Secret Confessions

I really wish to kill someone.

Just someone random. I don’t know for how long…
At first I was scared of that side of myself. But I’ve always adored the idea. It should be so wrong, but the thought of taking someone’s life is just… beautiful.
I’ve thought about it a lot, yeah. I’d dreamed about strangling people, because that’s the best way for killing someone, because it would be ME doing it, not a weapon doing it FOR me. But slicing someone’s throat or just stabbing and stabbing them would be nice as well.
Or, one of the coolest things, going on top of some high building with a sniper rifle and watching people’s faces from far-far away, aiming them in the area around eyes and nose where gunshot would certainly kill them and then pressing the trigger and see them fall and scream in silence, for they are so far away…
And I can never do that.
And sometimes it seems so unfair.
Luckily I have a really good friend of mine… who has had some problems, though he’s over them now (nothing illegal or anything like that, no). Anyway, during those hard times, which I tried to help him come across as good as I could, we got really close and have many things in common.
For instance, we can share ideas how to kill people. He prefers weapons, because he enjoys pain more.
I think death should be beautiful, though pain mustn’t be excluded. And it shouldn’t be too quick. A person being killed should preferably know what’s going on, to have time to understand that there’s nothing to do about it and that he or she is going to die in my hands.
But yeah, I’m week in a way. I’m not going out to kill people. Though it’s be so nice. To have a random person to…
I wish I could be a serial killer. Those guys can be so cool sometimes.
Oh, and when the school-shooting happened in Finland and I learned more about it (not all people who shoot at random are cool. They must have a good reason for it. He had good ideas, but he could’ve been better.), well, me and my friend shared our thoughts and ideas about it. Sadly/luckily it’s tough to get a gun around here. It’s just not it to go around stabbing people while they run away. It’s too tough. Well, when one of us would decide that we have enough of living, we would probably kill some people before finishing our own lives. And most likely, we’d do it together.
And then there’s this guy who lives not too far from my city and who I talk to online and after the shootings in Finland, he really wished he had done that beforehand and really tried to get a gun via some of his acquaintances, who have friends in the black market, but they were afraid that he’d go on shooting people if they’d get him a gun. Which, as we both agreed, was kinda funny, because weapons are actually really made for killing people. If I’ve had a way to give him the gun so he could’ve gone to the school and started shooting, I’d done that, I’m quite-quite sure I would’ve.

But there, I haven’t done anything. And no, I don’t torture little animals or children of anything. I love animals and seriously hate those who hurt them in any way.

And I’m not going to do that either. I’m pretty sure of that. I’d hate to go to jail and I’m not sure whether I’d be sent to some psychiatric hospital. Sometimes I think that spending time in some might actually be a bit beneficial. But then again, I believe to be sane enough to control my actions. So far I have been, without any difficulty.

And I have this friend of mine to whom I can talk to. Talking about it and acknowledging my feelings towards this subject and letting my mind wonder and think about it at times is also one way to live out this process without the need to do that in real life.

But it’s just not fair.