I Feel Empty…
Posted by Sparky in Alone on Jul 30th, 2011 | 41 commentsMy name is Sparky, for the purpose of anominity but also to give a personal touch to what I am writing. I am a 17 year old boy and basically, I have lost the will to live.
I lack the social understanding and emotion required to function properly in this world. I cannot form relationships, I cannot feel peoples pain, and I cannot feel happy. Every day I go about pretending I’m okay, but the truth is I feel nothing but hurt and regret. I’m a waste time and space because I lack the motivation required to achieve things. I misiturpret the most basic of social cues and for those reasons I have never had a friend, let alone a girlfrined. I simply can’t see the point anymore. Out of the millions of sperm that could have made it, all those people with the potential to be something great, I was born. And I hate myself for it. I haven’t been hugged in four and a bit years (my parents don’t like me enough to.) I feel like an alien. I don’t belong in this world and it gets to me more and more every day I continue existing. Therefore surely I deserve the quiet and comfort of death, if not because of what I’ve been through then surely because I’ve done nothing to deserve this so caled “gift.” Nothing to contribute to the world I live in.
I write not because I seek attention but because the last spark of humanity inside me is telling me that I need help. Therefore,I ask of it here. If anyone can explain to me why I should continue to live, then please comment something. I feel empty, and I need to be whole again more than I know.
41 Responses to “ “I Feel Empty…”
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i just found this site and i to am 17 and male. i know no ones situation is the same so its pointless telling you that I understand what you are going though…but i guess i can relate to alot of what you are saying… your outlook on life, and the way you say you feel about yourself is alot like how i felt last year….and i know this sounds like such a clishe but it gets better…that is why you should live. life does end up getting better, your in a bad place right now and thankfully it dosnt sound like things can get any more painful. secondly you should live because what is making you feel this way ( i speak from experience) is a **** called depression and it does pass…. i know cause i am still here today and do not for a second think that i am any stronger than you are because i am not and i am certain you can do it too.
as i mention again your whole outlook on the world, feeling alien…. detached uselsss…. is a mirror of how i felt…but it does get better. you will pull out of this.
lastly i want to add, i hope me writing this whith my shit spelling and all (dyslexia), has prooven that there is still love out there in the world for you, i may have no idea who you are, where your from…. but there is someone out there in the uk (i may as well throw my location in) who cares about you dispite not even having met you. your story reminded me of how i felt, and things did get better, and are getting better.
ps please dont do anything stupid, and i hope you get this on time….keep safe. and i hope i have helped
i think feeling empty is normal-methink you have a lot to offer. i bet you can paint or draw if not i think you should try because u think lije an artist. poe the writer felt like you did and he wrote about it. write it all down than sell it i will be waiting in line to buy it…keep up the good work
sparky, you should try calling a suicide hot-line or something…but anyway you know you need help, which is the first step…that shows that you are strong enough to pull of of this depression. secondly you have your whole life before you, and i know that the future looks dark from where you are right now but you dont know that….nothing is ever certain. the fact you state that you were the lucky sperm shows that you are a winner regardless of what troubles life may throw at you (corny i know) hold on sparky. you can get through this
xoxox
:)
Hang in there and seek therapy if you feel that you need it. It is people like you that inspire me to seek my own help in order to keep my child’s life stable (I’ve got mental heath issues). I’m sorry you feel this way and I wish this sort of thing didn’t happen. Nobody deserves to feel lonely, but everyone probably does. I’ve got my own family and still feel isolated.
I think you really should seek some help, it’s not normal to feel the way you do. There’s a company called Beyond Blue that should be able to help you.
1300 224 636..or http://www.beyondblue.org.au
Goodluck..
Hi Sparky,
Plz get professional help, visit a psychologist to find out why you feel the way you do and how can you change it for the better.
You are in this world for a purpose.
Good luck! and God Bless!
I don’t know what you’re going through, but I love someone who does.
The love of my life is very much like you. He was 20 when we got together and I was his first girlfriend – his first friend really. He struggled for years with all the things you mentioned, but there was no one to help him. He never even finished school or had a job.
He was finally diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome a few years ago.
We have been together for nearly 13 years now and are both very happy. You don’t know what will happen. Tomorrow could be the day things get better, or the next day, or the next. But if you give up then you will never know.
Make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible. There is help out there and there are so many people just like you. Tell your doctor how you are feeling and if you don’t get the help you need, find another doctor!
It might be worth googling Aspergers syndrome or Social Anxiety. You may not have either of these, but you could research them and mention it to your doctor.
Please don’t give up. I am madly in love with someone just like you and I don’t settle for anything less than the best, so you must be pretty awesome!
I do have aspergers sydrome (i must have forgotten to mention) as well as other personality disorders (hypersensory, masochistic and one more i like to keep to myself.) When I was younger, I just thought everyone thought like I did and that I was normal. Half my life I couldn’t understand why everyone in my classes bullied and hated me. Then when i was 13, my parents finally told me I had aspergers syndrome. They tried to make me think I was special instead of damaged, telling me that my brain was “wired differently but just as capable.” Of course I don’t believe them, if I was important in any way then people would have appreciated that, instead of rejecting and excluding me from all their stupid little groups and parties. Not that it matters anymore I’m too ****** up to be of any use to anyone now. My doctor thinks nothing of it, he’s to intrested in my physical health to give a shit about how I feel.
I have failed my college A levels, my Dad’s cancelled my allowance and I’m too nervous to leave the house so I can’t get a job.
Tell your boyfriend how much he means to you. It would mean a lot to him if he’s anything like me.
I tell him every day that he is everything to me, but I gave him an extra hug after reading your reply.
Please visit a better doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist. You sound like you are in the UK. So am I and there is help available here.
My boyfriend never even used to leave the house and he couldn’t talk on the phone, but now he is doing so much better.
He didn’t have any professional help, but I’m sure it would help you. If you don’t want to see a doctor by yourself (it can be really stressful), could you ask your parents to go with you?
You are special. I always tell my love that he sees the world as it really is (bloody terrifying), while the rest of us manage to go through life with our eyes half closed.
The fact that you managed to even finish school and go on a college course is pretty amazing. I didn’t actually think that was possible until I read your story, so you should be so proud of that, whatever the final result. You can always try the Open University if you don’t want to go back to college and then get a job (from home if you don’t want to work with people).
Don’t feel bad about being left out by your schoolmates. The people who were popular when I was at school are now ALL nobodies with awful lives. The losers are all doing fine and are much happier. It can take a long time, but people really do eventually get what they deserve. Someone told me that Bill Gates has Aspergers and he’s done pretty well!
is the other one schizoid? most of those so-called disorders are just ways of saying you are shy, and that people love to marginalize and put into boxes anyone who is different. at least that’s how i interpret it.
Then you’re a dumbass. These disorders are very real and can destroy lives.
Would you be so quick to tell an epileptic they’re just clumsy?
For ****’s sake…
Lady J, I just wanted to say thankyou. You responded to both of my confessions with words of comfort and support. I can safely assume you really do care about what’s happening to me and the fact that you would go as far as telling me about your life and your boyfriend touches me. It might not seem a big deal to you, but I find it so difficult to tell people about my life. It’s a terrifying concept to me in fact. I wish I could meet you in person knowing you’re in the same country as me. I really hope, one day, that I find a girl just like you as well. Because whenever I read one of your comments, I feel this spark of emotion, which is rare for me to feel and it makes me feel so good. It makes me feel human. You provide love and salvation for your boyfriend, and reading what you have written makes me think that perhaps, I can find salvation too. Thankyou so much. Words cannot express how hard it is right now. I needed this.
You say you dont believe you parents that you are special because people bullied you because u were different. But the truth of it is children are cruel and tend to always pick out someone different should it be personality or pyschically, so I wouldnt take this personally because it still happens at times when your older too even outside of the school environment. People tend to be threatened by the unknown or by things they dont understand but that doesnt mean that your not special in some way. Some of the greatest people in the world have thought differently otherwise nothing in this world would have changed! People who think differently are the people who end up making the biggest difference in this world so you should realise that and not dwell on the past and what has been said/done etc but concentrate on what you can do now, not everyone has the answers straight away as to what they could do but there must be something you enjoy doing that at least makes you a bit happy, and by also pushing your boundaries too things will slowly but surely improve for you but like what was said in a previous comment if your already at rock bottom then anything you try can only be a positive because what could be much worse! I would definately seek advice with professionals though because doctors are more pyschically orientated rather than psychological! Take care and try to think positive :) x
i posted a comment yesterday but it may have been deleted. it was lengthy. live sparky because what you are feeling now is depression. i am not going to pretend that i know how you feel becuase no two situations are the same, but saying that i feel as if i can relate to alot of why you mention, the detachemnt, the isolation, feeling alien and useless. what i have to tell you i guess is to live because things get better, i knwo it may not seem that way now. live because you are young. you have everything ahead of you, you just cannot see it now. live because you have the strenght to change, i know that because you know you need help and want help as this is why you wrote this. finnaly live because there is still love in the world as i hope i have prooven to you :)
Don’t kill yourself if that’s what you’re thinking on doing. I feel the same way as you, but I decided to keep on living. Killing yourself is just the cowards way out, just keep on living and death will come when it comes, don’t go looking for it. Besides if you kill yourself you’ll just end up burning in hell, which by the way is worse than what your going through now. You aren’t the only person who feels this way, try getting some help and rise above this.
Goodluck
Everyone deserves happiness, but not all can find it in life. It’s sad, but it’s a fact. I don’t believe feeling suicidal or even committing suicide is something to feel guilty over, neither is living instead of someone else. Don’t hate yourself for something that was never your fault, it was not your choice to be born, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be great.
I have felt like you for a long time, like I lacked the tools to understand this world. I still feel like that a lot of the time, but I’ve come to notice that it goes both ways. People also lack the tools to understand one another. Maybe you were born because you possess the tools to lessen the boundaries between people that aren’t understood and the people that don’t understand them.
I can’t give you a reason to live, I don’t think anyone can other than yourself, but I do know that every human being is able to do so much more than they think themselves capable of. That includes you. You have the potential to be an amazing human being, and I sincerely hope you will get to that point.
You deserve to feel whole, to feel like you have purpose in life, to feel loved. I don’t know you, but I feel for you because you remind me of myself. In some odd way you could say that you’re important to me. I don’t know if that matters, but it does to me.
I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for ♥
Sparky,
I’m 15. Female. And depressed. But,
Finding the point in living, will only hurt you more. I’ve been where you are. But under different circumstances. I didn’t WANT anyone to love me. I felt I was worthless. I still feel that way sometimes. But, you’ll find that living has a point. You most likely mean the world to someone. And honestly, you’re probably a lot better of a man than 99% of the male gender.
Don’t let the world bring you down.
I know I probably didn’t help much, but I had to tell you that.
Yours Truly.
P.S. I’d hug you, and be your friend.
Sparky. You write so beautifuly. You have a way of speaking in your post that makes me assume you are of a very smart brain. I know it is hard to communicate socially but with written word it all comes out much easier. Quiet literally spelled out better. This is by no means nothing to be a shamed of. You are gifted and have been gifted for a purpose. It may not be laid out for you right now, but the time will come when it will be. You are ment to raise above this. Above those around you. The opperssors and to show them just how much better you are. I am surprised with how well you write that there are issues. But this may be just because I am an outsider to your situation. Please heed my words. You will live. You will be above this. And you will smile truely and whole heartedly.
Go to youtube.com and check out a video called ” she went to heaven and went 2 hell” these are personal accounts of which you might not believe but will DEFINETLY speak to you, be open minded as ur last choice if you may and check it out. You will realise you really dnt wanna die you have too much unfinished business
i feel the same way. i dont think it gets ne better lol.
you are an artist create with these feeling-you are not empty you got a lot to give
We have a shit load in common. You have no idea. I grew up getting torn a part in high school because I didn’t care about the things the kids made priorities back then. I was very awkward as well. I wore glasses and braces. To get through one day of class I would lay my head down on my desk and force myself to sleep. Other wise I would get panic attacks, profusely sweat and stop breathing. I had post dramatic stress syndrome from all the attacks I endured by kids who singled me out for no reason. One girl in particular recruited the only friends I had, and proceeded to instruct them to tell me I was worthless, ugly, and would never amount to anything. All through my adult hood I harbored a strong feeling of inferiority. I would let grown men and women walk all over me because I thought they were all much more important than me. I would ask myself daily: Why me? Why was I born ugly? How come I don’t have any talents? Why the hell am I ever here? I felt like I was created to entertain the people who were worth something.
You know what? **** that. All of those people went on to have average lives. The girl that hit me the hardest is a stay at home mom that raises five children. She did not go on to become a model or an oscar winning actress like she boasted. Most of these idiots don’t. They become average citizens. I didn’t. I was never average or the nobody I was labeled. While every one I know is working their 9 to 5, I’m producing feature films. I loved writing. I loved art and film. I spent all my time dumping my feelings into a note book. My misery turned me into a film maker. I was never meant to be every one else. The kids at school couldn’t understand me because the latest brand clothing and who is dating who didn’t mean shit to me. I was busy building my future. It paid off. What ever you love, you need to go for it. You were meant for better things. This is coming from a person who shut themselves into a dark room for many years. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I think you should talk to some one; Get every thing off your chest. You belong here; Just not riding the same wave as every one else here. Your different. Your going to feel alone because most people live life standing in the same single file line. Taking risks, making life changing decisions, and inventing is a task not every one is asked to do in this life. Thats why there are so few Bill Gates and pulitzer prize winners. You are not satisfied with life, because you are a entrepreneur.
Sparky,
At the age of 15 I became a practicing alcoholic and addict. I went to treatment twice and being from a small town everyone knew. I had few friends and felt very different so I isolated myself. I also have depression. Things were pretty rough.
Today I’m grateful I made it . I have 22 years of sobriety and as I’m typing this am lying next to my wonderful husband of 5 years. It really does get better! Don’t give up! All these responders care about you!
I know what its like to feel alone. I know what its like to wish you were dead and not know you’ll actually go through with it. I know that you wish you could but you don’t bc you’re afraid what people might think if you did. You cut yourself to feel better, never being able to cry on a whim. To hide how you really feel. Not knowing why you feel this way you just do… I know all this bc I always feel like this I purged to make myself skinny hoping itd make me beautiful I still feel ugly. I smoke bc idk what else to do. All I can hope is that one day it’ll all someday get better. But I know how you feel bc I am that person too.
I can relate. I am almost 30 now, but when I was younger I felt the same way. I even stopped eating for five days straight when I was 19 just to see if someone would notice, no one did. Professional help was a joke. It took me looking at myself very hard to find the good. I will tell you I found my creativity. From the way your words flow I would say you might be a good writer. It took me years to realize my parents were more screwed up than me and my friends in my life were worthless. Find someone or something that helps you feel good about who you are. And just a side note, humans are social creatures and thrive on companionship so try to find someone to hug. It will help with the sadness Im sure you are feeling.
Sparky, from your first line i knew you had Aspergers. My brother has it, as does one of my friends. They both have much the same story as you. One thing i have noticed is that they are both incredibly talented at one thing. It’s something that makes them happy, and they don’t even realise how skilled they are.Is there something that you really enjoy?
To manage aspergers, you need to let people around you know that you can’t empathise with their feelings. They need to tell you, so you can react logically. When they tell you something has made them angry or happy or sad or confused, you have to listen and learn and remember for next time. It’s the only way to manage the social side of aspergers.
Good luck Sparky.
Take a few personality tests online. It helped me understand myself.
You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. I’m a 16 year old girl, and I’ve been depressed on and off for 6 years. No one knows. I’ve thought of suicide, but I was always to scared. But I’m glad I was too afraid to kill myself. I believe that I was put through all of that because there was someone that I would be able to help. One day I would love to work for To Write Love On Her Arms. I would reccomend checking out their website (www.twloha.com) and read about them. You are living your life where you are for a reason. Don’t give up. <3
You are not worthless like you say you are! You are of value! Just because you may not feel like you are now does not mean its true. Right now you aren’t in your right mind. Your head is clouded with thought of depression and you can’t escape. Please talk to someone about the way you are feeling. There is help available and you can live a great life. Suicide is not the answer!
i felt just like you and i looked around and found the following site: http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx
and i sent them a email.
the reply wasnt saying much but knowing that someone is out their and cares about you ,talking about it and time made me much haper and changed my outlook comleatly
You should keep living because it is important to understand what life is about!
I went through a long period of feeling exactly how you say you feel. You have to carry on in order to realise what your struggle was for. I have found happiness despite the years of pain I endured. I know what it’s like to feel like a social recluse and for people to have no time for you. If you’re going to live for anything – live to prove people the **** wrong. The way you worded your confession was so articulate, you genuinely seem like such a warm, caring, insightful person. Others should be honoured to be in your presence. I’m sending positive thoughts out to you and hoping you stay strong for yourself. I know you can pull through :)
The Axiom of Subjectivity: The world is actually a horrible place, and every person is actually a terrible creature.
As you can tell from the above axiom, subjectivity is useless. Everything sucks, everyone is a scumbag only interested in entertaining themselves, and the world is overall a quite terrifying and painful place. It is up to you to either:
1. get over it
2. wallow in sorrow and self-pity
3. be ignorant and pretend that everything is awesome.
There aren’t really any other options. Option 3 is the most popular, option 2 isn’t particularly enjoyable, and option 1 leads to rational, meaningful, contented lives and relationships.
What other people think about you (parents, teachers, employers, etc) is fleeting, inherently inaccurate and massively irrelevant to what you think about yourself.
What I find works best is to assume that everyone hates you and has no confidence in you, thinks you’re socially retarded, would have no moral qualms kicking you in the face if you tripped, etc, and being a polite and amicable person anyways; when you find someone that doesn’t fit the mold, you will be mutually pleasantly surprised.
Hey man i don’t know what to say to make u change Ur mind or make u feel better .But I strongly belive that your an amazing person and I know Ur full of potential and if u made it instead of all those millions of sperm it all ready makes u a chanpion! ..look man I don’t known what Ur goin through but U just gotta keep fighting and pushing like when u were a sperm lol and I’m sure u will beat the odds again.. good luck buddy and just remember that Ur alive n u have the potential to change Ur life and everybodys around u.. good loves u and he already has a plan for u.. seek him man. Trust the lord with all Ur hart acknowledge him in all Ur ways and he shall direct Ur path! .. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! .. I hope this scriptures helps u like they help me on a fault basis.. take care buddy and don’t give up on me man.
Oh, my dear if you only knew! You’re just a kid! You’re life hasn’t even started yet. We ALL feel confused and alone and awkward at 17. It’s just how we grow and develop into somewhat confident adults. And make no mistake about it; you will develop, you will continue to grow; you’ll meet new and fascinating people, you’ll visit knew places and when you look back at you’re 17 year old self, you won’t even recognize that awkward, self-conscious boy anymore. Just give yourself time to actually live. Trust me, you are just getting started! Set some goals, short and long-term, go out, volunteer, get your mind off of your problems and go help someone else solve theirs. You’ll be amazed how your own problems will somehow get solved as well. There’s is so much life in you that still needs to be experienced; don’t give up so early in the game.
Dear Sparky,
Everyone deserves a hug! If i knew you i would give u a friendly hug and be your friend, as you are worth it, your parents would be wrong to think you are not.
Seek therapy, i did and that got me out of my depression. I had stopped smiling, laughing and feeling anything positive, then it changed my life, as well as travel. I’m still traveling and it’s the best thing I could ever do.
Remember, our friends (in time we make them) are our family, and if relationships improve with family well that’s a bonus. Concentrate on yourself first, and take some time to discover what you like. Just telling someone how we are feeling makes a big difference to us.
Hi Sparky (that’s actually my dog’s name!). I’m so happy I was able to make you feel a bit better. If we ever do run into each other I promise to give you a big hug!
There is so much still to come in your life. I’m confident you’ll meet your soul mate and be able to connect with her (assuming you’re straight) in a way you never thought possible. My love may seem cold and unemotional to other people and he admits that he isn’t as affected by emotions as others. But with me he is completely different. I know he loves me more than anyone else ever has or will and he makes me feel like the centre of the universe. You can do that for someone one day. Although you are very young now, you might even meet her soon.
But you don’t NEED a woman to be happy. You seem wonderful as you are and although I know girls like the shy mysterious type, especially as you get older, don’t feel like you need to jump into a relationship with someone you don’t really want to be with. Only the best will do!
As for a career, you couldn’t have been born at a better time! Lots of employers are now actively looking for people with conditions like Aspergers (google Specialisterne for an example), because you guys have incredible talents the rest of us don’t. It’s especially handy if you are interested in the computer industry, but plenty of other careers are open to you too. Einstein, Charles Darwin, Isaac Newton and Jane Austin are all believed to have had Aspergers, so you’re in good company!
Please stay optimistic. I genuinely care what happens to you. You remind me so much of my love when we first met. You even write like him! There is a wonderful life waiting for you. Don’t spend it wishing you were someone else. That’s a waste of the great person you already are!
Hi Sparky. I know you’ve been talking to Lady J and she’s told you about her partner, well I am he. First off let me say that you may feel like the most isolated person in the world but trust me you are not alone. Next let me say a huge well done for finishing school, I left when I was 14 and it’s something that has stayed on my mind for a long time.
I see that you have a problem with the fact you don’t feel things like other people do, I am exactly the same. For example I was in the hospital room of my Grandma when she passed away surrounded by her family. Everyone else was crying and hugging each other and if I’m honest my only thought was ‘Does this mean I have to switch my DS off because I haven’t found a save point yet’. Now people will call me heartless but I just didn’t feel anything, what happened was just life taking it’s natural course. Personally I felt a little happy that my G’ma was now at peace and not suffering anymore.
Anyway my main reason for posting here is to tell you it does get better. I never imagined I would find anyone let alone be in a relationship for nearly 13 years. I never had a kiss or even a girlfriend (or any friend for that matter) until I met my partner when I was 20. There is someone out there for you and you may find them in the strangest of places. I met my partner in a car that was taking us to church on Christmas Day, thins is neither of us is even slightly religious I was only there as a favour to my mother.
My best piece of advice is simple. You say that you are different, you are. Now different doesn’t mean bad or strange or any other negative term. To me different means unique, special and even better. People like us include Einstein and Bill Gates people who change the world. There are even companies out there that specifically hire people like us because we do better and faster work. Embrace who you are and don’t let people hammer you down because you are a very precious person.
That’s my angel!
I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through; it is the worst thing a person can do to another, but I do feel similiar: empty, worthless, a waste of space, a baggage, and I do wish I was never born. You feel diffrent and isolated from others, but that’s ok: if people won’t treat you like you’re human then they’re the f****d up kids, not you.
There is no normal in this world, all of us are diffrent and special in our own way: there is no person who’s personality is identical to the other, which is why each person is diffrent than the other. I’m diagonized with SPD so I don’t really like humans in general, and I rarely show emotion, but I learnt to hide it because the society I live in makes it hard to be a hermit, but the point is, whether we like it or not, life goes on with or without us, so we have to move on, even if it means carrying our pain by ourself, because one day if we continue to live, life we’ll get better. If you say that everyday before you sleep, it will make you feel better of yourself; I know it cheers me up a bit. I give you a virtual hug, and bid thee farewell.
Hey, the best thing that I can think of to tell you is, find out your own reason. I don’t mean it in a rude way before you think that. I mean it as in you have to go out and find the things that scare you and do them. It’s what I plan to do now I’m free from my dark childhood. I want to volunteer in countries I’ve never been in, kiss strangers, get lost in countries where I don’t know the language. See the 7 wonders of the world. There’s so many posibilities to explore. You may lack the motivation, it doesn’t make you worthless. It makes you like every other person on this planet, not to mention all the other people who are awkward or don’t fit into society, you propbably fit in more than you think. You just have to find the right people, they’re out there trust me. Think of it in a doctor who way. You are not alone :)