Searching for the best way to End It.

My search for ”the best way” brought me to your page. I confess I am looking for the perfect way to end my life at 50.

Sure, there are lots of ways of doing it, but I have to think about the mess someone has to clean up, hurting someone else “while” doing it isn’t who I am. I can’t trash the car, the family needs it. I can’t do a hot bath in a hotel, some poor minimum wage women will find that sight in the morning. I just can’t inflict that on someone. Finding ”the body” has to be given thought and care. I don’t care what condition I am in when found. I just don’t want to cause some stranger pain. They have their own problems.

There has to be a way that will work, I can do without a doctor and won’t screw things up for others! There has to be a way that ”works for everyone”, so to speak!!
Now I know that sounds clinical, but that is how I look at it. I have been brought up to a life of servitude. Care for others before myself. I have no value, everyone else comes first……. blah blah blah….
So, in ending it, I will be the same.
My life is nothing and I am just a spot on the planet. Not a very important spot either.

It will happen, I just need to find the perfect way to do it, so I don’t damage someone in the process. After I am gone, my ”family” will heal. Sure, they will ask if they caused it, for about 5 seconds.

I have poured my heart and soul into my family for so long and they barely know I’m alive now. So it won’t be a problem when I’m gone. My birth son got married to a girl who hates us and won’t come to our home so she can have my son to herself. We used to be very close and open speaking with each other. Now, my son won\’t come over either. Doesn’t call, I never see him or talk to him.

My husband is a verbally and emotionally abusive bully who I think has severe problems. We were getting along so well, and once he realized it, he picked a fight and called me all those horrible names again and now I sleep on the couch just to have some peace. I went from a brutal and abusive childhood to my first shitty marriage and a second shitty marriage.

I was treated like shit as a kid, in 2 marriages and now. It doesn’t take a brick dropped on my head to figure out that this is what I deserve and it just won’t ever get better. EVER!

The kids are grown now and proven they don’t need me anymore and I just want out. Bills, fights, disappointment, no love, loneliness, being fat and ugly that my husband doesn’t touch me anymore and he just lost his job AGAIN!! I just want out.
I just hate myself and what I have become. I can’t stand ME or my life anymore. I can’t take it anymore! That’s all.

I am a very task oriented individual and will take this new task on in the same manner. I was taught at an early age to do everything the RIGHT way. so, this will be the right way too! Make it the best, make it work; make it something you can be proud of.
So when you hear of middle aged women in the suburbs of Chicago being found somewhere…. It’s probably me, finally!!

75 thoughts on “Searching for the best way to End It.

  1. Aight boyzz. This isn’t gonna be some stale pity filled i-wanna-die-boohoo kinda confession. This is usually gonna revolve around how the constant routine loop we live in has driven me into a mad state which constantly pushes me to wonder about our lives once we’re gone. Namsayin’? I’m still quite young but every chance I get I think of ways to end things and how things will be like if I do. Sure, I have no intention of actually doing such things and no reason to hurt my family members. Of course, I’m sure most people have a rocky family life but taking your life is a bit extreme. I say you should save up some dolla bills and break all contact with those parasites and then travel to a nice country and start your life again. That’s what I think anyway. To me, it’s quite humorous when my own family members try to bring me down. They might think that because I live with them and see them more often that I have a ‘strong connection’ with them. But in all honesty, they are just as easy to ignore as anybody who tries to bring me down. But anyways, I don’t have any intention of making them feel bad or upsetting them (they do pay the bills anyways so…) nor do I want to die and leave so much burden on their shoulders. Since I still have a long life ahead of me I’ll try to experience things first and then maybe I’ll consider taking my life. Plus, the more I live the more time I have to think of creative ways to end things once and for all.

  2. Really hate my dad, today he was verbally and physically abusive
    he hates my husband to cos he left after his green card
    my heart hurts but mentality I’m so f-ing tired of this name calling he calls me fat whale, stupid he said my husband a bastard what the F- is wrong with my dad
    i really hate him
    I still love my husband though
    mid my husband so bad
    I believe in God and all did my dad really did hurt me he rip my upper part of my shirt and the back of my neck is welts and bruises
    wish he just died better then hurting me and calling me and my husband now
    I’m not talking to dad , better to talk to my toilet then him

  3. Everything I read is what I’m going through,many times I let nature take its course and yet I’m still here,feel like something week, something that hangs the white flag,yet it’s not my time,I’m a spiritual person,I know my path,my partner has had a similar path and we still searching for complete happiness,no one would believe my story and my partner’s,s identical but we can’t get a break,why can the good get a helping hand,I’ve tried so many times,I’ve fought for my kids,I won but still paying it back,8 months of emptiness,my kids text me saying they are traiters speaking with me,she smashing plates etc,I phone social work,kids are not in danger,what about mental side,I was asked what would you do if you had one hour left before earth blew up,I said I would smile,the pain is ended and if somewhere else to go we all going together,I’ve worked all my life,I’ve met my soul mate but im sick of getting shit on,nothing else to say,when you worked all your life and a paedophile or junkie are entitled to more help or support than you,then **** it,hate life,love my Michelle,mum a dad,Kian, logan,let’s everybody go to sleep

  4. Its like good people nowadays get screwed over and because we are generous, others take advantage of that in a stabbing in the back kind of way… and the bad guys get away with the worst of things and live a great painless life…. And this just seems to increase year after year..
    this is why the world will end soon… More Bad people then good live in this life today.. Someone up there will take action soon believe me.. Thats what I was raised to believe anyway…
    I fuckin hate life because of this, and cant stand it anymore….
    Many things that happened in my past have made me turn into someone different…
    I had the skill and the talent to become what I wanted to become… But Dad told me to to this and study that and go to high school.. blah bla fuckin blah..
    I believe that you are here on this planet to do what you love to do and do it at 11000000000%… But obviously u have to listen to daddy when you’re young.
    So now Im full of regret and waste because I knew I could have made it but others didnt notice what I am capable of .. I feel even worse because now im even better and its too late for me to do what I want to do.. And ONLY I know deep down just how great and successful I would have been.. If ure good at something, you know on what level you are and how good you are at it… ONLY YOU YOURSELF KNOWS THAT… And this kills me every-time I think about it.. gets me down… cant continue……

  5. I don’t know why I keep going. I use to think that things had to get better…I mean, how could they get any worse, right? That way of thinking does not work for me anymore. Things never get better. It just keeps getting worse. Everytime I take a step forward, I get pushed back 5. I can’t catch a break. I have considered myself a Christian, for most of my life. I’ve tried to be a good person. I’d give you the shirt off my back, if you needed it. A lot of good it’s done me. Being a good person, doesn’t mean that you are guaranteed a good life. In fact, it’s just the opposite. People walk all over you. I have so much love inside of me. I want to give it to the world, but nobody wants it. I know that my family loves me, but nobody seems to have time for me, unless I call them, and I go to them. Nobody ever thinks…”hey, let’s go see Nancy today.” I have “friends,” but they are all in their own worlds, living their lives with the people who are more important to them. I read, on social media, how much fun they are all having…why didn’t they invite me? I have never put my mark on anyone’s heart, I guess. Although, I have tried. I’ll be 50 in 9 months, if I make it that far. But, I don’t think I want to make it. I don’t live…I exist, just barely. I pray, every night, for God to take me in my sleep. Nobody needs me in their lives. Even my precious son, doesn’t have time for me. He’s got his family now. I’m just some lady that he feels obligated to call Mom. I have no other meaning. My life doesn’t mean anything. So why keep going. It just gets harder and harder…my will is gone. I was raised to believe that suicide is a sin. But…none of that seems to matter anymore. I can’t worry about what others think of me anymore…they don’t really think of me anyways. My life has had no impact on anyone, so my death should have no impact. How sad is that?!

    1. I feel the exact same but I’m single, never married or been lucky enough to have a child. You’re young and could be a grand Ma to your son’s kids & Kids always love their granny….so I say please stay & enjoy your grandchildren, they will appreciate you & you’ll feel different.😊….me, I really have no one, am 44 & so lonely even though everyone thinks I have this wonderful high flying life….wish I wouldn’t wake up every day……I hope you find hope to enjoy your days/future , you deserve to be happy & loved!

  6. I totally get it peeps. I can’t stand crying and being sad anymore. I do also take on caring for everyone that I forgot about myself. I hate myself, i don’t know how to set boundaries and feel that everyone I associate with is only around because of what they can get from me. Why doesn’t anyone like me when I would do anything for anyone? I have two kids. One still home , 16. I sat here tonight trying to see how deep I would have to push the sissors down on my arm from my elbow to my wrist and thought about what if my child would find me? That wouldn’t be right. But I think my husband would be better off without me. He works so hard and for what ? Me? I don’t want him to feel pressured to feel that he has to go to work. If I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t have to live in this overpriced house and could move. I feel so sick of the fake feelings I have for our neighborhood. It’s a bubble of fake people with fake lives. I just want to die now. Just wish I could be positive my beautiful children would not accidentally find me… Should go to the ocean and jump off a boat… No body and get eaten by all the sharks and sea creatures… Maybe that is the answer.

  7. Im going through im a guy in my 20s I got a 6month old and now the partner is pregnant again she is also a emotional bully wont let my family see the child we have alredy and she wont abort this one iver she makes my life hell I never have my time I dont know who I a anymore she constantly says very horrible and abusive things and if I end it with her shes alredy sed she wont let me see the kids I been through so much in life I just want to die or runaway forever help me someone

  8. I’ve thought long and hard about why I feel that I don’t want to be here anymore. Is it because every time I try to improve my life or take on a new challenge? Is it because once I’m gone, within a few years, it will be like I never ever existed? No, although all of these reasons are valid, the main reason I want to end everything (my life) is because I just hate myself. I am the worst person I know. I’m like a ghost in societies window, just a shadow. I just don’t matter. I am married and have been for 30 years and my wife loves me, but our relationship is in a sort of stalled crisis. Neither one of us wants to admit it or talk about it….that would be just too painful for us both. If I go, my wife will grieve and ask herself ‘why I would leave her’, but she will move on, and her life will be better for it, I’m sure. My family? Yes, they will feel it, but as I haven’t been physically part of their lives since I left home at 18 (35 years ago), it won’t alter their lives at all.

    That’s just it, me going will not alter anyone’s life at all, just like being here doesn’t. No different.

    1. God put everyone here for a purpose, even though you don’t believe it. His master plan is not to be questioned because it is beyond human comprehension. Keep the faith, people do care…I do anyway or I wouldn’t have responded to you…

  9. i am 15 and i don’t want the world to be against me anymore today i have seriously considered getting out some say Ive got my whole life ahead of me but i mean damn what am i supposed to do when no one treats me human anymore im just some toy they can all play with well im thru being a rag doll you can throw around call a monster psychotic dirt im thru no more if only- if only the wood pecker cries the bark on the trees are as soft as the sky’s my parents tell me i dont love them when i go every waking moment worrying about the next time ill see them or if ill ever see them agian thru some one help

  10. I am in my 30s and have seen horror found in most Stephen King novels. My body is so full of scars and my heart is just as bad.. I’ve been cutting myself since I was a teenager. But that doesn’t work for me anymore.. It doesn’t give the release of pressure anymore. No one cares. No one is there. I mean nothing to every person I know.. My body is falling apart anyway.. Needing knee surgery and hip surgery can’t breathe when I sleep. So I’m just done. I want out too

  11. God loves you, when times are tuff turn to him because he understands and care.. Dont kill your self bcuz your soul will be lost.. God is a loving God, no matter what you are going through turn to him bcuz he is our Father and understands our pain… Please sweet heart seek consoling and attend a church, have them practice bible study with you.. God is love and you are his child.. If others around you dont appreciate you dont pay that no mind because they are human and ungrateFul, God appreciate and loves you inside out no matter what you are his child. Don’t give up on life. There’s hope. Exercise, eat healthy and things will be alot better.. God is good. God bless you my sister I love you

    1. person u do not know what this woman or I am living through u think u have all the answers. u are full of it.have u seen god .if he loves us why are we in this nightmare.i’ll bet u don’t have this going on in your life.i said a lot of this stuff when I was younger and I know now I was full of it.u might or not find out one day.but if u do u will feel like a fool but that will be the least of ur problems.i wish I could use the words I feel but that would not help just give u a reason to discount me.happy trails to u

      1. I can fully understand why someone would end their life. I have been considering it for a few months. I am in my mid 70’s with multiple health issues. Some keep me in constant pain. I have no close family and our friends abandoned me after my wife died last spring. I have absolutely no reason to go on living. My plan is to put a gun barrel in my mouth and pull the trigger before Valentine’s day. I am making plans for my own cremation and my ashes will be buried near my wife..

  12. I can relate to this woman. I am 50 as well and looking back at my life…. absolutely not worth even looking back at! As she said… always there for others trying to live the “good” life…. What a joke!

  13. lost all family in war , i have no kids and the wife just dumped me .. sucide sounds a very good idea right now , just endless vacation from it all

  14. The issue in response has no clarified answer for the question at hand. Looking for answers should be of creditabilty. Forums are flooded with abstract views will distract and conform to an improper result inwhich may ultimately lead to incorrectness and perpetrate ignorance to others. Research from a reliable resouce. Forums are not one. (That is if you are true)
    *-indirect comments discredit the commentator-

    It’s understood there at times a desisive answer can be found in a forum.

    *-life is short but the lives we can live are many-

  15. Its so sad. Some people dont realize they have alot to live for. Either that or they are saying it for attention.

  16. Look to nature for a quick way to end your life. Digitalis commonly known as Foxglove will do a very quick job but their will be pain in the first few minutes.

    Now I wont tell you to do it or even agree with your rational but if you want to go I can only say have fun and I hope you enjoyed the ride of life.

  17. I too really hope that you’re still alive.. it would be nice if you responded, here’s a ton of people who care about you and gave you some really kind words of love and caring..
    i agree with most everything that was written (except s couple of smart-*****) i had a horrible childhood myself, sexually abused beyond belief, physically, emotionally and ritually. also was in an almost 20 year long, yuckky marriage and i do have two selfish teenagers but that’s what teenagers typically are. i could go on and on about the crap i’ve been thru but i am now 43 years old, being selfish (except caring for my kids) and finally enjoying life.. i’m overweight about 30 pounds but i believe that problem will get worked out if i keep working on myself..
    i hope to God you’re still alive, could you please let us know..? we care

  18. There is no proof for any kind of god.

    Anyone why says otherwise has lost their weak mind to an easy explanation for their own suffering and existance.

    All of these religious comments should be qualified as “MAXIMUM IDIOCY”

  19. Hello dear…

    Your life is yours because it’s independent. It’s unfortunate that you are feeling depressed and lonely. However, pleeeeease remember you’re ONE INDIVIDUAL. You’re the judge if you should feel happy or not.

    Don’t consider yourself a non-value. Your value depends on how your look at things — you had beautiful kids. You raised them up, you were closed with them. But hey, kids grow up, they do and they leave — that’s all part of life, and NOT YOUR FAULT, as a matter of facts, anybody’s fault.

    You need to start your life anew. Stop associate with negative people or energy which will suck your life dry. Remember, we are here in this world for wonderful things — look at them, see the world around you, enjoy good foods, find new friends, companions.

    At 50, it’s not too late. Start develop a habit to have a bit of exercise everyday, or even just spend more time to walk around and shop for groceries (it’s consider light exercise).

    Don’t call it quit yet. You will have many years of happy life to come, don’t throw it away.

    You mentioned “servitude” in your post, but isn’t it about time you should be doing some good for yourself??

    Be strong!


  21. I skimmed through the comments and no one seemed to answer your question… You can always find happiness, but if you really want a way out, I would suggest going to a Funeral Home and shooting a nice fat dose of heroin. I hope you find a friend though. :) I do agree with Jess.

    …I’m only trying to help.

    (Heroin is cheap and feels great, there will be no “mess” to clean up, and the folks at the funeral home are paid to take care of the deceased, so they won’t mind.)

    Goodluck chica :)

  22. Hey there…I wonder how you are doing. Are you still with us? Did you do it? I read some of these messages…skimmed through a lot more. Lots about God, but what if you don’t believe? Lots of strangers telling you they love you, but where are they when you want a coffee and a chat? One guy, whoa, he really abused you hey? i think he was trying to go for the tough love thing. Did it work? Made me want to go for a power walk right now.

    SO I thought I would try a different approach…and here it goes.

    Dear “Exit door please???”

    Hi. My name is Lauren. I am 31 and live in Australia. My partner and I are living with my parents…boohiss. Love them but they drive us crazy. I am not working at them moment (soooo bored) and am waiting for next year when I will go back to studying. My partner works and we are trying to save some $$$$ to move out. We have some big plans for the future but it is all very slow going.

    So that is a bit about me. What about you? I am still wondering if you are with us, and am hoping you haven’t done it. Wish I had of come across your post a lot earlier. Your family sounds selfish. You should talk to your son and tell him how much you miss him. You should definately get rid of your man…he sounds no good. And you should not kill yourself. Cause it really is a one time decission.

    I would love to hear back from you. Do you still check this page I wonder. If you would like to write back then just reply and we can swap email addresses. After all, it is no good offering you the hand of friendship if there is no hand.

    Lauren x

  23. It Sounds to me like you have been depressed for quite a while. Maybe you should think about going to a doctor who can get you on some anti depressants. they work wonders for me. Just be peatient though till you get on the right ones and the right dose. Just please don’t give up. Love you!!! whoever you are:)

  24. I don’t have time to read all of the comments so forgive me if I am simply repeating what someone has said before me.
    I could talk about the meaning and importance of life, address the specific issues of your situation or even make an emotional appeal to you however there is one thing that stands out above everything else for me.

    If you are prepared to leave your life by ending it, then you have absolutely nothing to lose by walking away from it instead.

    I had a horrible time growing up. I hated almost everything about my life but as soon as I had anywhere near the freedom you do now I left it all behind. I moved to a new town, took up new hobbies, went back to education, got a new job, a new haircut, learned to drive, got new friends… In short I started everything anew.

    It was hard work and it did have it’s ups and downs but it was never anywhere near as painful or as hard as my life was before. Now I’m doing something I really love, in a wonderful new home, with real friends who love me. I’m certain that you could do it too. It’s so much easier than staying in a life that makes you so unhappy and it seems like you’ve already decided that leaving your life would be overwhelmingly a good thing. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Be brave and you can do anything!

  25. get out of the situation, even if it’s temporary. give yourself sometime to think. loose weight that would make you feel better. don’t think of the people who drags you down. save yourself! I have been into 2 marriages and 2 divorces. I’m raising my daughter myself no support from anybody, living pay check-to paycheck and exhausted but still i embrace life as beautiful. i get hurt a lot of times because nobody accepts me but the game must not stop. i’m writing this because I want to listen to myself too. be strong have faith in GOD. just get outside the house and have a little walk and breath.

  26. While I completely disagree with you that this is what you deserve, I do agree with you that your life may not get any easier. My life is following the same path as yours, minus the husbands as I am not married. I can only hope that your life got better, and if not and you did end your life, that you are at peace now.

  27. I’d say, if you’re financially secure. One day when you’re alone in the house you just pack your stuff and leave to another country or state and don’t contact your family again. You can even change your name if you want to. That’s sort of a suicide. And don’t kill yourself. That’s the easy way out. Be proud you lived this long and you still have life ahead of you. And then you’ll find happiness in your new life. Your age doesn’t mean anything. At least you’ll be truly free if that burden of a family of yours. And then…if you honestly feel like it down the road…talk to them again on the phone (but never reveal where you are and what name you’re going by). Just don’t kill yourself.

  28. I hope its not too late. Please dont do it. Your life matters. Your post made me cry.
    My mum was 44 when she ended her life. We were 18 and 20 when she died and let me tell you that it is not something you ever get over. The questions of why didnt I say something, why didnt I do something, the blaming yourself is eternal, The if only’s fade a little over time but they r never gone. Sometimes the cry for help go unanswered because people are ignorant and dont understand or they dont know how to help you. Help yourself, leave your unhappy life and start afresh. Live your life for you now(a precious gift)Please dont think that your family wont care. They will be forever tortured. Please dont end your chance for happiness. My mum had a shitty life and went thru alot of grief and unhappiness. She had depression and no-one helped her. Please seek help from professionals. When Im feeling unhappy I always think of my sudanese refugee friend who had escaped to australia but his brother was not so lucky. His brother was left with the choice of Killing his wife and children or watch them tortured and raped and killed by the rebels. Life is never as bad as that. Ill Pray you.xxxxxxxxx

  29. Four years ago a friend of mine hung himself. No matter how you do it, it leaves destruction. It is such a cowardly thing, when everyday everybody else fights. We fight everyday to survive and try to be happy. Taking your life is a selfish selfish thing to do when there are thousands of people who would give anything for an extra day in this life.

    1. I’m sorry to go against the grain, but I simply don’t agree! Listen to her story! Stop trying to tell her that she will damage people by doing this. It’s completely her choice. Quite frankly, **** those people who you say will be so-called damaged by this – Listen to her… They don’t deserve her. She has every right to do, if for no other reason than to spite those horrid c***s in her life. They’ve f****d her up and now she has a way she can make them pay for it. After all, they won’t change their attitude towards her, they’re pure haters who need teaching a lesson – what better way!
      Sorry – but that’s my opinion! And I completely feel and think the opposite of you all. This is not a cowards way out!! On the contrary, this takes amazing levels of courage, the likes of which you can’t even imagine!!
      You poor lady – I hope you don’t !! However, I completely support your decision and understands you whole heartedly if this becomes your reality!

  30. You deserve better than what you’ve got, but you also need to think better of yourself and get yourself help. Rent “The Grapes of Wrath” if you feel sorry for yourself. Always snaps me out of it.

    You know, I’ve survived a lot in this lifetime, most recently a divorce, having no home, and I also attempted suicide when I was 16. I promised right then and there that life itself is a GIFT and is too precious to be wasted. If you have to get out, get a bus ticket and start life over somewhere else, do it. But ending it all is not the answer.

  31. “I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one. An inch. It’s small and it’s fragile and it’s the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.”– V for Vendetta
    Life has a beginning, middle, and an end. I’m not telling you to end your life– but once you know you life has ended- it has.
    The truth is that your family will miss you in the end-they have just forgotten how to express their live to you.
    I love you.

  32. wait a sec honey , i am searching too….so if u find a way just tell me ‘we can discuss it and then just don’y rush into things, afterall we do have time..

  33. I had to get that out first, typos and all.

    You need to see a councillor, and so does your husband.

    You don’t need to die to get ‘out’, leave the place and go join sometime like a charity movement, somewhere where people will appreciate your kind and generous heart.

    We support you.

  34. [quote post=”2881″]It doesn’t take a brick dropped on my head to figure out that this is what I deserve and it just won’t ever get better. EVER! [/quote]


  35. I think you should start over too. Get out of there. Take everything you want, some clothes, all the money you can, the car, **** everyone. It is your turn to have a life. Have you ever wanted to go to another state? Visit an old friend? Do it now! You are the star in your life, now act like one! And if that doesn’t work, then you can go out with a bang by leaving it all behind, and flying to mexico or somewhere and getting ****** up. Live YOUR life baby!

  36. well as i typed the word confession and came on this site…saw your post and wanted to talk to you…I hope mam you have not done what you thought of doing…i will like to suggest you something which we indians take pride on -Yoga and meditation.connect with your inner self…you are not in touch with you -your soul as your soul will tell you how important you are to you..come to india ..there is an ashram in haridwar -baba ramdev ..stay there for few days and reinvent yourself or as we say take a new birth..and forget what happned…put yourself in god’s hands…dnt take decision on his end

  37. listen to me, you are a beautiful precious person with a lot to offer the world. Please reconsider your decision. Things can change in a blink of an eye and u never know when that change is coming. i know that it seems like every day is the same day and i’m one of the angriest bitterest bitches you will ever meet but… things do get better. so this is what i suggest, sit down re-evaluate what is causing u to be sad and try to fix it or come to terms with it, i know it sucks but it helps. sometimes the best way to fix something is to embrace the simple things in life, like the ocean or a good book, a nice dinner, try to think positively about anything… take a vacation, waste all ur money on u! have fun, i mean hey if u don’t give two shits about this life why not make some fun out of it… i wish i could walk around not caring i would throw all my credit cards up in debt, steal shit, go on random vacations HAVE FUN!!! DON’T WASTE UR GIFT OF LIFE, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL ITS JUST HOW LOOK AT IT.

  38. I have been suicidal on and off for most of my life. And I can tell you right now that I am so glad I never went through with it. It is the stupidest most selfish thing you could possibly do in your life. If you feel your family doesn’t care for you, find people who do. Talk to a professional about your feelings, because obviously this is a cry for help.

  39. I need to say don’t do it. You seem like you’re depressed – I’ve been there myself. I came from a brutally tortured abusive childhood also, went into my first marriage to a physically abusive man, then got remarried to what at first seemed like my “prince charming” to a mentally abusive man. I got to such a low point and feeling stuck and trapped that death seemed better than life a few years ago. I never told anyone anything, I don’t have friends, and I felt fat/lazy/ugly/worthless also. I stayed for financial reasons and very young children. I fell into a depression, had no one to turn to. Although I have a big family, no one cared, no one had time for me. It became apparant when my phone stopped ringing and emails stopped coming. I am not completely out of my depression, however, I am not suicidal either. I did go on a diet/exercise regime, started taking better care of myself. I read self esteem poems online, read books to boost my confidence (still not there 100%) but it’s better. And I prayed. It was a hard road-still is.. I now get severe anxiety over all the different forms of abuse I suffered.. I go to counseling and was diagnosed with PTSD… and I’m dealing with it the best I can. but I’m healthier in some aspects. I wished I had kids grown and out of the house so I could just leave, find some low paying job and rent a room…but I’m not in that situation, I couldn’t afford to support my family even when I worked my full time job. I lost my job b/c my child has medical issues and is disabled which at one point added to my depression.
    I read something online that said to tell yourself something positive will happen today- every single morning, no matter how you feel- over the course of time thinking positive will turn into positive things happening- as corny as that sounds it does work. When I went on my diet I was 190 lbs and I’m now 150, it’s better I’m in a size 9/10 and look better, get more attention which really does help with confidence. Exercise every day that will help also with energy and better mental health, as will vitamins. Green Tea pills are great.

    I live with the hope that someday I’ll find my soulmate/Mr Right but for today I’ll stay with “Mr Right Now”. My husband has stopped his mental abuse when I had him arrested and thrown out a couple yrs ago. I was at my lowest point then, scared to death, but I just did it figuring at that point I had nothing to lose. Since then he’s got help came back and things have improved at least he doesn’t pull his crap with me anymore. I treat him like a piece of garbage and verbally abuse him everyday. I will never get over what’s he’s put me through (the things were horrendous), and I will resent him for the rest of my life.

    I am working on letting go of the anger towards all the abusers in my life, although its very hard. My fantasy would be to meet a man with a great personality who treats me with respect, love and kindness whom I will treat just as well. I may never find him but the fantasy of it keeps me going. A man who isn’t abusive and a man who won’t cheat on me is all I’ve ever asked for and I know he’s out there.

  40. Hey there girlfriend, I witness with you. When you have had a rough life as a kid with abuse and to not find love through marriages, and kids are not interested…etc,etc. Hun I have been through this, writing this I want to tell you personally, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE SAME, I AM FIFTY SOMETHING, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. Dear Lady, I see and know your pain, and if its any consolation, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! The post above ‘name : concerned” is right. Right on the mark, Jesus is the answer. Cry out to the Lord, say, Jesus please help me…and you know what he will….I pray as you read this message, that Gods love will cover you and hold you secure. Dear God, cover this beautiful and hurt lady with the shadow of your wings, and I declare Psalm 91 over you right now. May the love of God keep you safe and secure…for his love is the best of man/woman can match it…..Love to you across the miles, I won’t forget you dear.

  41. Please ignore my first reply
    I wrote it so fast there are a ton of typos.I cut and pasted it because I shared this prayer with a friend
    and just felt to share it with you.I’m sorry for the typos before you can erase that part if you like
    I just wanted to say that God loves you even when no one else seems to
    Has anyone ever told you that God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life?
    I have a real quick, but important question to ask you. IF you were to die this very second,
    do you know for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt , that you would go to Heaven?
    If yes Great, why would you say yes?
    If no let me share with you quickly what the Holy bible says
    It reads “for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God”
    and “for the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God
    is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord”
    The Bible also reads,
    “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord “shall be saved.”
    And you’re a “whosoever” right”
    Of course you are: all of us are,
    God loves ya
    I’m going to say a quick prayer for ya sweetie.
    Lord, bless this lady and her family with a long and healthy lives.
    Make Yourself real to her and do a quick work in her heart.
    If she has not received Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior I pray she will,
    If you would like to receive the gift that God has for you today,
    You can do it right now by saying it with this email with your heart and lips out loud.
    Just say. Dear Lord Jesus, come into my heart. Forgive me of my sin. Wash me and cleanse em.
    Set me free. Jesus, thank you that you died for me. I believe that you are risen from the dead and that You’re coming
    back again for me. Fill me with the Holy Spirit. Give me a passion for the lost, a hunger for the things of God and a holy boldness to
    preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m saved;I’m born again, I’m forgiven and I’m on my way to Heaven because I have Jesus in my heart.
    When you say that prayer it changes you.

    As a minister of the gospel of Jesus Christ.When you say that prayer, I tell you today that all your sins are forgiven.
    you are new with Him. Always remember to run to God and not from God because he Loves and has a great plan for your life.
    You are always welcome to attend church with me.

  42. You sound like a wonderful person. dont just end it. leave it behind forget about it all. go out and find what makes you happy and forget the rest.

  43. [quote comment=”3160″]I would miss you if you did that. Email me if you need a friend[/quote]
    you do realize that you didn’t put your email right? just saying

    sucide isnt the only option…

  44. I agree with Sherry……
    start praying……you are not because you are….its all coz’ of almighty…..
    then why you take shit on you…..give it to that almighty…..

    if no one loves you, need you….love urself, be a need for urself…..n above all trust almighty…..coz he knows the best way to end it….i m sure he does.

  45. please don’t do it suicide is eternal life in hell and that will be so much worse than today, pray to God for healing, go to a local church and ask for help, Jesus died for yours and my sins so turn to him,
    i don’t know you but i will pray for you, also you may need antidepressents, believe me your outlook would be totally different. God speed your healing

  46. Exit Door Please??,
    Your desire has a familiar ring. Being one with a calculating mind, one after another method was considered. I was confident I would come across the ‘right’ one, within a little time. Divine intervention changed my mind.
    Possibly, an Exit will feel consistent with how you see yourself. Others may try to get you to change how you see yourself. My view is: only you can change your self-view. And, wait . . . , if you have that ‘power’, . . . maybe, consider an option of adjusting your self-view to be more consistent with your empathy.
    Again, My view: you are attracted to those, and their associated relationships, that are congruent with what you think/feel of you. A way to change that is NOT to attempt to change them, or wait or wish they change, but, to change what you have the ability to alter: you.
    Changing your self image may prove difficult, given your life’s experiences. Yet, you may have an innate feeling abusive epithets really are wrong. Deep down, you really know you are worth more than excrement. Hey, how many times have you been requested to perform some service or act that benefits others? You think they ask excrement to bring them a drink? How many meals have you heard of that were made by shit? [did not find any on Internet] Even Mr. Hankey, the talking poo on Southpark, though he could talk, did not cook!
    OK, OK, enough rambling.

  47. why not just leave, as you say your family doesn’t need you, your husband has no respect for you. Leave it all behind, go somewhere, anywhere, you don’t have to have someone to turn to, you will find that wherever you go. Think of a place and either get in the car or on a plane and just go. LIVE life, see things, meet people, have friends, just don’t throw it away.

  48. I usually don’t comment. I don’t think anyone posts confessions to read the opinions of others, I think it’s just a relief to get it out. But in this case if I didn’t say anything I would never forgive myself.

    I’ve had family members commit suicide, I’ve had friends do it, members of my church, and family of my closest friends. I’m 22 years old and my sister has tried to end her like 3 times. I’ve always been so sensitive about the subject; I’ve always hating talking about it and I get so defensive when others bring it up. I’ve wondered my whole life what could possibly be so bad that someone really just can’t bear to take another breath? I’ve had so much sympathy for those who dream of the day they don’t wake up. I’ve wanted so much to help and to change their life. The reality of this is that no one can help you. The problem starts with you and you are the only one with the power to fix it.

    I have a neighbor who tries to kill herself all the time, the fire trucks and the police are outside almost once a month. A friend of mine made a comment that I could have thrown my glass at his face for, he said, “She is such a waste of my tax dollars!”

    I flipped. For the fist time ever I expressed how I felt about suicide in such a manner anyone could tell how much it pains my heart. His reply was simple and aggressive, he screamed, “Do you know what I think about people who try to kill themselves? I think they are choosing the easy way out. Growing up I had nothing, no family, no education, and no money. I’ve had to work hard for everything I have. Where I’m from if you have two eyes, two legs, and two hands you are one of the luckiest people on this earth. God has given you the gift of life and for you to throw it away because you’re unhappy is such a copout. Get over it. Go find out what does make you happy, why not? You’ve obviously got nothing to lose.”

    Now this is not what I am saying to you or is it how I feel about you, it’s just a simple truth. At first I was upset with him but after really thinking about it there is a reality in his words. No one has it easy. We always feel like we’ve got it the worst and some of us do have it pretty bad, but there are so many other options than death. So many choices; divorce your husband, join a club, go back to school, seek a counselor, adopt a child, get a job working as an intern and move across the country, try working on a crew ship and travel the world, spend time in the gym, join eharmony, step inside a church you’ve never been in and stay for awhile, plant a garden. The choices are endless. Please don’t give up on yourself. I was once told, it’s only once you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Do whatever you want and don’t worry about anyone but yourself. I promise one day you will be happy, just give yourself the benefit of the doubt and realize how much you are really worth.

    I pray for you and hope you find the courage to give yourself the chance to really live.

  49. Please think about what your doing its one thing for you to want to kill yourself and be depressed but its selfish. So you think your kids dont care or your daughter in law dont like you thats alright. You need to get out of your relationship and realize you deserve better than that. I was also in a verbally abusive and it took me years to leave. I learned I’m better than that you will get there. I am a stranger reaching out to you. Is it that bad I care and I dont know you. There is good left in the world trust me! If you need a friend or some sort of help I can help. Hurting alone is not fun I know right now it seems like its easier but its not deal with your life and try to improve it we all have to sooner or later. You can do it all you need is a little glimpse of faith to lead you through.

    1. jennifer, when did you become a phycologist? you are crazy and should not be giving this woman any advice. you were never in an abusive relationship. you were a drug abuser.

      leave this poor lady alone, if she listens to you she will be introuble

    2. jennifer beaudoin
      is a crazy suicidal person herself, she is certified mentally disturbed,

      who does she think she is? she does not have a husband and never will
      so she lied.

      take another valium

  50. I can understand that you can’t feel beyond your pain but suicide only makes the pain live on for others to deal with. My grandfather committed suicide and I have seen its effects now to the 2nd generation.

    Get a divorce – make some new friends and live your life. You are here for a purpose. I am fifty two and overweight and stopped feeling like I have to fix everything. I am happier than I have been by leaving the past where it is in the past.

  51. My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry you are in pain, I recently went through a terrible relationship with a very abusive man, I finally found a way to end and and I first I was so lost I almost went back because that pain seemed less than being alone, but that passed. I have a more solid faith in my God and He is the only one that knows how to comfort me, I am feeling so much better. Please, hold on sugar, it will pass, but you need to take another kind of action besides suicide to get out from under that rock. YOU CAN DO THIS,. Sherry is right YOU ARE WORTHY> DONT GIVE UP

  52. plzzz dnt ever do this..u rae alive rtnw cuz HE wants u to is his gift n u have no right to sntach it away from ne1 or urself…dnt even think abt it..u r precious!!u really are

  53. I tried to kill myself once. I am happy to be alive now though, i almost made a huge mistake. Maybe you don’t need to die. Maybe you need a restart? Leave your marriage, leave your family. Take your money and get out of Chicago, go to LA or Las Vagas, get away and dont look back until you have to.

  54. At times I have thought that killing myself would be the thiing to do.I want to tell you its NOT!Everyone even you should find something to make yourself happy (anything at all). Hope you live a long and some how find yor way to a very happy life.

  55. Please please please don’t kill yourself. I’ll definitely miss you. Having read your confession makes me feel like i know you a little. I’m sure you have a great personality to actually be thinking of the perfect way to die so as not to involve others. There should be more of you in this world. The people who do not appreciate you should die instead. Who cares if you’re fat and ugly. You must have a better life without them. You are so considerate and thoughtful unlike your husband and your son’s wife who doesn’t even know how to think about your feelings. They are the ones who are truly hideous and rotten inside out.

  56. I’m not a big fan of talking people out of suicide and the fact that you have acknowledged all the shittiness in your life, yet you just want to whine about things. You are fat and you are ugly and you don’t care otherwise you’d do something about it fat ass! Now, are going to allow all the shit in your life to run you over or are you going to suck it up and make the changes you need.

    You blame everyone else for all your misfortunes, yet I can tell the problem is you! Ugly fat women tend to forget they are just that and in turn society rejects and/or marginalizes them because most are loud-mouthed, pushy, attention seeking sponges that draw the life out of everyone around them. Enough said lard-ass. What’s it going to be? You going to grab this bull and the shit around you by the horns and kick its ******* ass, or are you going to just lay down and burst into a spontaneous human grease fire?

    Stop the whining shit and take charge of your life there Bathsheba Butt! No one can take advantage of you unless you allow them and rationalizing your issues with classic fat-broad co-dependency tears will not change anything!

    Get up off your dead ass, lose weight by changing your eating habits abd start power walking. Eat fresh fruits, lean meats and an occasional sweet potato with a little brown sugar on it will usually tone down your craving for sweets. If you walk every day, working up to five miles you can plan to lose 7-10 pounds monthly. It will burn off stress and maybe that ugly mound of a worthless piece-of-shit husband of yours will man up and do his part. Both of you will lose weight (men faster than women) and you can stop whining about poor little you. Now, go after what you want or plan to donate your body to science so people can learn about morbid obesity and its effect on the body while the med students carving you up will be laughing at your ugly fatness!

    Get the **** out of the house and stop sucking on Bon-Bons fatty and start the rest of your life today or just shut-up and go away quietly where you can be forgotten.

    1. nice words **** wit, dont ever go into counciling, have you any idea how that could make someone feel. i bet your lovely to know.

  57. I don’t know you or your life, but I do know that you don’t need any people in your life that make you feel “less than” or unworthy. I don’t give a damn how you look or what you weigh, you are worthy! You deserve to live and be happy just because you are you. Please don’t hurt or kill yourself over other peoples bullshit. If you haven’t tried it, Pray. You don’t have to be perfect to go to God, if you’re not religious, go to whatever higher plain you have and let it go, YOU ARE WORTHY OF LIFE, LOVE AND LAUGHTER. You just need to let go of the anchors in your life and you will sail!

    1. I think suicid is not forbidden, if you really suffer a lot, BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY EVERYTHING TO GET BETTER BEFORE YOU DO IT. Sorry to repeat, what everyone is saying, but: Visit a doctor. Give your self a chance. I was feeling so bad, that I was hoping for having cancer, just to get out of Life without hurting anyone. But now with Antidepressants and a Therapy I feel soooo good! Would I have thought, that I was clinically depressed? NO! But I was.

      1. I have been planning on ending my life for months now. I have made up my mind. I have suffered more than most could handle. It doesn’t get better. It gets worse. In two weeks I’ll be gone.

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