Loser
Posted by Wrecked_Life in Alone on Aug 22nd, 2010 | 2 commentsI came here looking for a place to put this deep rooted feeling of self disgust.
I am 34, I will be 35 soon. I feel like a total failure, as every relationship I have had ended in disaster.
I went from a woman I totally loved and was faithful to, and a child who died before birth, to a string of failed relationships with men, only to be diagnosed HIV pos two years ago.
I took the meds and became “undetectable” , but the side effects of the medication, to include hallucinations and suicidal thoughts, has become overwhelming. I frequently miss companionship with a female, but I don’t date females because I can’t be open about my situation. The guy I am seeing knows, and has the same circumstance, but this aside, we have little else in common, and often clash. It doesn’t help the matter that I don’t have much desire for men anymore.
I haven’t told anyone in my family, I just don’t want to deal with their drama. They’re so anti-gay and narrow minded if I so little as catch a cold they will assume I am dying of AIDS.
Everyday I open my eyes I struggle to make it. I feel like my life is doomed, and the best thing for me to do is die, and if I am lucky, next lifetime will be better. If there is a hell, it can’t be much worse than this. I just don’t have the courage to kill myself.
I will say, if I take enough of those Atripla all at once, that just might do it.
2 Responses to “ “Loser”
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You have had a whole lot of yuckky stuff happen in your life. As for your child dying, I’m so sorry, that’s the hardest thing that a human can go through..
I’ve had my share of tragedy too, things that had been very difficult to live through.
Now, I do alot of therapy and support groups. For you, Grief and loss plus HIV/AIDS groups, I think would help. But what I also recommend to you is to find something to make you happy, hobbies etc are great. But what I really think would be good for you is volunteering, maybe with AIDS patients.. I’m not sure exactly but I can’t help but get the sense that you really need to give and get back in order to feel satisfied in this life, please don’t commit suicide, we only get one live, we need to learn to live it, good luck to you.. Search within yourself, the answers are there. And try not to worry about dating and romance at this juncture in your life, you need to make yourself happy first by learning who YOU are, the rest will fall into place. Good luck, let us know how you are doing, please, people do care
Hmmm, despondent days my friend.
Instead of the past pain
Lets look at the now…ok HIV is now too but you have that in hand with the meds, though I would ask someone about side effects and depression, someone somewhere will have solutions from Docs to blogs.
I would say that this relationship that isn’t going well at the mo needs to be gotten out of, you have enough to carry.
As for wanting female company again, what makes you think women won’t understand? Us women are a rainbow of difference and experience I understand and feel no sense of judgement, just a nod, we all have unusual stories.
I guess what I’m trying to say is a bad day can compound with everything else that you carry and struggle with, but if the now was ok, then you could pack your bag back up and on your back and carry on.
So I say talk to interesting women, approach as friends, try being honest and open, lay it on the table, see their reaction. I was surprised when a work colleague told me their quite unusual secret but equally flattered that they had told me.