So Alone

I’ve been depressed, I’ve realized for several years, I’ve only just now acknowledged this. There are many instances in my life so far that have diminished my sense of worth. My parents divorced when I was three and I raised by my mother. My father left and moved to another state. I’ve met in three times in my 25 years and each of those times I wished he hadn’t come to see me because it always got my hopes up that he would stay forever, but he didn’t. A part of me hates him for not caring enough to stay.

Then there’s my mother, who I love very much, but we have our differences. She sheltered me my whole life. I know she only wanted to protect me from bad things or becoming like some of my relatives, but because of this I missed out on things I never got to experience.

While my friends in high school were planning where they were going to go to college and what they wanted to do with their lives, I was avoiding the idea of a future. I didn’t want anything to change. I still have this issue with change and I sabotage any happiness I could have. It’s something I’m working on changing.

I’m currently a Junior in college and since I’ve been there, I haven’t made the effort to make friends. I haven’t had a friend in seven years, which breaks heart because it’s mostly because I’m too afraid for people to know me and of being rejected. I’m horrible at conversations, it’s been so long since I’ve had a friend that I don’t know how to talk to people. I desperately try to fill this void, but I always end up feeling empty. I know I need to let go of the past and move forward, but sometimes it’s so hard. I want to reach my full potential, but I don’t know how.