i desperately wish i could die.

I’m a new mum….lost my first child in my divorce….I love both my children but regret them. My boyfriend treats me like shit but I’m afraid to leave him and be alone so I stay. I have really low self esteem….no I hate myself. Had a shitty childhood, was molested by my moms catholic priest but never told n e one. I resorted to alcohol and drugs through my teen years and although I was placed in a rehab I gave up drugs but still drink. I try…but nothing seems to change. I want to give up….unfortunately I’m too much of a coward to end it myself.

6 thoughts on “i desperately wish i could die.

  1. Seek professional help. I do and it works miracles! I was also molested numerous times, so I understand that desperate feeling. Good luck

  2. Love yourself. Give yourself some forgiveness and grace. Find Jesus and not at a Catholic church. I’m not against Catholics, but it will open up your wounds. Sometimes evil people hide behind the veil of the church (in every denomination), but fortunately Jesus can heal your wounds if you allow him to. Jesus will never hurt you. Seek counseling from a reputable therapist and some medication from your doctor to help you through this tough time. Be kind to yourself. You are worth it.

  3. It’s ok to feel the way you do because those are your feelings. In retrospect whether your more or less fortunate to others it doesn’t take the pain, doesn’t diminish the ache nor does it fix anything. Granted, the first step is to recognize the issue which you have, learning to love what you don’t like and self loathe never helps in a positive way but if you start little by little like for instance compliment a physical attribute you possess or anything else your proud of like surviving molestation and attempting to live life is a positive action.

  4. Lets make it simple…learn to love yourself…if this is hard for you then reflect on this…there are so many people around you or in different countries who are in more deep shit (even children)than you. after reflecting it, I guess you could say that you are more fortunate compared to them. Those children who are suffering more (compared to you) is learning to survive…hoping that their lives would be get better. I don’t want to sound like a preacher but these are real facts. Reflect on it…then say I love myself and very fortunate…

  5. Sounds to me like you have a bout of depression or perhaps post-natal depression? How old is your child? Those issues can be tackled with the help of a competent physician. The other, deep-rooted, issues related to childhood trauma really need to be discussed in a safe environment with an experienced mental health professional. You have already made some progress by giving up drugs. Your self-esteem will improve and alcohol use lessen as you start to get rid of some of the pain you’ve been holding onto since childhood. Maybe then you’ll have the strength to make the right decision about your boy friend.
    I wish you all the best.

  6. Dear lost soul. The hardest part is knowing and believing that you are the one who will be able to make the change. Eventually it comes down to your choice, but it is not always easy to know what to change or to have the courage commit until your are through it. The fact that you posted this message is an indication that you want things to be better and they will be. I really think you should look for help and if I can offer one bit of advice it is this, one step at a time. We wish you all the best.

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