residual trauma from drug use

I did drugs (some bad, some worse) when I was in my teens (ten years ago). I hung out with people who were confused, and their confusion came out in anger, frustration. I had trauma at home. I was high every day for years straight because I wanted to escape.

Now… I live a very different life. I quit doing drugs a long time ago. I’ve even quit smoking cigarettes and, last year, I quit drinking caffeine. I am interested in healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle. I have healthy friends and healthy relationships, and a partner who loves me very much.

About eight months ago I went on a ten-day meditation retreat. I was silent for ten days, meditating for twelve hours per day. One night, I couldn’t fall asleep. Memories came back to me from the past. I essentially re-lived a memory of myself, as a teenager, as if it were really happening. It was a memory of the place I experienced the most trauma. While experiencing the memory, lying in my little cot in the middle of the night… I felt the feeling of wanting to be there more than anything, because there were lines to be snorted in front of me. I wanted to re-live that moment to get high.

It was then that I realized, although I have been clean for years, and feeling deep regret, remorse, and disgust for my drug use, the feeling of wanting to escape is with me…. every moment of every day. I still want to get high. The difference between now and then.. I don’t act on it now. I choose a healthy life.

I still binge on sugar (one of my last few addictions to work on). I still zone out on the internet or to movies occasionally.

I am still addicted. I still act in ways that can only be explained by my past traumas. I still have lots of fears.

I am beginning to let go of regret, however. This helps a lot.