i changed,i lost my way

i was always been one of the most unpopular girl in school since i was in 4th grade. its just because of my appearance. i was fat, ugly, have..let say, a bad-colored-skin, unlike many girls in my school. i live in Asia, a part which most of the girl have white skin, or at least a fair skin and ALL of the boys likes girls like them. so, i was always been a girl that are never been noticed and most people are never recognized my existence.

once in my 6th grade i fell in love with this guy. i love him not because of his appearance. i fell for his kindness, his smart brain, his politeness to others, even me. and he is not really like most of the guys who not even see me. well, at least he talk to me once a while. i keep my feelings for almost 3 and a half years.
i was happy enough to have this feeling and was afraid to confess to him. one day my secret have been revealed and most of people in school know my feelings to him, as in i have been his secret admirer. its fine with him. he still talk to me, make friend with me, nothings different. but, the problem is his friends. (he is one of the popular). they mock me in front of him every single day since they know my secret. my heart was very painful, because of them. i feel like “why do i have to live in this body?a body which is so bad that people always make fun of and not even LOVEABLE??”
i gave up my feelings in my prom night. i stop and forget my feelings about him at that night.

exactly after i made that decision, i promise myself to change. i think i need to work and repair all things up to get my goal “to be recognised, to be loved, to be pretty, to be popular”
i work hard for as long as 2 and a half years and finally i get my goals.

(more…)

Revenge is sweet, bitch.

I helped him cheat on you for the first year of your relationship. If I didn’t love him so much, I would tell you to your face.

My Father Abused Me

My father abused me from when I was 4 until 12, then he died of cancer. I used to be able to cope but since I injured my back, I’ve had more time to think and now Im having a lot of trouble copeing. I cannot go see a therapist because I don’t want it to appear on any records since Im training to become a search and rescue technician and Im alreadying having trouble,: being a girl and have a back injury(no apparent damage to bones so they cannot say anything about that yay!) Id love to get help, but I know I could not tell any friends,Id be to scared somehting slipped out becuase no one knows.
Thanks for reading!

Valintines Day

I lost my virginity to the boy down the road on valentines day. He didn’t believe me when i said i was a virgin. After we did it he felt really bad, for taking it. The truth is, i really didn’t care. I still don’t now. I wish you would just call me.

Her Boyfriend Has a Boyfriend

I’m a gay guy. My best friend is a straight girl. I blew her boyfriend for cocaine.

She doesn’t know that:

a.) I stabbed her in the back,
b.) that her boyfriend still does coke,
c.) or that her boyfriend likes men just as much as I do…

The only thing I keep wondering is if my willingness to perform sexual acts for drugs makes me a prostitute or not.

He and I have hooked up several other times since then… all so I can get more drugs.

Who am I?

I don’t even know where to start or if this even matters. I just know that no one but one other knows this. But the complications in this are so scrambled together, I’m not even sure if my conclusions are right. When my best friend and I were both about ten or eleven, we had been friends since we met at age eight. We would see eachother regularly, sleep over eachothers houses, et-cet. One night sleeping at his house, he suddenly grabbed my hand and made me fondle him. At the time I didn’t know why, or why I even went with it, but for some reason I did. And I was somewhat aware that I was sexually attracted to girls. After the first time, we started sexually experimenting regularly during sleep overs, in which case I progressively became comfortable with it, still not understanding why. I recall us both resolving with eachother that this was like practicing on eachother to prepare for girlfriends in the future, I guess because we eventually were aware that these homosexual activities of ours were not considered normal and were best preserved as secret. and so us both in self denial, we forced ourselves to adjust our behavior and mentality respectively, around the ‘elephant in the room’. But then one day few years later in our mid teens, we reached our climax of insecurity so I asked him if he remembered when it started, how, and why. He said he remembers me first proposing to engage in the idea. But I remember that moment most vividly among few other significant moments in life. We decided to stop doing it, to not talk about it, think about it, or tell anyone. And we did exactly that. Here’s my problem- after discontinuance of our intimacy, I started to miss it. I figured the reason why to be because he’s my best friend, who I loved and still love beyond any physical satisfaction, and because he’s beautiful in all ways. I realized that I fell in love with him. And I KNOW those experiences stirred his sexuality as well, he’s just in denial of it. What hurts me, is that he tries his best to deny these feelings, with the fear of deviating from the socially accepted norm. It pisses me off that I was at once normal (perfectly capable of being homosexually influenced) and then sexually violated by my best friend; then- in order to not turn against him in a state of blind hate- forcing myself to psychologically adjust myself to gain satisfaction for it in spite of keeping our friendship, just to have that beautiful connection we had cut off to never be indulged again, now having to live the rest of my life knowing what happened, what could have been, and dealing with the fact that it didn’t, and wishing beyond all possibility that we could have that happiness, and ultimately the possibility that he feels exactly the same. Said experiences have enticed many internal conflicts, which in turn enticed harmless pot smoking into cocaine and alcohol use. We both now are addicts and alcoholics. But despite the many chaotic and delusional episodes of feelings of hopelessness, I still and always will have the most potent love for that kid, a special love beyond any human understanding… even my own.

Wanting to leave my Husband

Sent my husband a text that, if it weren’t for our child, I would not be in this relationship..( after he called both of us lazy for not shoveling the snow for the second time in a day.
I am truly tired of our “married” facade.
Loved him, “Once upon a time”, not feeling it at present.
Guess, I am waiting for him to release me….

Why does nobody like me?

I like a girl in school, but i think she doesn’t like me. I can’t stop thinking about her, sometimes i can’t sleep because of her. Im so lonely. I have thought, if i die suddenly, would she know that i am gone or will she miss me? Why do i feel so bad about it. Some guys don’t give a shit if a girl doesn’t like them, but i get so sad, loneley, and i can’t sleep. I wish she would like me.

I’m only a child…. Do I deserve this?

I’ve tried to tell my mother about the abuse i’ve suffered for years but she only tells me to shut up and stop being stupid. So many times she’s seen it firsthand from my grandmother to me, but she tells me that I deserve it anyway. I’m not brave enough to tell anyone and when people ask me where I get some bruises, I tell them it was from roughhousing at dancing school. When I see all my scars all over me, I can remember every time she hurt me. She has tried to kill me a couple times, cutting a vein on my hand with a piece of glass, or when she would hold my head under the water until I stopped screaming. I have nobody to turn to. I wish I had the courage to tell someone that will actually believe me.

Went out on a limb for you..

So I decided to send you some carnations for Valentines day, hoping that you would somehow figure out it was me and we’d fall deeply and madly in love.

What the hell was I thinking?

You still don’t know I exist.

By the way, Taylor, it was a calculus equation, not a code, and when solved, it would read “69??” It’s a cheesy pick up line, and I thought you’d get it.
I was wrong about that too.

i know you are cheating on me

all the signs are there…

i see it…
i feel it…
ive caught you in small things….
i know you dont love me anymore…

please just let me go if you dont love me….
why keep dragging me through this….

You never noticed…

You never will. I’ll be moving out next year and we’ll carry on this charade.

You never cared to look for the signs, just pass over them and talk about yourself or my sibling. I just wish for once you would notice and talk to me. Help me.

My best friend was raped when she was 14. She swore me to secrecy so when you all spoke shit about her because she was going off the rails slightly, I couldn’t stop you.

You talk about me having all these “friends”. When I was little I was bullied physically. You even pulled me out of school to one near by because it got so bad. This new place was apparently brilliant to you. Yes… brilliant. A few times I ran home and hid under the windowsill in our house because these lads were chasing after me! I was terrified. I was only a little girl! These boys were 3 years older!

My so called friends hated me. My supposed best friend told me to shut up all the time. Would never let me talk. She made me feel so stupid. They’d all look down at me and make fun of me. They never wanted me around and I would always catch them making fun of me. They played mindgames with me and I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. I’d always be forgotten to be invited to something or I just wasn’t wanted.
Was I not worth friendship?

My dance group were horrible. I went because I loved to dance but my partners would leave or switch me. Then my longest partner spoke to me like I was an idiot but excuse me, you were the one who messed up. You ruined it. Not me. Don’t ever blame me. I went to a sleep over with some “friends” and they made fun of me because of the school I went to and made me feel like shit.

Entering secondary was worse. I was passed from friendship group to friendship group because no one wanted me. My “best friend” treated me like shit and then just left me. It happened again after that. I was just feeling down and she ignored me. Completely. Now it’s been a year and we haven’t spoken and she’s changed completely.
I got people making fake promises to me and faking concern. You haven’t heard from me in half a year, don’t you think something could be wrong? Obviously not. Am I really that easy to forget?
My uncle died and I couldn’t even go t his funeral! I don’t see any of my family anymore! I don’t have the weekends at the grandparents. I don’t see cousins. Nothing. I’ve seen them about…15 times in my lifetime. That is not a lot.

I’m so messed up at the moment yet you still don’t bloody notice! The scars are there but you don’t see them do you? I’ve had breakdowns and smashed things to pieces. I worry and get scared so much I make myself ill. I hardly sleep and when I finally do you yell at me for being lazy. You get pissy with me when dad and I apparently “gang up” on you with jokes. I’m scared about the future. My work isn’t good enough and I doubt it’ll ever be. I can’t get it right and I feel like just giving it up.

We’re so alike yet you won’t aknowledge this. Or maybe you do but don’t want to believe it. Maybe I’ll finish what I started when I was 13.

There is so much more I need to write but I don’t think I’m making sense and my heart is starting to go funny.