why have I done it?
Posted by anonymus in Alone on Oct 12th, 2010 | 4 commentsI am in a relationship already for 4 years, the first two years were wonderful…and than I went abroad, because I got an job offer, contract for 3.5 years. When I got the offer I was scared to accept it, because of everything..loosing him, changing a living place…but he supported me. He said… I know you want it, you should fulfil it, otherwise you will not be happy with me. I was really happy to have a support like that. We made a decision together that I should accept and go, that it will be better for us, that he will also find an position here. This opportunity will give us a chance that we can earn more money in order to support one day our small family…sounded nice.
Already, two years had gone since I moved…life can be stressful when you are alone, in another country…everything new.
But, with the time you get used to it, new environment, new people…new nice things.
We see each other once per 2-3 months, for a weekend or for a week. It is nothing in comparison to the time when we were together, when we lived together. I miss him, and I am always scared when I should meet with him, that something in us changed. I always criticize him that he should be more active, in a finding a new job here…but he just sometimes send an CV, just too keep me calm…like you see I am doing it. In two years he send maybe 4 CV with application…
Than I got frustrated and say to him ok…I will come back…and than he says no you will not..it is not our plan…just wait a little…. and than I got scared…
And than it comes to big disappointment…I had a biggest disappointment in my life..in ME!
There is one colleague, who was always beside me…giving me attention…I always tried to suppress his attention towards me, we got closer and closer. Once we went on one congress, had a nice time there, dinner and after mooore drinks, I got drunk…and cheated my boyfriend…and since the 1st second I feel awful.
I loose my feet underground…becoming somebody who does not want to be… I do not know why have I done it?
I try to find the reason….why have I done it?
When I did it, I realized that my boyfriend is the best thing that could happen to me…but I got desperate that we will never be together. And I do not like the fact that I got close with someone else…but it happened. And now I can not speak with my colleague…and its hard to speak with my boyfriend as well.
There are no excuses… and I do not have a clue what should I do.
4 Responses to “ “why have I done it?”
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It is obvious to me, the reader, why the cheating happened. But really, you need to be honest with him. He needs to know, and you need to get it off your chest.
What is obvious to you? Why did it happen?
It is obvious to me.. because it’s a really human (and healthy) thing to want to be close with other people. We are social creatures. It is also really human and normal to crave intamacy. When you are that far apart from your partner for that long, crushes on other people might develop, and that is normal.
Acting on it is a different thing. Lots of people act on their crushes and desires. However, when you are in a committed relationship with someone else, that is where it gets tricky. Sounds like you were being honest with yourself by acting on it (acnowledging that you needed intamacy or whatever the reason was). But you need to be honest with him, too, because you’ve made a commitment to him.
It sounds like you are frustrated with his inaction, too. When there is frustration that is not dealt with, it becomes another factor in the situation. Layers upon layers of complicated and beautiful things… this is the nature of relationships.
Your boyfriend has probably cheated on you…just saying..