Old Habits

I’ve been hard-narcotic free for a little over two years now. It’s been a long road getting to where I am now, and all my changes for the positive have been worth the hard work, focus, and abstinence. My family relationships have gotten better, I’ve accomplished becoming an independent adult, renting a condo on my own, paying the bills on time, going to work. In the past few months though, I’ve been having trouble staying happy without drinking, without masturbation, without drugs. My oldest friend and I have been down the addict road together, and while I’ve been able to make some progress out of it for quite a while, it’s not been so easy for him. Lost his father, lost most of his friends, still drinking heavily and using heroine. We used to do all that together. Recently, he had someone deliver him some H to my place while we were hanging out. I wasn’t happy about it, of course, but I always try to put myself in his shoes when it comes to the reasons for continuing use. Anyway, he smoked it in my house, and started getting sick, heaving over the toilet for a good 20 minutes. When he came out, we had a heart to heart about it, telling him how much it concerned me, and that I really hoped he’d get better. He told me how sorry he was for doing it in my house, and gave me the H to put it away from himself. I told him I’d get rid of it, but I never did. I came home from work today, had a couple beers, and lost my will to stay away from it. So, here I am, smoking it, wondering how this will turn out. Not sure how to feel, all I know is that my inner impulse is telling me that I don’t get many chances to get high anymore, especially with this stuff. I’m such a hipocrit. I feel bad for it, but obviously not that much, or I’d have already thrown it out. Oh well.

4 thoughts on “Old Habits

  1. If you smoking it even getting sick from just smoking it you’re not that addicted I know it feels bad but could be a hell of a lot worse. I was a heavy IV heroin user for 13 years when I would get sick usually in jail I would shit myself throw up constantly even if there’s nothing left the last time ain’t nothing but two oranges and a glass of water for two weeks before I was bailed out of jail dry heaving and shitting myself. But I’ve been clean for almost a year now and if I can do it I’m sure you can too. Also I’m homeless. But what you really need after you get clean is some kind of therapy to figure out why you want to get high all the time, and I mean really figure out because whatever you think right now is it really the whole picture. Good luck

  2. You know how it’ll turn out. Badly. None one finds real happiness via drugs. Your chemical happiness will end, then what? Pursue more superficial chemical happiness? When do we get tired of the high & inevitable low & lower of chemical happiness? When do we seek real happiness?

  3. Dear Friend,

    Try to look on the bright side. You’ve maintained recovery for a long time already. Now just get back at it one day at a time. You’re only human as we are all. Give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself. Why not start dating again? We all have a need to be loved and supported. You deserve this much too. Allowing yourself to be less than perfect may also be a source of support for you. Be well now.

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