A gay mess

I just graduated from a prestigious college, but aside from that my life is in ruins.
I’m in holy debt, I’m desperate for a job and broke, nothing motivates me and i’m all alone.
So many days I carry a bottle a pills with me and dare myself to take them all, but i’m a failure at that too.
my sexuality hurts me i’m not confortable with it i hate being gay, as if my life isn’t hard enough i have to hide my feelings for women and when i think i do find someone thats great they turn out to use me for sex and money if i don’t have to courage to kill myself i might as well run away, for so many years i’ve thought of the perfect getaway.

just know i’m not dead

3 thoughts on “A gay mess

  1. I understand being alone. But look at the positive side… you have life and world is your playground.

    Tackle one thing at a time and i am sure thinks will look better.

    Debt is something a lot many of us have because of school. I don’t understand what you mean be you “hate being gay” are you gay or are you not?

    You have to hold your pieces together yourself and be strong and value yourself and you will see people will treat you differently.

  2. Whatever you do don’t ever harm yourself. That won’t solve any of your problems. Who you are is who you are, try to learn to accept that you are not exactly like everyone else and that’s just fine. You are yourself and unique. You may not be aware but there are many other gay people in the world who are happy and well adjusted people. What a lot of them had to do was to accept themselves first and get away from negative people telling them they were not good enough or defective because of being gay. If you have someone close to you, confide your problems to them. Maybe your friends or family can help you get through this difficult period until you can become self supporting. Try to find yourself a gay friendly therapist who will work with you to build your self confidence, acceptance and pride in yourself. You are a great person and you deserve to be happy like anyone else. Being gay also does not mean you just accept being mistreated by others. So please stop allowing others to treat you disrespectfully. Take care of yourself and reach out for help soon. Let us know how things are progressing for you. Be well.

  3. Look, none of us who comment know you personally, so you may or may not take the good advice to heart; but as a woman who has been in the same place as you and has befriended none other than this countries best and most depressed gays, I can tell you that it gets better (cliche, but true).

    Your situation is unique, I mean I’ve never heard of a gay man hiding his love of women, but thank you for saying so because you prove being gay is not a choice.

    I empathize with you completely because for the longest time I lived life in debt, feeling outcast-ed from the world. I wasn’t gay, but I was a teen mom. I say this because you and I both have stereotypes to live against. I was single for the longest time and still am.

    There was only one thing that could get me out of the mess that was my life– I had to change my way of thinking. Yeah, that’s all. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and enjoy life for what it was. I had to also realize that everything I thought was my fault was not, and that my depression was probably genetic, meaning I could stop believing that I deserved to be depressed. You’d be surprised how much your life can change if you stop thinking of yourself as a victim or a loser, or a mess for that matter, and start being more assertive with how you want your life to be.

    YOU are not a mess, and there are PLENTY of MEN and WOMEN out there who will accept you for who you are. YOU should love who YOUR HEART guides you to without shame. YOU need to exist without giving a rats a$$ what other people think. And as for your debt, well shit happens. Debt determines the quality of your life if you let it. Almost all Americans are in debt, at least you have a prestigious education to go with it.

    Doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, if you aren’t listening to that positive voice inside of you and being true to yourself, then you’re living a lie and you will not enjoy your life. This isn’t about your debt, this is about how you feel about yourself. Screw the debt, think about what YOU can do to improve your own outlook.

    Just put your intentions into feeling good about yourself and it will shine through you. You will find a job, granted it may not be the job you want, but you will find a job, and when you do just focus on using that job to pay the bills. While you’re paying the bills focus on how you can be a better person and improve your life. Slowly but surely you will start climbing up a latter of good intentions and you will change. Act courageously once a day for yourself, and before you know it you will be a new person. Just focus on change, because I promise you if you take your own life you will have to go through this again until you get it right, so what’s the point?

    I became self aware when I turned about 27. Before then I was an ignorant hot mess who felt victimized by her own circumstances. My life sucked, and the only way I could accept myself was by living in denial of what a mess I was. One day I woke up and realized what a mess I was and couldn’t even look in the mirror. I was ashamed. Yes, I was being honest with myself, but if I’m ashamed then I’m still carrying a counter productive mind-frame, see what I’m saying? I had to begin the process of changing my life by changing my perception; I had to think of myself as a regular human being who was entitled to fail, and since I experienced the negative spectrum of life it was now okay to experience the positive. I am now doing soooooo much better. I’m 29, fyi. No rx pills, just acceptance. Yeah, I had to talk about it a lot, I had to get books on self improvement, and I had to make a lot of mistakes in the process, but learning to be okay with everything made all the difference. I went through 2 jobs; the first one was really crappy, then the next was a little better but once I started to meditate on what I really wanted out of my life, opportunities came to me I never thought would, and now I am working from home. I know I sound like an infomercial and it’s corny, but I’m being serious with you.

    Please, just try taking one step a day toward embracing yourself. I took almost three years to cleanup my life and change because I was incredibly negative. Three years is nothing compared to taking 10, 20 or more. You can change your life in less time than me, I know you can. You have a good soul and you did the right thing by expressing yourself through this median.

    Tonight, go outside, look at the sky and the stars and with all sincerity ask the universe to help you change your life for the better, and to show you signs of what to do.

    He who seeks will always find it.

    Lots of love to you.

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