You call me fat

Ever since I was 13 I have had a screwed up relationship with food.

My sister is younger than me, taller than me and a natural size zero.
I am 5′4 and a size 6

I am constantly compared to her. I have always been the fat one in the group. I am always looked down upon.

I wish people knew that I have been bulimic since I was 14. I can’t be home by myself without eating constantly and throwing up. Sometimes up to 3 times a day. I told the docter and she laughed at me. Apparntly I don’t look bulimic.

If only they knew I was that girl who goes to the gym for two hours, binges on protein bars and throws it up in the gym toilets.

Lost

At 36 I have no idea who i’am. In a marriage that is pointless. In love with a married man. Addicted to meth (still). What the hell happened to me?

i changed,i lost my way

i was always been one of the most unpopular girl in school since i was in 4th grade. its just because of my appearance. i was fat, ugly, have..let say, a bad-colored-skin, unlike many girls in my school. i live in Asia, a part which most of the girl have white skin, or at least a fair skin and ALL of the boys likes girls like them. so, i was always been a girl that are never been noticed and most people are never recognized my existence.

once in my 6th grade i fell in love with this guy. i love him not because of his appearance. i fell for his kindness, his smart brain, his politeness to others, even me. and he is not really like most of the guys who not even see me. well, at least he talk to me once a while. i keep my feelings for almost 3 and a half years.
i was happy enough to have this feeling and was afraid to confess to him. one day my secret have been revealed and most of people in school know my feelings to him, as in i have been his secret admirer. its fine with him. he still talk to me, make friend with me, nothings different. but, the problem is his friends. (he is one of the popular). they mock me in front of him every single day since they know my secret. my heart was very painful, because of them. i feel like “why do i have to live in this body?a body which is so bad that people always make fun of and not even LOVEABLE??”
i gave up my feelings in my prom night. i stop and forget my feelings about him at that night.

exactly after i made that decision, i promise myself to change. i think i need to work and repair all things up to get my goal “to be recognised, to be loved, to be pretty, to be popular”
i work hard for as long as 2 and a half years and finally i get my goals.

Continue Reading this Confession

the unbearable burden of weight

I am scared to relapse into anorexia.

I really don’t want to.

I really don’t want to be back at the point I was. I remember hospital floors, the ceiling of my kitchen when I was lying on the floor and couldn’t get up. I remember threads of thought tangled, tied up with a measuring tape, clogged with food and scales. Having to lie to my loved ones.
People say I was thin, then. I wouldn’t know. I never saw.

But they say I gained weight now.
This guy I like says I’m slightly chubbier than he’d like. I played it lightly. He didn’t say it to be mean and I do get it, but I didn’t want to come off as a nagging bitch, so I didn’t say how much it really hurt.

It scares me. And I want back.
I don’t know what to think.

Sincerely, J

Dear Mrs. C,

The other day, your husband and i went to a hotel…
He made deep, passionate love to me, and then some.
He let me draw him, i’ll show you the pictures if you’d like.
He supports my artistic dreams.

Sincerely, J

Dear Mrs. N,

The other day, your husband hit on me. Then He sent me a very suggestive text but i reacted innocently. You were in the other room. I know you see when he flirts with me and you laugh at it, but i think he’s serious. Put a tighter leash on him, or else.

Sincerely, J

Dear Mrs. G,

Your husband comes to my job every so often. He compliments me when i have my hair down and when i smile. The other day, he invited me out for lunch. I politely declined his offer, but lately he’s becoming more and more persistent and im tempted to meet up with him, just to see what happens. Please dont hate me.

Sincerely, J

Dear God,

I know that Im living a sinful life…but just a few years ago i was a 19 yr old virgin who had never been kissed. All of a sudden all these married men are coming on to me, and im honestly enjoying a change from the norm. But i know i need you more. Please forgive me for my actions…

Sincerely, J

Dear future love,

I cheated on you before i even knew you, and im scared that when we get together, if i ever get bored, i’ll do it again. Im sorry…

Sincerely, J

drinking….

i drink way to much and it is messing everything up for me…..i call people i dont want to i spend way to much money…and this is almost an everyday thing…i dont know how i can stop my self…

My eating disorder has ruined my life…

My eating disorder has ruined my life. I’m down to less than 100lb, and at 5′6 I know its too little. But I cant stop restricting my food and excersizing too much.

I throw up anything I do eat, I’m so afraid of keeping it in my stomach that my body automaticly gets rid of it now…

I am always getting ill, and barely have the energy to move, yet still force myself through my excersize routine.

Its caused me to fail my university course, and lose everyone I was close to once… My eating disorder because my only friend.

I tried to get help and was told by two seperate doctors that because my weight wasnt at critical (about-to-die) level, I couldnt have any help for it…