Wish I was dead
Posted by broken in Alone on Jul 19th, 2010 | 13 commentsI completely hate myself. I’m 32, have been depressed for over half my life and I really don’t think I can deal with it any more.
It feels as though the end is coming, as I have no energy left. I can’t deal with being the repulsive, disgusting, ugly, awkward, anxious, unlovable, emotionally ****** up mess that I am. I find almost no pleasure in anything I do, and I’m tired of being constantly rejected by women. I’m clearly not enough of a man, whatever the **** that’s meant to mean. Maybe if I was more confident or more of an arrogant bastard people would respect me, but it’s just not who I am. I don’t even know where to begin
I have nothing to look forward to, and lifetime of regrets, my main one being that I didn’t successfully kill myself when I was 19. I know it’s the norm to say ’suicide is the most selfish thing you can do’, but as I see it, everything people do is selfish. It seems incredibly selfish for people to want me to carry on my miserable existance. And that’s all I do, exist – I don’t have a real life like most people. I’ve managed to make my life a complete mess.
I think that’s it. I really don’t know what else to say
13 Responses to “ “Wish I was dead”
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I can’t think of one relevant thing to say to you because whatever I say, you’ve have probably heard before and it was utterly useless to you…but all I can do is say it anyway.
You mentioned some of the reasons you don’t see a point in going on. I’m sure there is probably much more to it than that. But from what you said, it seems like you are being burdened with feelings that even though they have been causing you pain for what seems like a long long time, are still temporary and still treatable. You’ve obviously tried to fix them on your own and it didn’t pan out. There must be a part of you that wants to live because it was moved to make you share your thoughts on here. Maybe that wasn’t your suicidal self talking, that was the part of you that wants to live.
Your description of yourself and your feelings are uncannily familiar to a close friend of mine. You are even the same age. I never knew what the f*#k to say to him either. He saw himself the exact same way you do, but it was all internal, he was the only person that felt that way about him. But who gives a crap if nobody else sees it right? If its in your head, its absolutely real…I understand that. Other than emotionally ****** up, you’re probably not nearly the way that you paint yourself to be.
Yeah, people are selfish, but from your words it seems like you know someone that really want you to be here on this earth. I ain’t saying that you need to live for them, thats bull. I’m just saying that it seems like somebody loves you…so along with that love, you oughta know that people DO get through feelings that are like yours right now. Even though you’re 32 and it feels like you’ve been burdened for a long long time, that burden is a feeling. You want relief from that feeling. Well, relief is a feeling too, but you’ve gotta be alive to feel it. There’s nothing anybody can say right now that’ll convince you to want to live. If you have the opportunity, you need to talk to somebody who knows more about how our heads work better than we do. Don’t automatically think that a professional couldn’t do anything to help you, thats denying yourself a possibility. If you don’t have that option, cuz of money or whatever other obstacle, talk to a pastor. Whether you’re religious or not, they can still be a coping resource by way of counseling if you’re not too opposed to the religous slant.
amennation
friend dont give up i have faith in u
Get “the pick up artist” by Neil Stephenson.
Then watch the VH1 series by the same name.
Your problem is that you’ve been living up to your own expectations of failure. That’s what’s killing you, and you have no idea how to change that. That book and that series will show you the way to turning into whatever it is you want to be.
Hint: it’s not about women.
I feel the way you feelI’am seeking counseling soon.I think about the people who do care about me and my 4 year old niece who adores me I can’t be selfish and take myself away from her. Life can change in an instant ,nothing ever stays the same.
bro you need to get laid. a strong woman will whip you into shape.
make some new friends while you’re at it. go to a bar with some co-workers and meet new people. you are 32, you are still young.
“THE PICKUP ARTIST”??? HAHAHAHA
Sure, if you wanna see a fur-hatted ugly douche looking stupider and more awkward than the people he’s supposed to “counsel”, it’s all you, man!!
Don’t kill yourself, whatever you do, because I used to feel that way and I am happy now. You don’t want to miss out on what life has to offer. Yes, most people are bad and or selfish, but not all. Find your passion and if you have nothing at all that you love, you should probably try meds if you really really want to kill yourself. I take Lexapro, another good one is Fluoxetine. They are mild but make enough difference to have you feeling “normal” again. If you can’t afford it or you need help contact your state welfare agency, they have programs for free counseling for people who are eligible. Remember, life may have more in store for you than you could ever imagine…
You need to find a church and just go in and sit down one sunday. You are not suppose to live for yourself but live for Jesus. God sent his son to die a horrible painful death on the cross so you can have salvation and live eternally with God in heaven. He loved you that much! So Read up on your Bible…maybe the reason your not happy is that your not living Gods Will for you life. God has a plan for you and Loves you more then anyone on earth. Find Jesus and your life will change for the better!! Accept him as your Lord and savior!!! I wish you the best!
What the f… are you talking about???Religion has nothing to do with this…
Its a *possible* coping mechanism. It doesn’t have to have anything to do with it. You sure as hell aren’t offering anything better.
I don’t pretend to save the world!
Thanks everyone. I may not agree with all the replies, but the fact that some people took the time to read what I had to say and respond means something.
I’m still not happy, but I am trying to get some help with this. No quick fixes though, unfortunately.
Nah, no quick fixes..but you’re taking the best possible first step right? Whatever it is that you’re doing in trying to get some help, just don’t cop out early. Give it a good run before you make a decision as it whether or not its working. I’m praying for the best for you.