Searching for the best way to End It.

My search for ”the best way” brought me to your page. I confess I am looking for the perfect way to end my life at 50.

Sure, there are lots of ways of doing it, but I have to think about the mess someone has to clean up, hurting someone else “while” doing it isn’t who I am. I can’t trash the car, the family needs it. I can’t do a hot bath in a hotel, some poor minimum wage women will find that sight in the morning. I just can’t inflict that on someone. Finding ”the body” has to be given thought and care. I don’t care what condition I am in when found. I just don’t want to cause some stranger pain. They have their own problems.

There has to be a way that will work, I can do without a doctor and won’t screw things up for others! There has to be a way that ”works for everyone”, so to speak!!
Now I know that sounds clinical, but that is how I look at it. I have been brought up to a life of servitude. Care for others before myself. I have no value, everyone else comes first……. blah blah blah….
So, in ending it, I will be the same.
My life is nothing and I am just a spot on the planet. Not a very important spot either.

It will happen, I just need to find the perfect way to do it, so I don’t damage someone in the process. After I am gone, my ”family” will heal. Sure, they will ask if they caused it, for about 5 seconds.

I have poured my heart and soul into my family for so long and they barely know I’m alive now. So it won’t be a problem when I’m gone. My birth son got married to a girl who hates us and won’t come to our home so she can have my son to herself. We used to be very close and open speaking with each other. Now, my son won\’t come over either. Doesn’t call, I never see him or talk to him.

My husband is a verbally and emotionally abusive bully who I think has severe problems. We were getting along so well, and once he realized it, he picked a fight and called me all those horrible names again and now I sleep on the couch just to have some peace. I went from a brutal and abusive childhood to my first shitty marriage and a second shitty marriage.

I was treated like shit as a kid, in 2 marriages and now. It doesn’t take a brick dropped on my head to figure out that this is what I deserve and it just won’t ever get better. EVER!

The kids are grown now and proven they don’t need me anymore and I just want out. Bills, fights, disappointment, no love, loneliness, being fat and ugly that my husband doesn’t touch me anymore and he just lost his job AGAIN!! I just want out.
I just hate myself and what I have become. I can’t stand ME or my life anymore. I can’t take it anymore! That’s all.

I am a very task oriented individual and will take this new task on in the same manner. I was taught at an early age to do everything the RIGHT way. so, this will be the right way too! Make it the best, make it work; make it something you can be proud of.
So when you hear of middle aged women in the suburbs of Chicago being found somewhere…. It’s probably me, finally!!



56 Responses to “ “Searching for the best way to End It.”

  1. Dailove says:

    God loves you, when times are tuff turn to him because he understands and care.. Dont kill your self bcuz your soul will be lost.. God is a loving God, no matter what you are going through turn to him bcuz he is our Father and understands our pain… Please sweet heart seek consoling and attend a church, have them practice bible study with you.. God is love and you are his child.. If others around you dont appreciate you dont pay that no mind because they are human and ungrateFul, God appreciate and loves you inside out no matter what you are his child. Don’t give up on life. There’s hope. Exercise, eat healthy and things will be alot better.. God is good. God bless you my sister I love you

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