This can apply to so many people that I feel sick…
Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Oct 17th, 2010 | 30 commentsI hate my life. I don’t have any friends. I always feel like I say, or do, the wrong things. I’m terrified of rejection. My parents are always pressuring me to “get some friends.” I don’t want to have friends, I want to die. I’m a loser and I waste the air I breath. I hate myself so much. I’m insecure about my appearance, my personality, and my worth as a human being. I believe God exists, but it seems like he ignores specific people(s). When you’re at your lowest point ever and you’re crying out from the depths of despair “God, do not forsake me. Help me please!” he ignores me. I want to die; I came the closest I’ve ever come to commiting suicide tonight. I took one my guns, loaded it, chambered a round, cocked the hammer, and put the barrel in my mouth. I was so scared I cried. I find myself crying a lot. I always crave attention. I don’t know why. I feel nauseous most of the time. I’ve thought about therapy, but I’m afraid that would screw my life up even worse. I tried to kiss a girl, and she rejected me. I felt so worthless. I’d like to stop eating. I approached her awkwardly, I tried, and the worst thing was that I didn’t talk to her about it. I was so scared I just said “ok” and left. I’m so embarrassed, I feel worthless, useless, and awkward. I was going to swim in our fetted, disgusting, sewage filled pond tonight. I planned to leave my soaking wet clothes where my family would find them (just so I’d get attention). I often wonder if there’s something physcologically wrong with me. One of the thoughts that scares me most of all is that this is just a phase, and I’m completely overblowing the situation. I know it feels real to me now, but what if it is only teen angst, and I’m letting it effect me this way? The thought makes me cringe with shame. That’s it, I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of who I am, what I drive, how I eat, what I look like, how I act, what I do, how many people I can call friends. I’m so insecure, and it makes me feel even more ashamed. I saw a commercial tonight of a kid at her highschool play. Her friends tease her about her dad not being there. They say, “I thought your dad was supposed to be here.” The girl says in an obviously doubting tone “he’ll be here.” At the last minute her father shows up. I found myself crying. I wished that God was that way. But God never shows up. The curtain opens, the crowd watches expectantly, and you break down and cry in front of life. I’ve made a promise to God; I promised I’d wait one year for him to show himself to me. If he hasn’t shown himself to me by October 14th 2011, I’ll commit suicide. I’ll bring my running shoes, jog into the woods as far as my body will allow me to, find a deserted ravine or clearing, and shoot myself through the head. I feel worthless, ashamed, nauseous, perpetually anxious, hungry, lonely, sad, terrified, embarassed, and tired. Oh yes, worst of all I feel tired. I’m tired of trials, I’m tired of strife, I’m tired of people, I just want to die….
Is that too much to ask God?
In the end though, I know, this is just another anonymous post from any one of millions people going through the same s**t. I really hate you God. Why do so many people have to suffer for something as arbitrary as sin?
30 Responses to “ “This can apply to so many people that I feel sick…”
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God will show himself by October 14th 2011. Keep your eyes open.
How can you make a statement like that?
Your post really brought me back to moments in my own teenage years when I felt similar to how you do at times. Though I had never thought about suicide, I did feel shame and self-loathing. Lots of people do. Looking back, it was so irrational and my feelings were so distorted.
Okay-I know this is a site for posting similar experiences and I have. But since I’ve come out of this same depressed state, I want to give you some advice too. Sorry it’s so long winded but I really can relate to your hopeless feelings from when I was in high school.
First of all, you say you don’t have any friends. That’s okay. I know it seems horrible, weird, and embarrassing now but actually a hell of a lot of people these days don’t have friends. As you get older, this is the norm because life gets more complicated and people just don’t have time for friendships. All the people you know now, you will never see again in a few years as you all go your separate ways. Don’t go and kill yourself over conditions and people that will be completely gone from your life in a couple of years. LIFE GETS SO MUCH BETTER AS YOU GET OLDER. I know it’s painful now, but push through it and know it’s very common for many people to not have friends. For many, the teen years suck. Look at all the cases of bullying. These years can suck for many. You must learn to tune out the masses around you and begin to live for yourself. Stop worrying about what other’s think- others will always come and go and it’s pointless to worry about them.
Second, you have really low self esteem which is common at your age. It sounds like you don’t have anything you can claim as your “claim to fame” like a sport, hobby, talent etc. It’s okay. You’re young and you just haven’t found something yet. I highly suggest to you that you start an exercise program- say, running and weight lifting. It will do the following for you 1. Show you that you CAN change your life by taking action 2. Help you to feel better about the way you look 3. Give you something to feel proud of and good about yourself. 4. Teach you self-discipline and goal setting which is one of the basics for a successful (ie enjoyable) life.I started running when I was 16 and it changed my life. After a few weeks I started feeling better (endorphins improve depression) and looking better and from that point my life went on an upward spiral. It totally transformed my life. No matter how crappy your day is going, you just can’t feel that bad after you’ve worked your way up to a 2,3,4, or 5 mile run. You have to start at where you are at and build up to it. The rewards in a few months will blow you away and I bet, if you stick with it, you’ll be a different person in a year or so. You will look better, feel better, and think better. Go for it and don’t give up!
This part you can take it or leave it since it’s based on my own beliefs. You say God isn’t there for you. I don’t believe God is outside of us. God is within. The Divine is within you not outside of you as some bearded mythological figure doling out rewards and punishments. That is a myth written back in the days when they rode camels, had rotten teeth, and kept slaves. The energy of creation that keeps your heart beating and the planets rotating is you and is within you. You just have to connect with it. Read the books and see the youtube videos of Esther Hicks. These teachings have proven to be true in my life. You create your own reality with your thoughts and right now you are creating lots of stuff you don’t want. Follow these teachings and you will learn how to create what you do want.
Also, read Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. His teachings are also useful. He was profoundly depressed and than had this awareness which helped him rise above his ego. He teaches how we have that God-spark within us but our egos (human side) does not know this and constantly feels “not enough” and fearful. He wrote about it. I think you would find this book very helpful right now.
Your ego is going crazy right now saying, “I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, awkward, an idiot, no one likes me, not important enough, not popular, a fool, useless, not lovable” etc. This is your ego going crazy and you can learn how to dissolve and silence it by reading the Eckhardt Tolle book. You can use the Esther Hicks books to repattern your thoughts and beliefs and start creating a new reality for yourself.
The running/exercise program is key because it will help you to forms new and better beliefs about yourself. It will show you that you can change things in your life and it will give your brain a natural boost to lift you out of this depression. You will feel so good about yourself when you have set and met your goals in this one area. I cannot stress this enough. Plus, start eating healthy too- you are what you eat. Research it and do it. Plus, in a few months, you’ll look better and will have more confidence with girls.
Go for it!! This is the first day of your new life. You can make these changes and just think where your life can be in just a few months.
Finally……
The core of your feelings is fear. You are afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of not being loved, afraid of being abandoned, afraid of not being good enough, afraid, afraid, afraid, afraid.
You are none of these.
You are inside of you, a spark of the Divine. Your spirit is Love. How could that never be enough? There is nothing to fear as you are an eternal being at your core. You just have to remember who you really are-a spiritual being having a physical experience. There is nothing to be afraid of ultimately.
I agree completely with what Chloe says, I wish I had heard something like this when I was going through my depression, it’s all in little easy steps and will definately help improve your emotions.
I want to die just as bad as you do , but everytime I try it seems there’s always something holding me back. I don’t have a gun but I have pently of bottles filled with pills I know can cure my pain and if 50 doesn’t work I can always find a highrise building to jump from. Just the fall would be freeing enough.
It pains me to see how sad you feel. I am so sorry about what you’re going through. I have been in such a dark place too and I can relate. I strongly urge you to speak to your doctor and ask if he/she can put you on an anti-depressant to help you. You are overwhelmed with so many emotions and you will need time to sort through them. Also, consider calling a suicide hotline when you feel like you want to hurt yourself. A lot of people feel depressed and you are not alone. Medication is one way to help you. Hang in there and please don’t give up on yourself.
i am almost 100% sure God doesn’t answer to threats, but it’s good that you believe in Him. Now rely on Him and trust that He has a plan for you.
You are not doing yourself any good by trying to BARGAIN with the Lord. Because then you see…your putting yourself on his level :S That is something we must not do. Sometimes life seems so unbearable to the point were we want to give up…you gotta find your inner strength…grab a hold of all we have inside us and just keep holding on…keep holding on some more… The lord will come to you my friend ..through Prayer :)
God bless you!! :)
Hiya!!
Don’t you think that you are probably worrying too much about doing and saying the wrong things? There is probably nothing there and people have so many problems that they probably don’t really notice anything. They have their big issues to think about. Most people are terrified of rejection. You sound like you hate yourself a lot. But, the world is a mysterious and mythological place. Movies present some characters who are so corrupt, depraved, degenerate, just losers, like ‘Roxie’ from the movie ‘Chicago’, yet we as the audience love her because there is something very enriching about being with her. So, what can happen is that grand guys are rubbish to know and losers are a real delight. I have enjoyed so many losers in my life who are ultimately not even losers.
If God decided to forsake you, why do you think he went to such a hell lot of trouble to pull a team of people together to get the bible written? Why do you think he bothered revealing himself in the bible and sending parables down in heaven such as the parables of 99 sheep to explain that God is like a shepherd who, even when one sheep of the flock has gone missing, he will leave the 99 sheep to go to search and search and search and find that one sheep?
It was one hell of an effort to send Jesus through Virgin Mary’s womb, for him to demonstrate his compassion for blind people, leprosy-screwed-up people, sick people, dying people, and the fallen people like the remorseful prostitutes. From the Kings to the beggars to the prostitutes, God has had the patience to explain in historical records and the Bible that he cares, that everyone is equal, that you are the child of God. God has made it explicit that he wants you to live in him and derive strength from him and allow him to give you happiness. Why don’t you take it easy a bit, spend half a day on not thinking about suicide and look into all this?
God’s plan is for you to thrive on a relationship with him, and instead of ignoring you he has clearly given you a lot of guidance use in daily life; like you are welcome to ask for things in God’s name; resist temptation; keep searching, “knock and the door will be opened to you”; love your neighbour as yourself; love your enemies; there is no end to how all this can be used and as you have been made in the image of God, your needs are understood by God which is why he understands what gives you happiness and what doesn’t. The answer to your problems is not to go from a life of self-hatred to death but to go from life without God to a life with God.
I take the replies that you have gotten to this post as a form of God speaking to you like you requested.
I am a teen in college and i remember a few years back that I was always very popular with everyone in my school but that everyone thought I was hanging out with other groups and not them and so I never felt like I had any friends to hangout with. So,even the people who seem like they have a lot of friends don’t actually always do.
You are wonderful as you are and the moment you truly look wthin and start to accept yourself (which includes all of your flaws and positive qualities), the moment you start to look for acceptance from yourself then you will find that it will follow on the outside.
I have faith in you and in the fact that you will be able to come out the other end of this no matter how long that end may seem to you. Perservere my friend!
This is true:
The replies that you have gotten to this post are a form of God speaking to you, just like you requested!
I too feel alone without friends. No one likes me and I can’t figure out why. I always say the wrong thing too.so u are not alone. I am in therapy now so I hope it will help. Please don’t hurt yourself though. You mean a lot to someone even if u don’t know it yet. Give things time. One day u and I will both have friends. Good luck to u and keep some hope please.
It’s okay. it’s okay. Hang in there. You’re not alone. No one can really comprehend what you are going through, because there is the one and only you, in your exact circumstances; but I will not be the only one who can somewhat comprehend what you are going through. So hang in there. you’re not alone in this world. It sucks, it tough and sometimes you want it all to end, but you have to push on. You must. I did, I did my best to continue my ****** up life, and you must push on too. It’s horrible sometimes and you only want to curl up in a corner somewhere and hopefully no one will see you. i know. I think i should be about your age too. Haha.
I won’t ask you to do your best, because the fact you have tried so hard means that you already are. All you need to do, is to take my hand, and never let go.
god, that sounds so messed up, but don’t give up. not yet. I don’t think you’re ready to give up yet.
God is everywhere, you’re just not seeing it. Depression can cloud your ability to see God.
You are right, teenage years are hard. I went through this myself (so many of us do!) I got through it because God showed herself (I am a woman, and identify god as female) to me. Slowly (sometimes painfully) I have made my way into the most beautiful, wonderful life. What changed to make this possible? My perception. Life is what you make it.
Depression, however, is a chemical happening in the brain. It can also be a pattern. Once you experience depression, it can be hard to break the pattern. But there are ways!
Do you know that all of life is a lesson, good or bad? Your suffering through depression will make you smarter, more compassionate, and more connected to God in the end.
<3
PS- Here are some resources for you:
http://mbct.com/
The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness: Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal
Hey are you having the problem of Intrusive?? Know what it is.. search it in WIKIPEDIA.ORG.. knowing and understanding them might help..!!
Ani..!!
God reveals himself in many ways. Jeremiah 29:13 says: You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. It sounds like you are well on your way there. God loves you so much, He won’t let you down, He will never leave you or turn His back on you.
Please talk to someone you trust, a pastor or a counselor and let them know how you feel. You don’t need to feel alone.
You described my own adolescence perfectly.
Don’t worry about God, who will show up in due time. Worry about you. All you need now is one or two good friends – online or in real time. Remember, there are others who feel like you. You’re not alone.
Be still. set a goal. then just move forward and towards it. stay alive and survive. stay focused. forget the parents, the girl, the lack of friends…etc. stay focused. be successful.
God will show up. eventually. by then you will realize he was always there.
Don’t blame God for you petty problems! > : ( How on earth could you say you “Hate God” ? WTF is wrong with you?!
LOL, wow just ignore the whole thing, why did you bother even posting Laura?
Chloe wrote some great advice. Religion is superstition. There is no God. You need to exercise, see a therapist and possibly you need meds. You WILL make friends and life will get better.
Vulnerable people love god. Live for yourself, and small details. Things workout with time, give yourself a chance.
this really hurts me. I was mistreated by a woman who was a runner. She lied and manipulated me and my feelings. She treated me badly but everyone would tell me how great she looked. Everything was about looks. And i hate her for how cruel she was to me. How i am alone while know that she has someone. All of the men will want her. She was rewarded for being cruel to me. On this site you tell others of how great it is to be a runner. How their life will only rise and get better. So for me to know thatthat woman has it made in life. Even after what she did to me really hurts. I am planning my death because i have been hurting for so long. I have a gallon of gasoline and Iam going to set myself on fire in a few days. Me, this house, everything will be gone. No one understands loneliness. Bad people are rewarded in this world like that woman. She is being rewarded. I am the one who lives alone and has nothing and no one. The world hates men. I just look to being free of this nightmare. I was born wrong. Just another monster
Dear anon,
if you’re still reading this, i’ve got something i want to say to you, no to say that is selfish…. something that needs to be said
What you’re feeling may seem like it has no purpose, but you’re wrong.
Reading this, I saw something beautiful. Something that convinced not to take my own life. I saw God.
I don’t know what it was that drew me here. I was feeling lonelty, perhaps, seeking consolation? Or was it simply that I had just sat down, was bored, interested to see if I could sift through some 5 million shittyass/penis envy/jilted lover confessions to see if any could pique my sympathy. Yours was one of few that did. Trolls will be trolls. But a person in need of love is a person who should be given such.
Sorry my writing comes across so weird… that’s what happens when you try writing a letter at 1:00 AM after having one too many pallets haaha
So now I want to say this to you: everyone’s life has a purpose. it doesn’t mean we all have happy lives as believers. we may suffer, lay out prayers to a god, our cries falling on deaf ears. we think our pain has no purpose. that yours doesn’t. but guess what? tonight, you’re suffering did find a purpose. the sadness in your life saved me from ending my own.
We are all born into this world for something or someone, whether that be big or small. I say keep on living for that someone or something. You touched my life with this story. Who knows how many others you have/will.
I don’t know who you are… but I think, no I don’t think, I KNOW I love you. Would cry for you. bleed for you. take your place for you. die for you if it means saving you.
You saved me from doing something I’d regret. So don’t something to yourself that I’d regret. That we would all regret. That God would regret.
If anything, Im the one who deserves to die. I live in a sea of shame and guilt for the monstrosities I’ve done. Every morning, seeing in the mirror the monster that I was. after reading this post, This past morning will have been the last morning I will do so. That’s why I said I would die if it meant that you would be saved. Jesus died on the cross to save me from death. and he did it for you too.
Now I want to become a better person for all those broken hearts around me. For you.
I love you.
Jesus loves you.
Whatever you may choose…… do not forget that.
May God’s peace find and be with you.
and to everyone else, For what I said about bad confessions before, i was wrong. Big or small, everyone’s problems deserve a voice. I shouldn’t judge a person by their actions… only the action itself. Not to say that this is ‘a person with status’, ‘a person with wealth’, ‘a person with success’, a ‘person with none of those things’, but rather each person is just a ‘person’. a person to be loved
Are we not all, as humans, united by the common theme of suffering? Perhaps we all have our own special unique hell, but we all have a hell nonetheless. We all need each other so badly, yet we push each other away, either as self-punishment for our own wrongdoings or as punishment for others’ wrongdoings unto us. like we’re burning in an eternal fire. like we can’t help but keep burning ourselves in it. God is the saving grace. The water of life that can extinguish that fire. Humans believe they’ve outdone the weight of their actions in their hearts, but in the end they end up being crushed by that weight. God was/is the creator of my biological life. Can he not re-create life within my crushed heart as well?
Religion is superstition. There is no God. “God” is within you. The light and love within you is GOD>there is no heavenly father watching over us. That was a myth invented back in the middle ages. it is 2011 for crying out loud -time to get out of your dark ages mindset.
God gave us life-? –really–? OK so why then does your God give people horrible afflictions, such as ALS? Colon cancer ?
AIDS? Brain tumors? I think those idiotic catholics believe that if you kill yourself you can’t get into heaven. imagine. religion was invented in the dark ages – to keep the great unwashed masses of poor folk in line. The bible is superstition.