Am I Good at Hiding, or Does No One See Anything Anyways?
Posted by My friends call me Doc. Friend or not, you can too. in Alone on Jan 31st, 2011 | 18 commentsI have considerable research on psychology and serial killers. I have noted psychopathic tendencies in myself. I have noted similarities between the childhood “checklist” of a serial killer, and my own youth.
I know the signs, so I know what to hide. I know how to hide them. I am well liked. I have many “friends”. People see me as sweet, quiet, deep, and intelligent. I am the last person turned to in suspicion for anything. I am no danger, but had things gone differently when I was younger, I might have become one. No one sees me for who I am. No one sees how close I am, mentally, to a psychopath or maybe a serial killer. I fit into any situation, and portray the persona I need to. No one seems to see beyond it. No one sees me.
Why am I posting this? I want someone besides myself to know, but am far from stupid enough to actually associate this with myself. Why? Maybe I’m proud of being able to uphold a facade. Maybe not. Maybe I am curious as to how people would react to the real me, but again, am not stupid enough to reveal it and risk repercussions just to satisfy curiosity. I am not quite sure why. I just have a mild inclination to share this.
18 Responses to “ “Am I Good at Hiding, or Does No One See Anything Anyways?”
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I wouldn’t be surprised if you WERE a psychopath. Not psychotic, but psychopathic. And not even like the psychopaths you see in jail or whatever who get themselves caught, but rather a dangerous, smart one who can avoid trouble. You seem callous enough to be one, and manipulative, and so on. Plus, it’s estimated that one in one hundred people are psychopaths, so maybe.
Reading this excites me. In case you’re wondering if others are similar; http://www.secret-confessions......of-my-mind i wrote a similar story here.
I would say that most people just don’t see or notice anything. Sometimes i give very clear hints to people with very specific comments, others just shrug it off either as a poor taste in joking or w/e else they may thing.
Though i guess i’m different than you in wanting someone to know. I’m not sure why, but i’m just waiting for someone to come up to me and say “so… those “jokes” aren’t really jokes are they?”
though i’m not stupid enough to put my self in a position where my life would be uncomfortable.
I’m curious now. What exactly is it that you want to do or have done? Don’t spare any details if you don’t mind.
however, you may want to be aware of something. Many many people can have a lot of the “symptoms” listed on things that are supposed to resemble a serial killer. The problem is that a lot of that stuff is found more commonly in other psychological conditions as well as your average person.
you bring up serial killers and your knowledge of them. Does that mean you want to kill? I’d very much like to hear more about this.
To answer your questions-
Yes, I do get the urge to kill. No real emotion behind it, like you express in your post, though. Vivisection fascinates (and has since before I knew there was a term for it), but I imagine intricate, varying MOs based on the specifics of imaginary targets (terrain, geography, climate, demographics, building age/size/density, target habits/body type/size/relationships/actions, etcetera), and they can be as mundane as the result of a “broken” carbon monoxide detector, to elaborate as a Rube Goldberg-esque booby-trapped area, and a multitude of degrees of hands on versus hands-off. I would go into more detail, but I feel it safer to keep such ideas within my head, so I don’t have them in front of me to revise to perfection and cause me to be more tempted to carry through with them, and so that if I accidentally or jokingly mention one around my compatriots, this post cannot be linked to me through the possibility of one of them running across this site. Paranoid, I know, but safer, for me.
As to the fact that many people have serial killer tendencies as a child, I do know that. I will not, at the moment elaborate as to which tendencies I was inclined as a child because of the aforementioned paranoia, and desire to remain as anonymous as possible. However, I will say that I believe that I was one of the “lucky” ones with a psychological predisposition to become a serial killer (some of the tendencies I exhibited were among the more… abnormal ones), but lacked the environmental trigger(s) that may have set it off.
Your story does share some traits with mine, but seems more emotional. Perhaps we are a bit similar, but all people are similar in some regard. I do not know whether you want to be similar to me or not, but it seems from the confines of the two stories that we are neither similar nor dissimilar, but rather somewhere in the middle. If you were hoping to find a kindred spirit, fret not, for though I am not one, you undoubtedly will find one someday, perhaps in one more human than I.
As for someone asking you about whether or not you are joking, that is something more often encountered in movies than real life, where a story revolves around a few main characters as opposed to where every person lives a different story with different main characters. I would believe it to be unlikely that someone would wonder if your “jokes” are not so. However, if they inquired, what would you like to do, as opposed to what would you actually do? I myself shake it off with laughter, and make it appear as if I believed THEY were joking, but that is just me.
Perhaps this reply answered your questions, or perhaps it just answered questions that YOU did not have.
That’s scary.
I just saw a show on the BTK killer. He was a monster but he presented a front to the world. he was a boy scout leader, a church deacon, a married father, he had a job. Yet he went into homes and killed people. We appeared “nice” – people liked him. Yet he killed 10 people. He killed men women and children. He hung little kids from pipes. He tortured people. He was depraved-a sick bastard and he finally got caught. Now he sits in jail and rots. Is that how you want to end up? Rotting in jail?
Wasn’t Bundy a lot the same?
yes bundy could be charming and he was smart and manipulative.
Woah, dude. Take it easy. If I don’t mistake what your saying, you a.) might be a psychopath and b.) want to kill people? Yeah, you prob. should chill with that. If you can’t, take a leaf out of Dexter’s book (either the literary or the Showtime version), and channel the urge towards those who “deserve” it- murderers and rapists and such. Yeah, yeah, I know he’s fictional, but still a legit solution, eh? And yeah, it’s still illegal, and if you get convicted you’ll prob. wind up under the needle or with metal cap on your dome, but you’ll cause less harm to innocent peeps and you’ll be more Batman-y (if Batman killed people) than Joker-y.
oh, and I totes stole 1st poster’s name, sorry. I thought it was pretty :)
Oh, and sorry first poster for stealing your name. I saw it and thought it was pretty, then I left my computer for a while and when I came back I was trying to think of a name to use and “Karmi” just popped into my head and I knew I’d seen it somewhere but I totes forgot it was here so I used it and then I scrolled back up and when I saw that this is where the name came from I was like “oops” and felt bad, so, sorry.
Dammit, doublepost. I responded earlier and when I didn’t see it show up when I came back (again) even under “awaiting moderation” I reiterated what I’d said before except in more detail, not knowing that the other post was still queued.
hey doc – have you got a conscience? do you have empathy for people? or are you totally unattatched emotionally from everyone? could you just kill someone and toss the body in the trash & not feel BAD?
There is a difference between feeling empathy and simply not valuing a humans life in the usual aspect. When you step on a bug, where is your empathy then? You just don’t value that bugs life. Why should someone feel bad for killing a person if you don’t feel bad for killing a bug. This reasoning baffles me to the point of pure frustration.
I too studied serial killers a while ago & it is true that the early indications during childhood could easily apply to many people who will never be serial killers or psychopaths. Perhaps because you have studied the subject so intensely it plays on your mind more? If you’re constantly exposed to something it does start to become normalised very quickly – this could be a major problem for you. There is a difference between fantasising about killing and actually carrying out the killing although obviously a fine line can always exist between carryif fantasies over to reality. My message is obviously clear: do NOT act on your fantasies, ever. You have to imagine what you’re thinking of being done to you or someone you love. Your parents, children, siblings, friends – if you ever act on your tendencies you will be taking one of these people from someone else’s life. I would strongly advise you to distance yourself from researching serial killers & seek as much anonymous help as you can online. Unfortunately it seems society does not offer any help for people in your situation to stop you carrying out murders – it’s only after the devastation has been carried out and you’re in prison that the ‘help’ would exist. Good luck, I hope your mindset changes soon & remember that you’re a human – don’t let your mind dictate otherwise.
As an introvert, I just want to remind everyone that this guy is very social, probably very outgoing, and blends in with everyone else. He has lots of friends. He does and says all the right things and on the surface is part of the group. He is NOT a “loner” type and probably not one of those people who “looks like a serial killer.” I am tired of people associating psychopaths with loners. The REAL scary people are not the shy ones or the ones that don’t fit in. The REAL scary ones are the ones who are social, outgoing, one of the gang. The deadliest serial killers are often the ones who are very charming and sociable, because many people don’t think friendly extroverts could ever be bad. The dangerous people are the quiet loners, right?
I’m also an introvert (INTP on the Myers-Briggs system, to be specific), and I know where you’re coming from. I remember one time, in grade school, when a kid turned to me in class and told me that I “scared him” because I was “too quiet”. People always thought something was wrong because I was more comfortable keeping to myself. You know what I’m talking about, huh?
But I’m not so sure about the “extrovert” clasification; maybe more of an “extrAvert”? Extroverts are persons who get energy and motivation from externally- other people. Introverts get energy from within themselves. A very highly simplified explination, I know, but oh well. Extraverts have sort of the private-ness of introverts, but exibit the traits of extroverts. The poster most definately keeps their “self” private, but probably, as you said, show themselves as extroverted, which makes them an extravert. Sorry if I did a bad job of explaining that.
You got me. I just misspelled (sp?) it. It should be extr”a”vert and not extr”o”vert. I was starting with introvert and projecting it onto the other one. That’s kind of embarassing, actually.
“I am the last person turned to in suspicion for anything.”
Umm…how often does this come up? Are you saying no one would ever suspect you or no one has suspected you?
It sounds like you are saying some “bad stuff happened” and no one suspects you.
I can see if you’re in law enforcement trying to find potential serial killers then posing as a psychopath on this site would be a great way to draw them out.