Lost

I feel lost… I have no one to turn to anymore. I’m only 14 but I can honestly say I wish I was not alive. I’m scared of killing myself, because if I do, who will care? Sometimes it feels like no one will… And I have no one to turn to. My relationship with my parents is the one thing that can always bring me to tears. I spend too much crying, and the times I’ve used alcohol to escape, works… But only because for a few hours I can forget that I hate myself and my life. I’m not suicidal, but I want someone to talk to… Someone to open up to who I can relate to and won’t judge. I don’t want therapy because i don’t want people to know I’m struggleing with myself. I know my best friend will alwaysbe there for me, but she’s perfect and I’m scared to show her I’m weak.

And I’m really scared to post this….no one will care

What family?

I don’t like my family. They are all greedy. My mom was the rock of the family. She held strong with a smile upon her face and tried to make a great life for her kids from nothing more than shoddy walls and eternal love. When Mom died all they care about is her stuff that they want and a wrongful death case. I feel sorry for the doctor, she wanted to die. She was in extreme physical pain all the time as well as emotional anguish. I hope may family feels good about themselves with the emotional pain they caused her and the greed they show now. Even though I am named on the case as well, I hope it flops! I hope no one gets any money. Mom was worth more than this! I honestly don’t care if I never speak to them again.

lost of control is now my enemy..

My own head feels like its going to explode,
Im a 16 year old girl living with my grandparents.
The fact that they raised me for half of my ‘childhood’ im very happy for. but, my fears are all comming too fast for me to control at once. my father is living with us as well along with his girlfriend. she is pregnant and is giving it up. it bothers me that im going to have a half sibling out thier, my brother is 13 and slowly losing himself to drungs and alcohol. My mother is constintly demanding for me to come back and live with her, but i really dont belive i can handle her mental abuse and the childish fitts she displays as an adult. It frustating. im worried sick constintly about my grandparents well being, well slowly trying to hold a stady pace at school.Im a jr in highschool. with shame of failling my familey by going to city instead of state like my friends are and how my father went. I hate myself for not being smart like my friend i feel like im letting my grandparents down. On top of this, im being constintly asked and in a way asked and questioned my verginity. This guy bugs me non stop about my virtue its annoying. I despise him but hate to be mean so i stay silent. I know its wrong, but i want my first time special like any other girl does. Am i weak? i dont know how to control everthing thats going on….

i should of told

there was a girl at my school who always came into class with brusies on her arms and neck. today we found out that he father killed her, he pushed her down the stairs and beat he until her face wasnt even noticable. im sorry marissa, i noticed the brusies awhile ago, i should of talked to you about it, i should of told someone. if id had youd still be here

bullying

a girl commited sucide from my school last week, they said it was because she was bullied. im sorry sarah, i bullied you along with many others. if i could take one thing back in life it would be saying those horrible things about you. you werent worthless and you seen that tonight at your candle lighting where 3,000 students showed up plus more!

I can’t lose weight without the help of drugs

I’ve been overweight my whole life. I work out regularly but I’m not great about food. I’ve gradually worked my weight down over the years but I got stuck in one place and couldn’t budge further. So I started taking Phentermine. It’s the only thing that has worked. People say I look fabulous and I do feel that my body is closer to my goal that it’s ever been — within about 5 pounds of a totally **** stomach.

The thing is, I feel totally ashamed of myself for being weak, and unable to lose the weight without these pills. I went off them and gained 9 lbs back over Christmas, so I went back on again. The 9 lbs are gone again, but the shame of failure isn’t. My doctor says Phentermine is safe but I still feel embarraased to tell anyone that I couldn’t do it through self discipline alone.

I’m leaving you one day

When the time is right, I am leaving. I am in love with another man. This man you know but don’t know. He is in love with me and makes me feel like nothing else matters to him but me and his kids! When you thought him and I were over- we were still loving each other and never stopped.

I am sorry this is happening but him and I can’t help what we feel for each other. I love you but I am IN LOVE with someone else!

xoxo

Why do I not care?

I feel terrible, i care about this person very much, and they’ve never done anything bad to me. SO WHY DO I NOT CARE ABOUT THEM WHEN THEIR ABOUT TO DIE? I can’t live with the guilt, it’s killing me!

Messy Depression

I have recently been in a really dark place and have been suffering with some kind of depression although I haven’t been “professionally” diagnosed.

Today I realized how badly this depression affected all areas of my life, including the state of my house. I can honestly say I was shocked when I decided to start cleaning. The clutter was slowly increasing but I had no idea how terrible it had become until the cleaning. But it wasn’t just clutter. There was dirty dishes, dirty laundry, old floor stains. I was disgusted with myself to say the least. And then I was expecting guests over and I was about to have a panic attack – I have never felt so much shame in my entire life. I wanted to cry. I had this constant sick feeling in my guts.

I used to be such a clean freak and a perfectionist. And then I had become the complete opposite.

I still have a bit more cleaning that needs to be done but I’m looking forward to getting my old house and my old self back.

money and alcohol bad son

i still live at home but i have managed to get a drinking problem, i dont have tons of money, i live from paycheck to paycheck, i only use the alcohol to sleep now, not during the day, but when im out of money, i steal from my parents to buy the vodka, i hate myself every day for this i am a bad son

Verbal Abuse

The person I am married to is not the same man that people see out in public. I wish he was, he treats the neighbors, his customers, his sales reps, and any female or wife of a friend like they are royality. But in private he has a very different personality. He told me the other night when he was yelling at me for something I did not do correctly the I was lucky he hadn’t already left me
He treats and talks to me like I am a four year old.
I stand at my fathers gravesite every week and beg him with all the strength that is left in me to save me.

You play the cards you are dealt in life, I am requesting a re-deal, only this time he isn’t one of the cards I get.

Betrayed by my husband

I love my husband, yet I have to leave it it seems. I’ve been punishing him for over a year for betraying and lying to me and it seems I can not forgive/forget.

He reminds me of my father, of my mother. I feel they both abandoned me. I was a small kid, they both smoked, both got cancer and died before I turned 14. I’m twice this age now and still blame them, blame myself….as much as we all say” let go” it is the hardest thing and the only thing that makes me hold on to them, think of them…it’s terrible.

he lied to me before we got married that he didn’t do drugs, yet he does, occasionally and I hate him for ruining everything I hoped for. He was suppose to be everything they couldn’t be in my life…the protector, the savior, my best friend, someone I could admire and respect.

I’m heartbroken…..he has lied about so many things yet claims he loves me.

not sure where the cycle ends or begins with me, him, my past….he is just not who he said he was. I feel betrayed the way I felt betrayed by my parents. yes I know…no one chooses cancer yet my entire life I believed if they didn’t smoke, if they didn’t do this or that perhaps they would still be here.

i’m a mess sitting over divorce papers trying to make sense out of all of this, feeling it’s too late, yet holding onto I don’t even know what….perhaps my own promise/vow for better or worse….it’s as if he’s not someone I fell in love with and I know it is easy to love what seems perfect but cocaine? occasional or not, that’s too much for me to bear….

is that my challenge in life? to marry someone who challenges the deepest part of me I have not digged up in years. In the end we have no trust left, no friendship, I live in fear like a little girl because his friends are shady….drowning in what ifs and could’ves would’ve should’ves….

how do you deal with major disappointments and betrayals…how do you truly get over if not by closing this chapter and starting over….yet, it seems life keeps on looping back, rewinding, replaying, like a

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