I’m a extremely bulimic male
Posted by 30 y/o weirdo in Addiction on Apr 7th, 2010 | 10 commentsI’m a 30 year old male who is extremely bulimic. I started this horrible thing when I was 16 and nearly 285 pounds. I dropped down to 130 pnds quickly (I ran 4 miles a night and did NOT consume more then 5 grams a fat a day and 300 calories a day) and now i average about 150. I have horrible body dismorphia. Every time I eat I feel my skin stretch and I immediately have to throw up. My brain shuts down when there is food in my stomach. I break out into a sweat and it feels like Im runnning a fever. All I can think about is how fast I can get it out of me. When we go out to eat, the first place I go is the bathroom to see if its a private one person bathroom or not. If it isnt, I claim that Im not hungry and just enjoy my friends company. If it is, I’ll eat because I know I can go into the bathroom afterwards and get it out of me.
It take sme two hours to get dressed to go out with friends. I feel everything makes me look fat and I feel ugly. I can still remember when I was a 42 waist. That image will never leave me.
The thing is, I only eat EXTREMELY healthy foods. My friends laugh at me. When I order a sandwich or something at a restaurant. I get no mayo, no cheese, no sauces (I dont know whats in them) and I eat wheat bread. I always substitute a side sald instead of fries. No dressing, no croutons, no cheese, no egss. Its basically lettuce and tomato. I still cant keep it down because I’ll gain weight. I only cook with 100% fat free foods. Fat Free Cheese, fat free sour cream, you name it, its fat free. NEVER any oil. I cant name ANY fast food place and tell you what you can order that would keep your calories low and you fat content under 15 grams. I’ve become a pro at this!
I don’t want to get help for it because of the fear I’ll quit throwing up and gain weight. And its true, I will. I have absolutely NO metabolism. I gain weight SO easily. I tried holding down food for a few weeks and I gained 20 pounds. I was only eating the fat free healthy foods. My knuckles have signs of this disease and I fear that eventually my teeth will show signs of this. I want help for that simple reason but like I said I dont want to get fat. Its so confusing. My other half who ive been in a relationship with for 4 years knows and knows never to say anything to me about it. After eating I always dissapear to the bathroom. some of my VERY close friends know and they cant help. They have tried… now they just put up with it. My mom found out. She says I’m wasting food. I disagree, the best part of food is the taste. I still get to enjoy that.
Do I get help and live FAT and MISERABLE for the rest of my life or do I just continue this and be attractive-ish?
Its a horrible curse. I exercise and do all the right things. Unfortunately I have to continue doing “this” to stay my weight.
Any input will help.
10 Responses to “ “I’m a extremely bulimic male”
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Hello-
You are already miserable even with your eating disorder.
I suggest yu seek treatment so that you can develop a better relationship with food and yourself. Good Luck
hello there! i do not have the same problem as you however i am pregnant and i have been having a problem keeping my food down. i have very bad morning sickness and the doctor gave me a perscription for these pills that make your food digest faster so my body will hopefully digest it before i can get sick. it has worked and trust me it helps with the metabloism. maybe check into this with you doctor. the name of the pill is metoclopramide. see if that works
I’m fourteen. I know what you mean. I think I’m becoming Anorexic. I just can’t eat. There is like a voice telling me not to and I’ve thrown up more than three times to get it out of me. I hate myself. I exercise ALL the time.
I can’t stop.
I hide it, too.
Hey. This will sound awful, but I wish I could have lost weight the way you did. I can’t seem to lose anything the way it is. I’m a 17 year old female. I don’t wear a lot of my clothes because I don’t want to look bigger than I already am. People tell me I’m not, but I don’t feel like it myself. I know its nothing that really helps, and I’m sorry. But I know how you feel for some things. I’ll pray for you. Hang in there.
You’re not healthy, mentally or physically, even if you think you are. I used to feel the same way as you. Please please look after yourself. You need some perspective. There are worse things than gaining weight. Don’t let this define who you are.
Good luck.
I lost my 4 front teeth for doing that. I am 44 years old, and I am still doing it.
I know it’s hard to be overweight, but I would rather be overweight a millions times, than living the way you are now.
Think about it and realize that people must love you for who you are and not for what you look like.
God bless you and I hope you make the right decision.
You say you fear being fat? So… what would happen if you were fat? What part of being fat do you fear?
It is interesting how, in this culture where there is food abundance (and abundance in general), a trim, slim body is attractive (or, for males, toned and/or muscular).
You need to get some help, as the issue is psychological.
What could inspire you to get help and follow through with the treatment? Would it be… a fear of death or ill health?
The ill health you will experience as a result of treating your body this way would be much worse than the pain you would experience from being “fat.”
You will probably be physically attractive – even more physically attractive – with some extra weight.
I was badly bulimic and burst a blood vessel in my eye from vomiting. I’d throw up around 12 times a day and couldn’t bear to have any content in my stomach.
My gag reflex became super sensitive and the back of my throat was like mince meat. I also exercised like a demon.
One day, I woke up and my whole body ached. I couldn’t unlock my bedroom door and it was physically too painful to try and yank it open. My head was bulbous.
Try and eat half portions of protein. Squares of steak or flakes of salmon.
These are ‘caveman’ food – nothing artificial or processed. Eating very small amounts of the right food, and keeping it down, is key. Resist the urge to binge – just eat those miniscule portions and keep it down.
Distract yourself by talking to a friend on the phone (I found fixing or building things very effective – i.e. self-assembling furniture).
When I look back at old pics, I still think I was most beautiful when I was smaller (I have very small bone structure so I think being slim is most flattering for me). But I’m also quite attractive even with those 10 extra kilos.
xo
I know you posted this a long time ago, but I read your post and it really affected me. I’ve been through the same experience and I know how horrible it is. But you can get better, and getting better doesn’t mean getting fat – it means getting your life back. Please read what I have to say, and take from it what you will, I don’t know if I can help, but you aren’t alone and there is help.
I suffered from bulimia for many years. At the start, I was overweight and I absolutely hated myself. I would binge uncontrollably and eventually, I began to purge in many ways, including vomiting, fasting, laxative abuse and compulsive exercise. The disease took over my life. I was desperately unhappy, but terrified of seeking help for fear that I’d be overweight again, even though I was thin at the time. I thought that I could never eat “normally” and that this was just what I had to do to avoid weight gain and have a semblance of control over myself.
Eventually, my health was ruined. I was always dizzy. My glands were painful and swollen. I felt ill every time I ate and could barely keep food down even if I wanted to. I was always covered in bruises because of depleted electrolytes (caused by malnutrition and purging). I always had burst blood vessels around the eyes from purging, I looked like a drug addict. I was drinking and smoking like crazy because I just wanted my mind to shut up. My metabolism was ruined. I hated myself more than ever and wanted to die.
I started to feel like I had nothing to lose. It was a choice between death (bulimia is certainly a deadly illness) and the one thing that terrified me even more; recovery. I saw three psychiatrists – the first two I couldn’t get along with, they drove me insane. The third one, though, was (and still is) great. She is a specialist in eating disorders and although it didn’t happen overnight, I eventually came to trust her enough to open up. With her help and the help of a nutritionist, I started to see a light at the end of a tunnel, but I was still terrified to stop purging, I was terrified of “getting fat again”.
My treatment team didn’t force me to do anything. They never made me feel like a bad person for what I did, which I now know was extremely important because guilt is a huge part of this illness and only makes it worse. They helped me work towards goals one step at a time. With their help, my binges became less frequent and eventually stopped. Stopping purging was incredibly difficult at first, but over time, it got easier and easier. My nutritionist helped me with meal plans that slowly incorporated the foods I was afraid of back into my diet. This may sound terrifying, and at times it was, but slowly, my metabolism picked up as my body got used to having the energy it needed, and digestion went from painful to enjoyable. I haven’t purged in over a year now. I also haven’t gotten fat. I had to gain a small amount of weight to be in the healthy range, but because I increased my intake incrementally with the help of a nutritionist, my metabolism improved (as well as every other aspect of my health, including my depression) and my weight only fluctuated slightly.
I am now healthy, slim and happy. There are still bad days and I still need to see my therapist to check in, but I see her a lot less often now. I finally have my life back. I can see friends, go out to meals, I can concentrate at work, I can have fun, and I don’t have to be afraid and lonely anymore.
You don’t have to live like this. An eating disorder is an incredibly painful, lonely, depressing condition, and because it isolates you, it can seem like your eating disorder is all there is left. But it isn’t. You deserve to be happy and healthy, you deserve to live a vibrant and full life. You deserve to be able to go out with friends and family without having to check bathrooms or obsess over food.
This illness is horrific and deadly and it will completely ruin your life. Recovery is hard, but it gets easier and easier. You can’t do it without help, but you can do it. You are not alone – there are millions of men and women who are suffering like you are. And you don’t have to suffer anymore.
I really hope you seek help. I know it is really hard, but I promise you – it is completely worth it. Look for an educated professional who specialises in eating disorders. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find a good match right away. It can take time, but you will find the help you need. You really do deserve to be free of this prison. Take care.