Gay and Scared
Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Dec 19th, 2010 | 27 commentsI consciously realised I was gay when I was seventeen and am now in my early twenties. It’s been awful as I have remained in the closet and have gone through some really dark spells where I just felt worthless and like I didn’t want to go on anymore. I still haven’t ‘come out’ to anyone but have managed to almost come to terms with it myself – which has been a very long process. Being a girl, (who wears ‘girly’ clothes and make up, has long wavy hair – in a sense looks very stereotypically heterosexual), I think makes it harder for me as, of course, everyone assumes you to be ‘normal’ – whatever that is. I’ve read so much online about the pride of the gay community but I don’t feel any pride; if I did I wouldn’t still be closeted. It’s so hard hearing everyone around me talk about gay people in an inferior way, especially those with strong religious values. I’ve read the most heartbreaking comments (mainly from people online) – the worst being the quote “aids is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”. I also read about a guy that got beaten to death for being gay yesterday. There really is nothing any gay hater could say on here that I haven’t already heard, so please don’t bother – you’re not spreading God’s love. I know society has improved so much but it’s still got so far to go and I just don’t feel strong enough to live as an openly gay person in this day. I am so scared every day – I have so much pressure placed on me, everyone thinks I’m the frigid ‘pure’ innocent one because I obviously never have boyfriends, all my friends and family are heterosexual…so basically I feel very frightened and alone. My confession is that I’m gay and I truly believe there’s nothing wrong with it. My fear is that I will never have the courage to come out and that I’m not strong enough to live in a society that refuses to tolerate me and infringes me of multiple civil rights. I can never be free.
27 Responses to “ “Gay and Scared”
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There’s nothing wrong with your sexuality. Do not be ashamed. You have to be true to yourself. If your family and friends cannot accept you for who you are, then they do not deserve to be a part of your life. Embrace your true self. Be proud of who you are. Don’t change for anyone. Don’t bow down to pressure and what your family wants for you. This is your life. You have the right to choose what you want and if someone can’t respect your choices then too bad. You can’t help who you are. You can’t change who you are. This is you. If your family and friends cannot accept you, then it’s their loss.
Thank you for your advice. Everything you said was right, I just love my family so much – we’re so close, they are everything to me. I do think I will come out soon but the thought of them thinking differently of me kills me. Hopefully I’ll have the strengh. Thank you again xx
Hey,
I’m 19 and I can relate. I’m gay and I’ve known since I was about 15, it’s been a long 4 years. I just told my mom last September and she took it really well. I’m also out to most of my friends, I was worried about them thinking about/treating me differently but they were all totally cool with it (I was actually shocked that they were so cool with it, I mean I knew they were accepting but when I told them I like guys it was like I told them my favorite color was blue instead of orange.)I met a great guy through another guy online a little over two years ago, I met him in person about a year and three months ago. He loved me from the start and he has been really supportive, I couldn’t ask for more. But for 9+ months after I met him I kept saying I didn’t have feelings for him, but in retrospect, I did have feelings for him, I just felt too scared to tell him or to see where it would go. We live an hour and a half apart when we’re both home, and we’re about 4 hours away when we’re at school, but just the same, we’re making it work. He is amazing and I love him more than words can say. But here’s the kicker, I’m still not out to my dad. I’ve been making excuses and lying about how I met him and being very vague when he asks questions. I know I need to come out to him, I know my family loves me and that he is ok with gay people, but I just keep avoiding it. I feel like I will be less of a son and that I’m not supposed to be gay, like fathers aren’t supposed to have gay sons. I feel like after I tell him I won’t be able to look him in the eye again. The ultimate irony is that I’m lying now and I have no problem looking him in the eye but I don’t think I’ll be able to once I’m actually honest. My boyfriend is really understanding and encourages me but never pressures me to do anything, I feel so horrible about it. When we’re together in public I don’t hold his hand or put my arm around him, let alone do anything like give him a peck on the cheek because I’m so concerned about what people will think or (God forbid) someone I know will see me and find out. I hate how paranoid I am, I hate that I’m so scared and ashamed, I hate all of it. I love him so much but my fear always overrides it. When we’re alone or just hanging out at his house, I just feel so good, I love him and he loves me, I can feel it. When we cuddle or kiss or anything like that, it just feels so right, he’s such an amazing guy, I love him so much but I’m too afraid to show it. I know what you mean about appearing hetero and not having gay pride, I feel the exact same way, I’m pretty straight acting and even though I’m gay I really don’t have any of the pride that seems to flow freely from other openly gay people. I guess what I’m saying is, being gay isn’t easy, but I never thought I’d actually come out to either of my parents, and I finally told my mom, now I just need to tell my dad and the rest of my family. It might take time, but you’ll do it eventually. The important part is that you’ve realized you’re gay, some people don’t even realize it until they are 40, 50, 60, or even older. We’re young and we’re working through it, we’re gonna be ok. Being gay doesn’t mean waving a rainbow flag and marching in pride parades, it just means you have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend and I have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. Don’t be afraid of yourself, just take your time and ease into it. I’m slowly trying to come out and get used to it because I want to stop stressing about it and constantly worrying about it. On top of that, I feel so bad because my boyfriend is so accepting and I feel like I’m taking advantage of him. I know it has to hurt him, but I also know that he loves me too much to say anything. Benjii, if you’re reading this, I love you so much and you’re nothing short of amazing. I know I don’t say it enough and I hardly ever show it when anyone’s around, but I love you more than words can express and I can’t wait to see you again. I’m so glad you’ve my boyfriend :)
I agree with Saved. You are who you are and no one can change that. There is nothing wrong with you and in time when you are ready to come out the people who truly care about you will understand and the ones that don’t understand don’t matter. I am a Christian and I come from a Christian family. I am not gay however I do have friends that are and family members also. I can tell you from experiences in the past that yes, it is hard when you make the decision to come out to family and friends, however most of them will understand and will still love you no matter what. I strongly suggest that you join a group and find friends that are in the same situation as you. That has helped everyone that I know in your situation. I hope everything works out for you and NEVER be ashamed of who you are. God loves you no matter what!!
Thank you so much for saying that – all I have ever read is that God hates me. Ironically through this whole situation I feel I have become more religious. I literally pray all the time & feel closer to God than ever – I know most Christians will oppose that but it’s the truth. It would be great to meet some people like myself just so I can have someone to talk to about it…hopefully things will change soon. Thank you again xx
Do you live in the south? Because I live in Salt Lake and nobody here seems to care all that much. I know you’re scared, but maybe the problem THEY have with gays isn’t YOUR problem. And if they try to make it a problem for you… They’re not your friends.
I live in England – it’s too small a country to find much difference when moving location! Thank you for your advice xx
The south especially Oklahoma is more accepting of gays and lesbians than most Northern States. I do agree with Socialneeds however on the aspect that their problem is not your problem. You should never be ashamed of who you are no matter what other people may think. Are you worried about not being accepted by your friends and family or are you worried about being persecuted for being gay? Both of those are natural fears and should be addressed. No matter where you live there are people who are full of hate and they are the ones that are WRONG!!
Thank you – too many people are definitely full of hate; even I have been towards myself which only perpetuates the hate. A viscious circle! Xx
There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you – an individual’s sexuality should be a non-issue when it comes to others’ perception of them.
I realise this isn’t always the case. I know there are a bunch of limited and narrow-minded people out there. But you know what? There are also a lot of people for whom sexual preference genuinely doesn’t factor.
My best friend came out to me during college. I’d actually thought he was probably gay anyway, so it was no great surprise. He’d cultivated a group of gay friends through online social networking (he’d originally met them online and developed proper friendships in person) and.
By virtue of our relationship, I ended up joining his extended circle and making some of the closest friends I have today.
Coming from a pretty straight-laced background, this might seem untypical. My point is though, I think people think differently now.
I can only hope to speak on behalf of my own cohorts – Gen Y. I’d like to think we’re actually able to THINK for ourselves and not just accept traditional values as gospel.
I live in Sydney, Australia. In my circles (both professional and personal), homophobia is considered to be pretty pathetic. For me personally, it paints a poor picture of the way an individual thinks and rationalises – both intellectually and emotionally. I think this is the case for most of my friends.
Please know that there are a lot of people out there for whom sexual preference doesn’t factor.
xo
Thank you, that made me feel a lot better. I know there will always be people out there who will oppose me but I think that’s just something I’ve got to learn to deal with, day by day xx
I am in a committed relationship with a man. But I would love to have an additional relationship with a girly girl (he is totally cool with that). But I never seem to be able to find a woman who is feminine like me. Your description of yourself is beautiful. I know you will find someone who loves you for you and people who accept you.
Thanks…I think. Why would you want to stray from your boyfriend? I fear you have an idealised depiction of lesbians as they are shown in the media & pornography – that depiction is not real. If you’re straight then stay with your boyfriend, it seems to make more sense to me.
You are so much more free than you think!! Like me, you just have an intolerant family. If you need space and time away from that family, do it! Transfer jobs to a different town and be yourself.
Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. After almost two decades in an empty marriage, I came out at 40. I’m a 44 year old female. Aside from having two wonderful kids, I lived a miserable, lonely life. I basically waited until my parents died before I could come out.
Although I’m not in a relationship. I’m too busy getting my kids ready for adulthood. Everyone knows, including my kids, I’m not ashamed, I am in therapy. I beg you, PLEASE don’t be like me. Don’t hide any more. You deserve to be you. Gay people have fought for their rights and they have so many more than ever before. I attend a gay church and alot of cities have alot going on for people like “us”
I would be happy to talk to you further about this. You’re not alone- 15% of the population is gay.
Wow thank you for sharing your story & for the advice – it really has opened my eyes. I’m sorry to hear that you had to hide for so long, that must have been really tough. At least you have got children…that’s something I want but fear I will never have. I have been thinking a lot recently about coming out & am hoping I have the nerve to do it soon. I literally can’t sleep at night thinking about how I’m going to tell my family, it’s awful. It’s going to be a continual process as well – having to come out to numerous family members & friends. I know I’m gay & I’m so much more comfortable with it than I have ever been but I feel I still have a long way to go. I just need to assure myself that I’m strong enough to do this. Thank you again xx
You’re very welcome. I’ve talked to several people and read other people’s coming out stories. I’ve never really heard anyone say that it was a bad experience. Most people seem to feel relieved after it. I can personally tell you, I’ve never been happier!
But please make sure that you have some supportive people in your court too. It will help in the interim.
It sounds like you’re young so don’t worry too much about having kids yet. Just worry about getting your life in order first and things will fall into place for you.
You perceive there to be something wrong with it otherwise you would not have any fear of it.
Of course I do – from birth most people like me are bought up to perceive it as ‘wrong’ or ‘odd’. Imagine trying to think of something like that subjectively when you have been made to believe it’s not a ‘normal’ way to be. I understand what you’re saying – but my perception is so heavily influenced by my past & the society I live in. I guess I have to learn to be stronger!
I agree with those who have already posted their comments here. All of them are way so true my friend. I think the very reason why you have that fear yourself is that you just so much trying to please people around. You everyone to be happy but I guess forget that you deserve your own happiness! Yes, someone said you deserve happiness and its only who can give that to yourself!
You’re 100% right – it’s just really hard to take the right advice sometimes! I’m trying my best :) Thank you for your comment xx
hello, your fear is based on numerous false beliefs that have been handed down to you. You are simply believing your thoughts. You are probably believing that you need your family’s approval and acceptance in order for you to be happy, or even that you need them in your life to be happy. Perhaps you believe that you need them to support you, or that they should love you unconditionally. but you cannot even lovr yourself unconditionally, and I personally don’t know your family in order to ascertain whether they love you unconditionally, but if they do not love and accept themselves fully it is not possible for them to do so with anyone else. You cannot give more love or understanding than you have within you for yourself. I don’t know whether you can relate to what I am saying, and I certainly don’t expect you to simply accept it as fact. I think the answer for your fear is inquiry. If it’s freedom that you want, it canonly be had in your mind. There is no other freedom in this world. It all begins in the mind and manifests through the heart. If you are at al linterested in delving deeper and exploring the beliefs that cause your fear then check out http://www.thework.com or youtube/google byron katie or the work of byron katie. I was once in your boat, and I’m still sailing. I could never have even left the shore without this work. I think I see a safe harbor ahead for both of us. The only freedom we can have is the freedom of the mind. This fear you feel, as well as the conflict within you that appears to be between you and your family, it might be the best gift you have ever received in order to realize who you truly are, and set yourself free. Just remember you are loved very deeply, always, and you are always supported by this divine universe. You are never alone. You can have the life you have dreamed of, full of love. Whether this includes your family or not, is prob not up to you to decide. But you CAN choose to lead a happy, fulfilling life no matter what. You happiness is not dependant upon anything external to yourself. You and you alone hold the key. It’s buried somewhere underneath all those false beliefs. Everything you desire is within you. I love you.
I understand your fear, I always felt the same way myself. I am 20 now and I came out to my parents when I was 17. My mother got angry and told me that I had ruined her life and that I had destroyed my family. None of my relatives are gay and my parents were just angry and ashamed. She scared off my girlfriend who I loved very much and after this my sexuality was never spoken of again. This scared me so much about people finding out I am gay, but 95% of people I tell accept me and love me for who I am. Anyone who is your true friend will not care if you are gay, and believe me it feels so much better when others know.
I truely does suck not being able to come out. I too am still haven’t told any one im gay if it makes you happyer you guys are the first to tell. Its just that im sick and tired not having the guts to say it I’ve been so close but the words never want to come out my mouth. Although people do suspect and ask me if im gay I always say no. And although my parants and brothers are always saying in a jokingly way “oh its ok if your gay” im still scared”. One thing that hurts me the most is when my mom said I don’t care if your gay just never bring your boyfriend to meet the”FAMILY”. How is that suposed to make me feel happy when my family wont be together. ;( and she is also the closest person in my life I sometimes wish I could just stop being gay or wish I was never born. WOW sorry I kind of got carried away. I just want to wish you and me and all who are in this situation luck for what is to come in our future.
Much love and kisses stranger :)
If I could engage in a little psycho-babble, I’d say that your challenge is letting go of the self you wanted or hoped to be, because that’s not going to happen. You may have to let go of the desire that other people think of you as “normal” or “good” or whatever. You have to risk their anger or disappointment or criticism. Just know that their feelings are THEIR feelings, that’s THEIR baggage to deal with.
What a lot of people think of as “normal” is completely effed-up anyway. Being gay means you are in the minority, not abnormal. But, if you think about it, EVERYONE is in a sexual minority.
There are plenty of versions of the Bible that say bad things about homosexuality. The Bible also says not to eat cheeseburgers or wear cotton/poly fabrics or let witches live. Actually, I remember a Bible passage that says a man should not lay down with a man. The passage doesn’t say anything about men in other positions, and it doesn’t mention women at all, so it sounds to me like you’re off the hook….
http://www.thework.com
Funny reading this now – eight months later I came out and life is beyond good. Thank you for everyones advice & support on here & to anyone else reading this who is in the same position I was – life is far too short to live a lie – live life, COME OUT :)
im 20, and im bixesual, a couple of people know but not close friends or family, i do know how you feel, im scared too. what sucks? that i cant meet anyone , how can i meet someone if i cant fully come out right? i know its hard, but hopefully one day people stop being mean to gay people and just accept it. and i do feel alone because i feel fake. no one knows me if they did im affraid i wont have any ”friends”.. good luck xoxo