that I couldn’t do it through self discipline alone.

money and alcohol bad son

Posted by in Addiction on Mar 20th, 2011 | 4 comments

i still live at home but i have managed to get a drinking problem, i dont have tons of money, i live from paycheck to paycheck, i only use the alcohol to sleep now, not during the day, but when im out of money, i steal from my parents to buy the vodka, i hate myself every day for this i am a bad son

I want you to understand

Posted by in Addiction on Mar 11th, 2011 | 4 comments

You know what, you should just stop. Stop trying to understand without opening your mind. Please know I’m not going to kill myself, it’s just my way of coping. However, you don’t even know I do self harm.

You kept telling me how stupid cutters are. Stupid, stupid, always so stupid. Why do they like pain? Don’t they know it’s dangerous? You ask.

What about me? Am I stupid? Do you think I don’t know that it’s dangerous? Oh my god, I so want to open up to you, I love you and I need you. But you need to understand, please? Please realise i need help. I’m not stupid or sick, I just can’t find ways of getting things out. And sometimes, if I do bad things, I’ll do it too, to punish myself .

It sounds sick and twisted, but please just listen. I want you to understand- but I know it will just drive you away.

The pretty one

Posted by in Addiction on Feb 25th, 2011 | 10 comments

I’m 13 years old.
5 feet, 4 inches tall.
160 pounds.
The biggest I’ve ever been was 191 pounds
I wanted to die
I went bulimic
Lost 30 pounds in 2 months.
I was the happiest I’ve ever been.
My mom found out, I’m hardly ever alone anymore, Everytime I do it, she finds out. When I eat, I feel like dying, I feel like I’m the biggest person around me. I cry after I eat. I got to the point to where, it felt better coming up then going down. People tell me I have a pretty face, and it makes me want to gag everytime I hear it. I want to be the SKINNY one with the “Pretty face.” I think about my body every waking moment of the day. How big I am, How fat I am. I would do ANYTHING to be able to puke again. I hate my body. I hate skinny people, I hate them because, they have what I would give the world for, and they take it for granted.

Is it bad, that I would give up anything,…To see my ribs?

I can’t help him

Posted by in Addiction on Feb 15th, 2011 | 4 comments

My brother is a junkie. I want to help him but cannot because he is not ready. I’m terrified he will die. I feel weak and angry. I am pissed that there is nobody else in our family who would care enough to even reach out to him. I am angry because he’s been through before and knows better.

I am bulimic

Posted by in Addiction on Jan 16th, 2011 | 1 comment

I have many self destructive tendensies that i’ve been battling for over 16 years. Today I found out that my best friends (a girl and her boyfriend) and my boyfriend are taking a weekend trip to the beach without telling me. I choose to relapse with my bulimia today, I’ve binged 3 times and purged each time. I am planning on doing it again, and again. I know i should stop, I know the social situation is no excuse, I think im honestly glad i have any sort of excuse.

Hungry

Posted by in Addiction on Jan 5th, 2011 | 3 comments

I’d rather be skinny then eat! I can’t tell anyone close to me that!

I can’t be completely honest with anyone

Posted by in Addiction on Dec 23rd, 2010 | 2 comments

I don’t believe the addictive urge ever disappears – I think it’s a matter of trying to channel it into more productive (‘applauded’) pursuits.

I was dux of my primary school and topped my year in several subjects throughout high school. I tried to kill myself twice during this time by overdosing on Panadol and sleepgels. My mother used to try to beat the life out of me and tell me I was fat, worthless and stupid.

I became addicted to heroin when I was 16. Spent a year in rehab and was later signed to Elite. Became bulimic and addicted to exercise. Worked as a ‘high-class’ escort and completed college. Completed my undergrad at one of the world’s top-ranked universities and almost finished with my Masters at the same institution.

I now earn a reasonable salary within the corporate field. On paper, I’d be considered ‘successful’ for my age.

I also now drink too much.

For a long time, I’d navigated a complex web of lies to explain the ‘years away’ in my life. Now, being a little older, it’s not so much an issue. People are generally just interested in your immediate past.

I can’t see myself ever being able to tell a partner about my life. It sounds like fiction – even to me. Nobody would ever believe me and, if they did, nobody would ever really understand. I tried telling a partner once and he thought I was being dramatic. He actually laughed.

I’ve pretty much alienated those friends who knew about my drug addiction. I’ve completely wiped out those who know anything about the escorting. So no one really, truly knows about my life to date.

I really wish I had someone I could trust with the whole truth. It gets confusing trying to remember how much I can share with whom.

Absolute Confusion and Fanfiction

Posted by in Addiction on Dec 15th, 2010 | 9 comments

So hi, my secret is that I had a strange crush feeling on my female friend even though I am not a lesbian.
This scares me, but now its over because she moved cities.

Also, I read slash which is gay fanfiction and it’s (almost) pornographic a LOT of the time but I enjoy it.

This is all horrible because I’m only 14.
I have not told anybody about any of this, but I can’t stop reading it anyway.

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