I barely feel human…
Posted by Sparky in Alone on May 8th, 2011 | 63 commentsHi. My name’s Sparky for the purpose of anonimity but for that feeling of conectedness as well. Please bear with my story and if you can just comment a suggestion or even a friendly word would be nice.
I’m a 17 year old boy and I’ve never had a friend. That’s right. Not one, my whole life. My parents throughout my whole childhood kept trying to make friends for me but I soon realised it was a hopeless effort on their part. They gave up eventually too.
I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome when I was 3. My parents didn’t tell me til I was 13. I was mercilessly bullied in secondary school and eventually developed multiple personality disorders as a result.
I feel totally unlikeable and I have been on my own all my life. I just want someone to tell me they care, to include me in something, to talk to me.
I’ve reached a point where I can no longer muster the courage to talk to people my own age, and I’m too shy to even stand up for myself. I feel so worthless right now.
I wait every day hoping someone will come and say hello.
I barely feel human. Just needed to get this out of my system. If anyone reads this, then thankyou for your time and the fact that you care enough to read this.
63 Responses to “ “I barely feel human…”
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Hello beautiful soul. I have been searching my whole life for someone that has gone through what I have gone through. After reading your post, I was amazed. It’s like we have lived the same life – only difference, is I am 23.
I know the pain of seeing other people together; seeing groups of people go out. It damages every ounce of your soul. I want you to know that I am your friend. We may never meet, or talk, but I am with you and others like us, in spirit.
I love you friend. Always.
Hi, Bradley. Thanks for what you wrote me. It makes me feel better in the respect I’m not alone, but at the same time if you are like me then I deeply sympathise your pain, and I sincerely hope things have either gotten better for you or will do soon. If things do change for the better let me know because it will mean there is hope for me too. Thanks again friend.
Hello. My name is Lydia, and I am 14. No, I am not your age, but I am a kid genius. Literally. But I’m not here to talk about that. I don’t know if you even check for comments on this site anymore, but I figured you would like to stumble across it one day. My boyfriend was abused and has multiple personalities. He is a half year younger than I am and has a calm side. The other is terribly violent. I understand. Let me tell you that just the thought of you trying to touch another person’s mind touches my heart, no matter where you are. I have problems talking to kids my age because they seem intimidated by me, because I have been told that I am 27, mentally. So I understand about feeling disconnected and betrayed. I know it is hard right now, but I have a friend. He is 32 and in a wheelchair, when he fell from a thirty foot latter, landing on his neck. He told me that his accident has made him cherish every breath and every day. He used to wake up in the mornings, dreading the trials of the day, but do what he says when he tells me that if you have nothing in your life to look forward to, then make one. Cherish every moment of your life, Sparky. Love and be loved. And know that you have a friend with me. Always.
Hello Lydia. It means a lot that you would disclose your name to me, I would be far less willing to do so. Thankyou for trusting me and thankyou for your story. I understand what it feels like to be disconnected from humanity, but at the same time, I can’t begin to imagine what you are currently enduring. For a start, I’ve never been very smart, but also, I’ve never had a girlfriend or for that matter even just a friend. I lead a very isolated existance, but it makes me feel less lonely when people like you take the courage to reach out to me, and to share personal parts of their lives with me. Over time, my more bitter, irrational side has started to dominate. I’ts only a matter of time before I do something I regret. I have almost completely lost the ability to feel love, and therefore am unlikely to ever receive love from another, but before I succumb to my misery, I want you to know that you have made me feel something true, and good, which is more than I have felt in what seems like a lifetime. I don’t know how to thank you, but just know that you have helped me through a difficult time with your story, and I will never forget what you have said. Thank you Lydia.
i understand where you’re coming from. i was bullied in elementary and it still goes on even when i’m in highschool. i feel exactly the same way because i’ve found out that there is no one i can genuinely relate to. they’ve all changed and become part of the majority of ignorant, narcissistic idealistic people. my unsupporting father with extremely high expectations doesn’t help anyway. so far, i’ve been relying on my imagination to feel wanted and i feel like a freak for saying that. it’s the only thing that’s keeping me alive at the moment. nothing means anything to me anymore.
i recommend you go visit a counsellor, even if can’t really say so myself (i haven’t the heart to go there anymore) it genuinely helps sort out your feelings.
take care
Frankie, I took your advise about the counselling and I have to say it is helping. I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. It’s really strange the way you describe your experiences, they sound so similar to my own. It’s true, in college I feel like a freak, I’ve used those exact words to describe myself for years now. And I’m sorry nothing means anything to you anymore. If it helps, I sometimes feel like that too. And it hurts so much. Just know this, you’re not a freak and you’re not alone. You’ve talked me out of my suicidal feelings because for so long I thought I was the only one.
Keep fighting for me, Frankie, and I’ll keep fighting for you. Thankyou again.
i’m so glad i could help! it makes me feel that bit warmer inside considering i’ve found someone in the same situation and that i’ve made a difference to someone’s life.
thanks for thinking about me, and so far i’m beginning to contemplate if i have a bipolar disorder. i go in and out of depression so easily, sometimes starting a day depressed and ending it happy before falling back into self-loathing. the intervals of depression can be hours, days or weeks, so that’s basically what’s getting me down, despite being a very critical person in the first place.
it’s a good thing you told someone about your feelings, or else they’ll keep on burning and you won’t get help that way.
and Sparky, take care once again! you make my life that bit worth living!
Hey, this will pass, stay strong!!!
lots of love xxx
Hi Anon. I’m guessing you didn’t just come across this website to cheer me up. But cheer me up you did, and may your problems however big or small be shortlived. Thanks for your words of kindness, I don’t often receive encouragement or support. Stay strong yourself and I hope wherever you are, you somedy expirience the happiness you gave to me.
My partner had a life very similar to yours, but he wasn’t diagnosed until he was in his 20s.
We now have a great life together and he is very happy.
Have you considered maybe joining a forum for people with Aspergers or similar? You might make some online friends who understand what you’re going through.
It will get better, I promise.
I’m glad you and your partner are having a good life. As for forums I’ve only just started with computing, this website is still quite advanced for me, but maybe soon. Thanks for the tip. I’ve never actually had a girlfriend before, but people like you keep my hope alive. Thanks for caring.
i swear the best thing for you is to go to college. somewhere far from home. start fresh and clean. kids there are friendlier and you will find people to make best friends wiith. trust me, this is the most practical advice you will get, no some bs calling you beautiful soul from some stranger.
I go to college. I decided to go with the express reason of making a new start. It hasn’t gone swimmingly but I’m working on it. I’ve got U’s in all my AS’s and I’ve had to quit biology to keep going but I’m keeping it positive. Thanks for the advice.
Go to church, you can always find friends at cruch brother. If you could have that one wonderful person sit down next to you, grab your hand and say…. ” I know you feel too weak to get up and move forward down this path, because its a long road, i want to do it with you, i understand and im willing to love you and help you everyday” and those people are angels and they are here for you and me. Just close your eyes when your filling bad and ask for their touch and help, you will physically feel it my friend and that weight will fall from your chest. But your not dead so your a strong guy because these feelings can knock just about anyone off their feet. Good look brother hope to run into you someplace and some random time share a smile and move through our lives!
Thankyou for the advice. I’m in a bit of a catch 22 right now where God is concerned but I know I can work things out for myself, believer or not. I will make it in this world and I have people like you to thank for it.
Hello there,
I have a great friend with asperger’s. He’s smart, and funny, and kind. I’m sure you are too. Hang in there kid, and if you need a pick me up check out Dan Savage’s It Get’s Better Project. Originally geared toward LGBTQ kids, it really has a good message for anyone.
Be strong, and love who you are
Thanks for the advice M. I’ll grab a copy of It gets Better Project when I can. I’m glad your friend’s doing so well.
Things change as you get older, be patient with life, everything comes at it’s own time, friends, love, money, when it’s right it’s right,
Lots of love
Thankyou for the support. Although you have no idea how many times my parents have told me that. I hope you’re right.
I wish I could give you a hug!
I wish I could receive it. Thanks!
Ohhh my god Have aspergers to. I feel stared at and ridiculed. I feel for you.
Feel the same way all the time. Good luck with keeping it together.
I’m raising a toast right now to you, Sparky!
Thankyou. It really means a lot to me that you care that much.
As you get older it does get easier. When u get out into the world don’t be afraid to to talk to people and make an effort. as people get older they get open minded. Go to places that interest u i.e a coffee shop, park, or a record store and talk to the people there. u’ll share a common interest. u’ll be around people who in a small way r like u. don’t give up.
I am in conststant fear of my peers because despite my best efforts, I just can’t relate to them. But if you say there is hope I believe you. Thankyou for your advice.
Hey Sparky! I’m a 29 yr old female – loved reading your post – you sound like an amazing person!!! I grew up with really no friends either – i’m a shy person and just could never relate to anyone long enough to become close with. I don’t have aspergers so i can’t begin to understand the struggles you are going through with that but just know that you sound like a really good hearted person – i would have loved to have known someone like you… someone would be honored to have you in your life!!!
I believe you can understand. It sounds like you’ve been through a pretty similar experience to mine. It makes me happy to know you would have liked to have known me, it also makes me kind of sad (I wish I could have known someone like you.) Thanks for the support.
I have never been diagnosed but you just described my life.
Remember you are not alone. You are not forgotten. You aren’t unlikeable. And you certainly aren’t worthless.
I agree with those who advised you to go to college and get involved in things that interest you. I’ll never be a social butterfly, but I’ve managed to make some friends at college, work and through various clubs.
Good luck to you!
Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it but I didn’t mention in the confession I already go to college. I’ve almost finished my first year. I’ll be honest, it’s not going great. I’m failing my AS’s and I still haven’t met anyone who cares enough to include me. But I’ll keep going, knowing that there are people like you saying I can. Thanks again!
Though I’m not in the exact same position as you, I’m close to it. I’m also 17 and from the age 11-15 I barely had any “real” friends at all even though no one ever bullied me. I just felt like I didn’t fit in. I changed a LOT when I became 15-16 years old but it still wasn’t enough as my old class saw me for who I was before. Now I’ve managed to get one really good friend and a couple of more “superficial friends” if you know what I mean. The key is to:
1. A fresh start. Scientific studies shows that it doesn’t take more than (if I remember correctly) a couple of seconds ’til a person has formed his opinion about you and then it’s difficult to change it.
2. Understand human behaviour and psychology. Try to see the patterns why people choose to be with other people.
3. Be more like others. That will make you fit in better.
4. Be more like yourself. It may sound contradicting to number three but the key is to find a good balance and see what you have in common with other people and how you can approach them.
It WILL get better, you just need a little more time. Try not to think too much about the life you could have and appreciate the one you have instead. Find things you like to do; life isn’t just about friends. For me, movies, tv shows, the internet and long cycling trips have worked great. Be glad that you are one of the 6.5 billion people on this amazing planet and get to see a small part of the progress and evolution of humanity. Belive me, I’m always amazed by that.
Thankyou for the advice. I already blew my new start at college, but next time, thanks to you I might be ready. I hope things get better for you, because I know how painful it is not fitting in. I feel a tight ball in my chest every time I see people smiling or having fun without me. But so many people have told me it can be better. I believe them. And that means there is even more hope for you.
Hang in there, brother. Life is tough right now for you, I completely understand. Just realize that in the end, it will get better. It will. Stay strong.
Thankyou for caring. It means a lot to me at this moment. You’ve made me feel a bit better.
i just want you to know that i care.
Thankyou. You don’t know how much that means right now.
hi i dont know much about aspergers or you but i would like to. your post really touched me and i would like to be your friend if you want.
I know I’ll never get to see you, but knowing you offer your friendship to me… its such a deliriously emotional concept. Know that you have made me feel better about living, because this proves somewhere out there, there are more people like you, who won’t discriminate against me for who I am. Thank you so much.
You sound pretty sweet to me ;)
I’ve seen just how bad people can be to anyone with some sort of “disorder” since my dad has taught special ed my whole life, and I grew up with his kids. I’ve seen that sometimes the problem is intimidation. Not everyone can appreciate the differences in others.
Thank you for not assuming the worst about me. A lot of people treat me like some kind of psychopath just because I’m different. And perhaps you’re right. Maybe I put people off without knowing. I find the concept of socialising such a complex thing. But I shouldn’t give up. If anything this should motivate me more into understanding. I find it so difficult to motivate myself to do anything at the moment, but so many people have shown that they care, it’s just incredible. Thankyou for your comment.
Sparky even thought you might not think it your self your a very strong person yourv kept on fighting to make freainds,to beat your aspergers heck to live.
The world needs more people like you sparky people who arnt afraid to give up. Hang in there you desserve to be happy and it will come your way :)
I guniunly hope you find a good freaind.
You can’t begin to imagine how much this means to me. Thankyou Chase.
dearest sparky,
i came across your thing by total accident, misspelling i think.
your story really made me upset.
i have a brother who has aspergers, he like u finds it quite hard to make friends, and that he feels so alone.
i will never forget this one thing my brother told me…Autism is not something I have.It is part of who I am…i see our world differently,but yet im left out of it…..
Life is tough right now for you, I completely understand….
go to places that u may like, join club that may intrest u….like drama,chess,choir….
you never know…..there is a friend out there for all….even if its just over the internet (:
Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.
xxxxxxxx
The way your brother describes the world is almost exactly how I feel. I’ve always had problems finding the right words to descibe my feelings and articulate my thoughts. But what your brother said feels so true for me as well. I feel like an onlooker to everyone elses life. I find myslef listening to my peers conversations and it’s almost like I forget that I exist, at least until their conversation ends. I still feel like I’m looking through a window at everything thats happening. No one can get close to me. I feel so separated.
Thankyou for your support and story. I won’t forget it.
sparkey…i do think you need to go see someone and talk through all these feelings…
have u ever tried to make friends online? kids in your area use the internet all the time and most networking sites will bring u on to people u may know but cant really talk to….this is where magic of internet comes in… i see its easy for u to talk on this….sooo maybe make friends first here and then you never know….
plus look at the amout of people who want to talk to u here…and if u make up something like facebook id say everyone will add u from here…..
friends from all around the world….
oh and my brother told me to tell you hello…and to keep strong and hang on in there….
to the world u are one person but to one person u are the world….
stay in touch sparkey….
i would love to hear more about you (:
xxxx
Hi Sparky. From my experience, adult life is very different from college and childhood years. So in several years everything around you will change a lot.
I am sure there is something you are good at and enjoy doing. Just concentrate on it. You will meet likeminded people on the way. And if you can potentially make a living out of it, even better.
My parents and teachers tell me the same thing. But the truth is, I don’t have any real interests and I can’t find the thing I enjoy doing. I feel so empty all the time. But Thankyou for your advice. I appreciate the fact that you’ve dedicated your time to showing me you care enough to help. That in itself makes me feel a bit better.
I’d just like to say that you sound like a truly lovely person, and you will overcome.
I wish I knew you.
The very fact that you are on this website suggests you may have problems as well, and if you do I hope that they are as shortlived as possible. Thankyou for your kind words and for not assuming the worst about me like people have done in the past. I wish I knew you too.
Oh Sparky, don’t worry so much about other people caring about you. Care about yourself and the rest will follow.
Being ‘alone’ is hard, being ‘on your own’ is easier. Sometimes it is just how you frame it. If you can get to like yourself more, others will see that in you.
I’m not saying this from some pedestal on high either, I’ve had a lot of similar issues.
Hope things get better for you.
But I do worry. I want the human expirience. I want to lead an ordinary life like everyone else. Instead I have the trauma of 5 years of isolation and bullying. I can’t talk to people my own age for the fear that they will snap at me or reject me. I’ve suppressed all that anger and rejection for years. I’ve never once hit anyone or gotten into a fight at school and I barely raise my voice when I do feel angry. It’s only a matter of time before I do something I’ll regret. If you know how this feels, tell me how you cope with it, please.
Perhaps start by reaching out to others that have asperger’s, they can relate to you better than a ‘peer’ group that hasn’t had the same experience growing up. There are support forums like http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums.html and http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/Forums.aspx
I’m not quite sure what ‘something I’ll regret’ means, but hurting yourself or others won’t get you the community and acceptance that you long for. Just the fact that your getting such compassionate responses here shows that there are people out there who aren’t like the bullies you’ve met so far.
And the human experience is unique for every human. Yours is no less valid than anyone elses. I think you should seek out people who are predisposed to understand you, like others with asperger’s. Or, if you have particular interests, you may be able to find people who share those interests and can begin to get to know them based on your commonalities. Or, use a site like VolunteerMatch to find a community organization to volunteer for where you will meet people who are already probably a bit nicer than the norm just by virtue of the fact that they give their time to others.
It isn’t hopeless, it is hard.
Sparky, just checking in to tell you I’m thinking about you! Stay strong.
Thanks, its great that you care that much. It keeps me going, especially in times like these, to know that there are good people out there.
Hi Sparky,
I just wanted to write and say hello. If you were here right now, I’d give you a big hug.
It’s tough being lonely. But, you’re not alone in you loneliness. Thank goodness for the internet, eh? ;)
XoXo
Hi Sparky-
I got chills when I stumbled on your post and my heart was softened. My 21-year-old sister has been struggling with Asperger’s syndrome since she was younger, and I wanted to encourage you and let you know that this will pass. My sister has been through hell with this, but with the help of counseling and will, she’s begun to make something beautiful of her life. Please keep in mind that this problem does not define you and that you have a beautiful and incredible life ahead of you.
God bless you always,
Melissa
is this real
i feel speechless, but i have to type something
i started reading the first few replies and
out of pain or rush of excitement
i cried
taking in what i perceive as intense honesty of dialogue..
i am amazed and sad, but most of all so excited to see the understanding and acceptance and this side of people.
you people deserve so much love for yourselves and from others.
dude, you are so human. so real.
Hey, i’ll be here if you need to talk.
:)
Be strong.
Hello Sparky,
As you may have understood my true name is not Mara, but I believe that is irrelevant. I found your story purely randomly and I can’t even express in words how much it touched me (I’m sure that even if English was my native language I wouldn’t be able to tell you the emotional impact it had on me) I noticed that most of the people who commented to your post have had the same life/ story. I wanted you to know that I am not one of these people. I’m a 19 year old girl, very outgoing, with a vivid social life and with a wide group of friends. What you have gone (and maybe, alas, still are) through never affected me, not in any age…and know I understand how superficial people can sometimes be. I see now how most of my “friends” are nothing as humans compared to you and others like you and I am telling you from the bottom of my heart I’d give up in this instant this “dazzling” social life I have just to be your friend.
Love
Just close your eyes, think of all your problems, and then say ‘**** it’,otherwise they will sit on your head, feel more positive about yourself.
You have a beautiful soul, that’s the best thing 1 can achieve in life more than anything else. And you will get friends, a loooooot of friends. Just be positive,the things around you will change if you change your thoughts
Lovely Sparky, I have very warm and understanding feelings for people like you. Just wanted to say I’m here too, and I would have been there for you face2face as well if I were there. You feel betrayed and left alone, but u see, I love humans with all my heart and I believe in them, so trust me, one day you’ll find someone that’s gonna link with you and you’re gonna hear that “click”. My mom teaches autistic children and I am a psychologist-to-be, so I kinda know what it’s like to be in your shoes. Just don’t give up, you are as pretty a human as anyone else and you deserve the best! Just give some time to others, cuz this world we live in is a weird one and people’s relationships are messed up.. So, everyday u wake up and see the sun, think about me and the other ppl here and take courage to go on with your life, which will eventually surprise u pleasantly..! luv luv luv C. <3