feeling pathetic is taking its toll on me

I feel like an utter failure at 30. I am happy that I’m teaching art. I feel like I’m doing a good thing with these little kids. They’re assholes but I love em. But I feel like a loser because its just a safe place for me that I’m accepting. I want to start a business facepainting. In my area there are only a handful of people that do it and I think I could find a niche because I’m a lot better at it than the folks I’ve seen do it. I’m like a raft on the river that just bobs along any which way the current takes me, I make no true choices for myself.

I feel like I am trapped by my parents. I love my parents intensely, but they’re very sick and very old, and I feel that if I’m not nearby, they’ll be screwed. I moved back home because I felt that that was the only way I could save them. I have no life here. But the guilt that I would feel if I left would crush me I think. They’re so so sick. I hate watching them get worse and worse but there’s nothing I can do. I know I’m watching them die and its gonna hurt so bad when it finally happens, I don’t know what I’ll do.

I still pine away for my first love. I think I’ve allowed him to ruin anybody else for me. He was a lousy boyfriend, yet he was the most amazing boyfriend. I feel like I’ll never find anyone that comes close to him. We talk often, and I’ve more or less told him how I still feel about him, and how I would dive in if he wanted to be with me again. Basically I made a fool of myself. He doesn’t ******* want me. He always ends the phone call. It’s so embarrassing. I can never end a phone call because I don’t want to stop talking to him. And instead of growing some balls and moving on, my heart leaps up into my throat everytime I hear the cell ring and see his name light up on my phone. My heart leaps into my throat. ******* ridiculous.
I’m really angry because I let him back in. When he moved away with that girl, I MADE him not exist anymore. I demanded that he not call me anymore and I refused to call him anymore. We both kept our ends of the deal. And after a couple of years, I felt better. I made him not exist anymore and I felt normal. Then one day he called. And I took the call.

Now that we talk, I even made up a lie that I’m currently in a relationship because I was afraid that he would know that I was still in love with him and unable to move on. ITS SO PATHETIC! So now, when he asks me a question about “Mike” I have to add on to the stupid lie that I started. “oh yeah…Mike and are gonna go downtown and visit the art galleries tonight” Somedays he’ll ask something about “Mike” and I’m like, “who?…oh yeah! mike!”

The worst is that I think that because I am the way that I am, I’ll never find another person to love me. I’m and awkward girl. I don’t know how to flirt, I don’t enjoy clubs or the typical places you meet guys. I can’t look in the mirror and actually say I feel attractive. I simply have days where I feel ok about my looks and days where I feel crappy about my looks. Once in a blue moon I feel pretty. I think I might be developing an overeating disorder. I will tell myself “this is ridiculous…I’m gonna start eating a little less” and my brain immediately seems to say “don’t you dare put any restraints on me…I’m gonna eat everything up in this motherf##ker” And thats exactly what I do.

So now I’m 30. I’m trapped in my dying parent’s home. I’m still desperately in love with a man that doesn’t love me back. I eat too much and I nickel and dime my paychecks away.

I want to handle these things better. I want to be loved.