I can’t be completely honest with anyone

I don’t believe the addictive urge ever disappears – I think it’s a matter of trying to channel it into more productive (‘applauded’) pursuits.

I was dux of my primary school and topped my year in several subjects throughout high school. I tried to kill myself twice during this time by overdosing on Panadol and sleepgels. My mother used to try to beat the life out of me and tell me I was fat, worthless and stupid.

I became addicted to heroin when I was 16. Spent a year in rehab and was later signed to Elite. Became bulimic and addicted to exercise. Worked as a ‘high-class’ escort and completed college. Completed my undergrad at one of the world’s top-ranked universities and almost finished with my Masters at the same institution.

I now earn a reasonable salary within the corporate field. On paper, I’d be considered ‘successful’ for my age.

I also now drink too much.

For a long time, I’d navigated a complex web of lies to explain the ‘years away’ in my life. Now, being a little older, it’s not so much an issue. People are generally just interested in your immediate past.

I can’t see myself ever being able to tell a partner about my life. It sounds like fiction – even to me. Nobody would ever believe me and, if they did, nobody would ever really understand. I tried telling a partner once and he thought I was being dramatic. He actually laughed.

I’ve pretty much alienated those friends who knew about my drug addiction. I’ve completely wiped out those who know anything about the escorting. So no one really, truly knows about my life to date.

I really wish I had someone I could trust with the whole truth. It gets confusing trying to remember how much I can share with whom.

2 thoughts on “I can’t be completely honest with anyone

  1. hey. what a story you must have. I hate people who don’t have pasts. I would rather be friends with 1 crazy friend than 20 normal ones. I think you are short selling yourself…people may surprise you – let someone in. If some dude laughs at you, get another dude. and then another. Until one day you’ll find someone that listens. And if you never find that one, then just keep posting on this site!

    I have a strange past too. I had a strange childhood…I was 12 years old and had the soul of an 80 year old. Paths are chosen for you already – and you just took a cross country trip to get where you are today and thats why you are interesting. There’s nothing fun about boring. good luck to you girl and email me whenever you want to be real.

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