Sad Existence

I drink alone every night. I wake up every morning alone & hungover. I have no life, no happiness, and the only respite I have is making other people laugh.

3 thoughts on “Sad Existence

  1. Okay but you’re admittedly not happy. Do these 4 things: go to Alcohol detox, start at Alcoholics Anonymous and get a sponsor there and go to therapy. Your will most likely soon improve. Take care now.

  2. CM makes a kind and thoughtful reply, but I’d like to add one too if you don’t mind. And I’d like to start by saying what you already know, but I think it might comfort you to hear others confirm. Loneliness sucks. It really, really sucks. And how crazy is it that here were are, living in a world of 7 billion+… with literally MILLIONS of people feeling exactly as alone and isolated as you feel right now. I know because sometimes I feel lonely too, even when I’m surrounded by others who have no idea that’s what’s going on inside. Does that sound at all familiar to you? I’m guessing it might. Here’s something else that sucks, though. Drinking — and I also like to have a good drink now and again — never works to make that feeling go away, even though it feels in the moment that it will. That’s the terrible seductive quality of alcohol, isn’t it? That it erases the very clarity you need to see what it’s really doing. You feel better while you’re drunk, and feel far worse when you wake up, not just because of the hangover. But if I can suggest something, lately I’ve been cutting back on drinking… not because of anything related to what it’s done to my mood, as I only like drinking because it goes so well with food or streaming Netflix or just relaxing, but because I’m on a diet… and it’s had a surprising side effect. I’ve actually come to love waking up feeling well rested and NOT hungover. I feel sharper during the day… and funnier (thank you, by the way, for being the kind of person that loves to make other people laugh… I like being that guy too and I’m pretty good at it, when I get rolling… and it’s a great feeling… everybody loves and appreciates that)… I like what it’s doing for me professionally because I’m more on the ball than I thought I would be… and yeah, I’ve also dropped a few pounds (about 10 lbs so far, with another 20 lbs to go). Yes, I’ve had a few nights where I still had a lot more beer or wine than I’d set out to drink. And yes, I’ve had a couple hangovers since then too. But here’s what’s helped me cut back: One, I set a goal… in fact, a series of small goals… for how much weight I want to lose and by when. I believe weight loss as the goal, rather than “not drinking because it’s bad for me and deepens my sense of melancholy and isolation,” is helpful because it’s seen as completely respectable with everybody, even my friends who still like to drink. They support me in it, whereas they might not if I just said, “I need to quit drinking.” The latter feels like moralizing, the former like a sensible health choice. Two, when I’m sitting down to those times when drinking a lot is or was part of the program, I always make sure I’ve got a bottle or pitcher of water nearby. And I alternate between the two or just start drinking water after a couple glasses of wine, even pouring the water in my wine glass. Sounds dumb, but it really helps. You feel like you’re sort of drinking, because of the glass. And it fills that mindless void of sipping away at something. Sure, it takes a little willpower. But the tiniest bit. And my god, you feel great after you wake up a few mornings in a row without that lethargic, pasty, painfully shameful feeling of having had to much booze the night prior. Maybe that will help you too. Of course, you still need to address the loneliness and, I know, that’s not so easy… right? After all, you can’t just kick down that wall that stands between you and others, can you? But… maybe you can. You said you’re funny. Did you know, by the way, that people who are funny often have the same kinds of feelings you have? It’s a quirk of the creatively comic mind. You’ll just have to learn to live with that, maybe even embrace it. But what if… you were get some friends together to go to a comedy show? When’s the last time anybody’s been to one? Hasn’t it been too long? I’ll bet even if you ask a few aquaintances, they’d love that you suggested it. If you really want to step it up, where do you live? Because chances are, if it’s anywhere of a decent size, there’s probably an improv group nearby. Take a look at a site like Go just once and see what it’s like. You would instantly have something in common with everybody there. I know, it sounds like a huge effort. Something you just don’t have the energy or spiritual stamina to do. You’d rather stay home tonight and drink. Again. But ask yourself, what harm could it do? You could go and still go home and drink that night, if you need to. But I’m going to make a guess that maybe you won’t want to do that. Maybe you just need a disruption in your routine to see that you’re not just disgusted with yourself for drinking your way to sleep everynight. You’re also just… bored… with it. And what do we do when we’re bored with anything else… say a TV show, a kind of food, a friend with nothing worthwhile to say? We change it. That’s all you need. To change a little something here too. And it will be easier than you think, I promise you.

  3. Do you know what the root is, or is it just difficult to meet people or hard to make friends? If there is a root, it’s probably not a bad idea to get therapy, if you can, to deal with it.

    If it helps (since misery loves company), I know that feel. I’m temporarily single while my wife is out of town, and drinking every night until I’m comfortably drunk and it’s bedtime. Not enough to get a hangover, since I have to get up early for work, but enough that things matter less. I have a set of issues that resulted in depression, and I’m just now pulling out of it – maybe someday it’ll make it on this site. This particular set of issues is something that my wife would not be happy about, so I have to pretend like things are normal when she’s around. I probably won’t be drinking as much, if at all, once she gets back.

    Sorry for the jog – back to you. Find the root, and kill it with fire. If the source is loneliness and isolation, start doing things that you enjoy that also give the possibility of interacting with other people, be yourself, and things should work out naturally. Don’t latch onto the first person you meet, since you’ll likely want to do that after being so lonely, but make sure to give space and try to chill.

    If you don’t want to not be lonely anymore, or you’re someone who really isn’t into other people at all, I’m not sure how useful this is. Best of luck, and know that you’re not really alone.

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