i changed,i lost my way

i was always been one of the most unpopular girl in school since i was in 4th grade. its just because of my appearance. i was fat, ugly, have..let say, a bad-colored-skin, unlike many girls in my school. i live in Asia, a part which most of the girl have white skin, or at least a fair skin and ALL of the boys likes girls like them. so, i was always been a girl that are never been noticed and most people are never recognized my existence.

once in my 6th grade i fell in love with this guy. i love him not because of his appearance. i fell for his kindness, his smart brain, his politeness to others, even me. and he is not really like most of the guys who not even see me. well, at least he talk to me once a while. i keep my feelings for almost 3 and a half years.
i was happy enough to have this feeling and was afraid to confess to him. one day my secret have been revealed and most of people in school know my feelings to him, as in i have been his secret admirer. its fine with him. he still talk to me, make friend with me, nothings different. but, the problem is his friends. (he is one of the popular). they mock me in front of him every single day since they know my secret. my heart was very painful, because of them. i feel like “why do i have to live in this body?a body which is so bad that people always make fun of and not even LOVEABLE??”
i gave up my feelings in my prom night. i stop and forget my feelings about him at that night.

exactly after i made that decision, i promise myself to change. i think i need to work and repair all things up to get my goal “to be recognised, to be loved, to be pretty, to be popular”
i work hard for as long as 2 and a half years and finally i get my goals.

i am now a pretty girl, (i am not over confidence but i can tell you that i am 180 degree different than when i was younger), i am popular, many people want to make friends with me, and its like nobody don’t know me.

i am happy that i can get my dream, after i work hard in this more than 2 years.

the problem is not end yet. i know that i am happy enough to reach my goal. but because of my weight problem, i am obsessed to be skinny and even skinnier. until i look like an anorexia girl. u can only see my bones, no meat in my body. i feel weak. very weak. i even was only eat a bowl of plain oatmeal in a day. until the next day i get the same dish. and no more. only water that will fill me up.
i was obsessed because of i always remembered all of my past, who always been a joke because of my body. its painfull that i always cant compare my hunger to my heart-ache. i will forget my hunger if i remember all those hardcore-joke about me.

because of my obsession to be skinner and skinnier, i dont know who i am anymore. people start to really concern about me, and i was avoid them and stay away from them.
so, i know i still have them as a friend, but i am lonely. i even feel more lonely because i am getting more far from my family because of i always avoid to hang out with them to eat out like we used to be.

i been an anorexia girl for like almost half a year until i have a first boyfriend. i cant say that he is my boyfriend because i not feel love in our 2 months relationship. we met, we be friend like for a month and he confess, i aproved, he was go travel for a month and we meet up again, going out like about only 6 times because i was busy with school and until a night before chrismast (2009) we broke up.
i am not sad. not even think about it for an hour actually. but, what makes me sad is, when my i tell the story about him to my mom, she said a painful thing that “boys are now avoiding you because of you look like an anorexia girl, your breath even not smell nice because u always starve yourself and have a kind of disease that making u have a bad breath.”
BANG!!!WOW!! i was shocked at that day. really. i was done with my overweight problem and now what?? anorexia??bad breathe? WHAT THE HELL ON EARTH IS HAPPENING TO ME?

it happened like 3 months ago. after my mom woke me up from this anorexia tought, in the exact second after that i binged. to get away from my anorexia body. i go crazy and consumed all foods that is in front of my eyes. i put it all to my mouth and eat,eat, eat.and never even once i purge (making my self throw up) i always feel guilty after eating. until i gained like 6 kgs, in one month. after one month i binged i started feeling not good. i cant stop to binge. i try to not eat like 20 hours after i binge, untill i eat again and i binge again, and not eat again and binge again. the cycle keeps going on everyday like that.
i know i have to stop. but somethings in me makes me lost my healthy mind and just eat eat eat. i dont know what to do now i really lost my identity. i always remember my pain when i was young but now i also have this “second me” that always persuade me to binge out.

i am in a healthy weight now, i go gym almost 5 times a week.
but i still cant stop my binge-and fasting cycle.
i always want to be normal. eat in a normal cycle like my friends. and just having a normal life.

i dont know why i always have problem with my life. i just have no idea why never live normal? i feel like something is controling me and just keep me away from being normal.
i never share this true story to anyone else before. not even my mom. only me and god know. and now i am brave enough to share this story here.

i just need a normal life.
why i cant have that?

i really dont know who i am now.
i lost my identity, my healthy mind, my healthy body, relationship with friends, sister, family, parents, also.. god.
i am even feel embarassed to god that now i ruin my life. now i am being a drinker,i smoke, eating foods that my religion avoid.
and everything that just broke my religions rule. i havent even pray for couple of months now. i just..
i ruin all things and i really lost my way. i embarased to face god.

i cant stop crying when i write this.
i have no idea what to do.

well, atleast i share my story somewhere.