liar.

i was with my boyfriend for three years and i never really loved him. i thought i did but now i realize i was just scared to hurt him.
he thinks we broke up because of long distance.
I have never been in love.

Can’t have children…

I got married at 19…I am 30 now. i never got pregnant with my husband or in my past (been sexually active since 14). I am 30 now. I think that i’m “screwed” and never be able get pregnant. Is it normal to be sexually acitve since 14; only use condoms periodically; usually use a “pull out method” in the past – not to have ever been pregnant? For the last few years we are sexually active w no protection and still nothing. My family and friends keep having kids and talking about me having them, especialy since I been married so long. Is it normal to NEVER even accidently been pregnant nor purposefully? I feel like there has to be something wrong with me that SO MANY PEOPLE can ACCIDENTLY get pregnant and I can’t even when I’m trying. But I don’t want to admit that I am trying witout success. I went to my gyno and things seem fine for me…but I’m hiding from everyone in my life that we ARE trying. My parents, friends, family. They all think I just don’t want them or arent trying. But I am. And it just dosent seem to be happening for me…

Deepest secret

When I was six my older cousin (then a teenager) began molesting me this went on for several years I have never told anyone I am now 26.

old affair new feelings

ok where to begin? When I was in my 1st marriage I was feeling unattractive and just plain old. I felt tied down w/ little kids, I married very young and ended up having an affair. I don’t really know why. It was all about sex even though sex w/ my husband was great- sex w/ this other guy was phenomenal. It went on for about a year or so until guilt set in and I confessed to my then clueless husband about it. a little while later we divorced. I later remarried had a couple more kids and then HE contacted me…HE meaning the affair.

It’s been many years since the affair and all we do is talk online and talk about sex and talk about meeting but we never do. He’s w/ someone else, not married but it’s pretty serious. It started maybe 3 years ago and it’s off and on chatting. Sometimes its daily then we go for months without even talking b/c I get aggravated w/ the situation. I can’t seem to get rid of him. I’ve ignored him for up to 4 months then I fall back into answering his messages online. Then it’s all about sex and when are we going to meet etc etc.

There are times I want to but other times I don’t because I gained some weight since I last saw him, although he’s seen pics and doesn’t care I do. Then I think about not wanting to cheat on my current husband. I worry about disease and this and that and everything else and I start over-thinking everything.

There’s some sort of connection but I can’t figure out what it is.. we both agree our chemistry is tops, but otherwise we have no other common interests or similarities.

I think what draws me to him is the past. I remember the affair and how good I felt about myself.. I used to be so down on myself and felt tired all the time, and when this affair started I was suddenly feeling good about myself, my appearance, everything and energy like crazy.. I’m starting to feel down again and tired and wonder if we actually did meet if I’d feel better. It’s stupid I know… what’s wrong with me!?

who to choose??

I have been in an on / off again relationship with by boyfriend of 10 years. as of now we are on…for the last 4 years we have been together – bought a house about 3 years ago. We are both 29 years old. About 5 years ago we were not together and he had a child with a girl he was with for about a year. 9 months of it was the pregnancy. I have also been at my job for almost 8 years. there is a co worker of mine who is 35 and got laid off about 2 years ago and recently came back to my office. when we met – it was like an instant chemistry. FRIEND WISE! We clicked. He knew i had a man and what my situation was cause we always talked about everything. He has a 12 year old daughter too. but – when he got let go – we used to email each other to see what what was going on with each other to keep in touch. then he emailed me saying that he never had a connection with anyone like he did with me and he had a crush but since i had a man he backed off…well i kind of felt the same and i told him in the email as well. he is completely different than my bf and actually cares about my needs. Nothing has ever happened and i am kind of scared that if something did – i would leave the guy i have put so much work into. it is hard not to think about the co worker because he always appears in my dreams! and in my dreams nothing really happens – cuddling and laying together is about it. we have become closer since he has returned to my office and things have left off where they did before. i feel like i am in limbo with this. just getting this off of my chest – maybe it will help me not think of him so much.

I wish he wanted me more.

My husband of nearly two years and I hardly if ever have sex. We’re both in our twenties which makes it painful and embarrassing. He always makes excuses saying he’s either too tired or not feeling well not even realizing that he hurts me everytime he turns away from my advances. I know he is faithful, but his lack of a sex drive makes me feel unattractive.

Last Night

I saw someone I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I use to love him so much but we had such a tumultuous relationship. He broke my heart and betrayed me but I’ve finally come to a place that I can move on. Now he’s back in my life and I can’t seem to stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him. But now I know it’s impossible. I’m married. Why do I feel like screwing everything up for something that was never right to begin with?

I’m a mess

I’m the quiet, reserved kid at school, though I’ve been getting better at that. I still have all these secrets bottled up inside me.
I’m bulimic, I was abused as a kid, I’m dirt poor, and my father would rather spend his time and money with ‘friends’ than with me. I’ve taught myself pretty much to hate everyone, and somedays I just wish I would die, but for some reason, I can’t bring myself to it, for some funny reason, I’m afraid of pain.
I know this isn’t written well, but it’s just everything that was on my mind.

Stranded by myself…

When I look at my own life, I feel like the greatest weirdo in the world, the whole time, stretching back to my childhood, I realised I never fit in with the rest, and is constantly held back by my foolish fears.

I am anti-social, social phobic,and has the bad habit of trying to predict what bad stuff could happen to me when I am perfectly fine. I am excessively paranoid and pessismistic.

I have always tried my best to look at things positively, living on a tight rein of breaking down, until the year I entered college, I decided to give up trying, and I became worse.

I keep sinking into my depressed state, my grades falling to the bottom of the cohort. I feared about not graduating and yet I could not stop myself fromsinking.

I have failed miserably in the final exams. I repeated my final year in college and seeked help from the school counsellor but it was useless to my condition. I am always in constant fears which are largely unknown to me,these fears did not make sense at all, I am either always depressed or in a confused state of happiness and sadness, and the result was I only managed to pass the exam in my second try. I graduated with poor results.

Sometimes, I felt that my presence pollutes the community I live in, I felt like a complete disgrace to my parents.
Everyone has been quite tolerant of my moodswings, my circumstances weren’t bad either and yet I was the only one stranded, not moving on.

I am supposed to be working while I am waiting for university admissions results. It worries me excessively because my results weren’t good. Even as I try finding a job, I worry excessively about failing to do my job well.

I am wasting my life in constant fears which I could not shake off.I could not move on with my life. My life was solely spent dreaming, watching dramas and writing stories, this is my way of escaping from everything, practically doing nothing productive.

I am truly a pathetic coward.

No School

Ok, I have been in a relationship for 5 years and have a large secret. When I was 18 I left high school (due to needing to work full time to support myself) I never returned. I never got my H.S Diploma. I have a very good job, own my own home, and I support my 2 children on my own. My boyfriend thinks I am very educated, but I do not have the heart to tell him I didn’t finish school. I do plan on going back to school for my diploma, but I feel so bad….

I hate the person I’ve become

It all happened so fast.. I got one promotion after another and finally have the job I always wanted. But it doesn’t really make me happy. My determination to get there has turned me into a cold and bitchy person. It seems like I can only scream or snap at people. I don’t have any friends and most people at work would be more than happy to see me leave. I don’t want to be like this, I never thought I’d become this sort of person. I wish I could just be friendly and happy for a while, but I can’t.

Just a kiss

22 years ago we kissed. It was probably the hottest kissing session I’d ever had. Last night, we kissed again. It was so different, but so much better. You were right, it didn’t feel wrong, even though it would be deemed so. I didn’t think of him, or of her, just your lips softly caressing my lips, my neck. I do not regret it and I do not feel guilty.

I will not let it go farther than that kiss, not until we are both free from those that hold us down and bring us pain. This kiss has cemented my resolve to break free and find my happiness with you. I long for the day.