I don’t believe the addictive urge ever disappears – I think it’s a matter of trying to channel it into more productive (‘applauded’) pursuits.
I was dux of my primary school and topped my year in several subjects throughout high school. I tried to kill myself twice during this time by overdosing on Panadol and sleepgels. My mother used to try to beat the life out of me and tell me I was fat, worthless and stupid.
I became addicted to heroin when I was 16. Spent a year in rehab and was later signed to Elite. Became bulimic and addicted to exercise. Worked as a ‘high-class’ escort and completed college. Completed my undergrad at one of the world’s top-ranked universities and almost finished with my Masters at the same institution.
I now earn a reasonable salary within the corporate field. On paper, I’d be considered ‘successful’ for my age.
I also now drink too much.
For a long time, I’d navigated a complex web of lies to explain the ‘years away’ in my life. Now, being a little older, it’s not so much an issue. People are generally just interested in your immediate past.
I can’t see myself ever being able to tell a partner about my life. It sounds like fiction – even to me. Nobody would ever believe me and, if they did, nobody would ever really understand. I tried telling a partner once and he thought I was being dramatic. He actually laughed.
I’ve pretty much alienated those friends who knew about my drug addiction. I’ve completely wiped out those who know anything about the escorting. So no one really, truly knows about my life to date.
I really wish I had someone I could trust with the whole truth. It gets confusing trying to remember how much I can share with whom.