Beth

I am an escort. I am a crack head. I am fat. I am ugly. I am dirty. I am depressed and I hate myself. I get beat up by my loved ones physically and emotionally. I am a scammer. I am a liar. I went to cascade school and it never helped me. I went to suws and it was all a lie.

No matter how much you wish you can never go back in time and change the things you’ve done. No matter how hard you try its not what you know, it’s who you know. It never matters what you do, it only matters what people see you do. You can not fly. Dreams are called dreams because they are fantasy and can never be real. You are not allowed to feel pain or be sad, because it’s considered feeling sorry for yourself. Cops will not help you when you need it, they just want you to be another tick on their list. All firefighters are drunks and druggies. The more you plead for help, the more you won’t get it. Men can not truly feel love.

If there is a god, then I am going to hell. If there is a god, then he hates me.

no one is watching, when you’re dead you are just dead.

Girl on the inside

yes. i accepted that years ago which he told me, but what i couldn’t stand is his self-centeredness and his no care attitude in this house!

i want to tell you all the details, but i prefer not.

there are times i want to take a slight revenge of his attitude. he becomes SO NICE when he asks favor from me or when he is together with his “friends”, but can become SO GROUCHY and MOODY the next when he is here at home. (obviously, he is much more happier with them.)

one day, he’s have to tell the whole family about his secret. he’ll breakout. he’s already 20+ and he still thinks he can fool other people easily why he still didn’t have a girlfriend.

i didn’t know what i did. i try to give him a warm smile whenever he comes home and stuff. but it all fails.

why can’t he just tell our parents that he wants to move since he has a job? all his money are spent on his “friends” anyway. he couldn’t even spend a penny in this house, unless you try to sweet talk him.

lots of people have a slight hint he’s gay! all they need now is that confirmation from him that he is a girl on the inside.

UNSURE WIFE

Been married 4 years many ups and downs, husand very supportive but has his issues, like watching porn, drinks, spends money. Most of our relationship has been apart due to his career, so causes stress. After first child starting talking to an ex on internet and phone, caught him. decided I took a vow so we are working through it. I’m so afraid that one day I will find somthing much worse than that, and don’t know if I can ever get over it. Now I am very need and I can see its causing stress, cause I question things and don’t feel he pays enough attention to me and him romantically. The sex is unbelievble and we connect amazingly that way, but seem to disagree everywhere else in life. I love him so much and could imagine life without him, but hate how I feel sccared,

Carreer vs. Pleasure

I want to be a teacher.

I love the smell of marijuana on my skin.

I’m having a hard time deciding which one to hold onto.

Never been better.

I’m a 17 year old girl. I have a beautiful home, wonderful, supporting and understanding parents. Grate, loving, and caring friends. I’m doing well at school, I’m popular, active. I have my goals set for the future.
I may not be a beauty-queen, but I’m pretty enough. I’m in normal weight, I get enough attention from the boys, and usually get whatever I set my mind to.
Can’t say I’m very talented, but I do okay. I draw/paint, sing, write poems, stories, and get credit for that.
I have no problems what so ever. I should be the happiest thing.
..but I feel like I’m dead inside. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I feel guilty for not being thankful for what I’ve got.
I try to be healthy and keep my thinking healthy. I support others, when they’re feeling low, or suicidal. I hate when people talk about death or concider suicide. I do the best I can to help people who are depressed..
But in the inside, I feel the same way.I have been feeling thisway for allmost 6 years now. For no reason at all. I just hate feeling. I’m so tired of that. I don’t want to talk to people, do anything. I would just like to stop breathing.
I have gone to the pshyciatrist, and she wrote me some pills. They don’t seem to be working. I don’t want them to work. I don’t want help.
..Or maybe I do. I don’t understand. More often I go to bed, I stay awake til 7 a.m. and then get up, and live my life. But every night I stay awake I hate living. I hate breathing, blinking, feeling happy, cold, warm, loved, hungry, full… I just hate everything. Everything that I do, even the common needs or reflexes.. I just wish I could stop them all.
Every day I scare myself, when I catch myself wishing for death. I wouldn’t want to hurt any of the wonderful people around me.. But I fear I might just break one day. And I hate myself for being so selfish, and such a typical teen.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want someone to understand. I wamt this feeling to go away, or kill me.
I would just like to freeze for a very-very-very long time.

I just needed to get that from my chest, thank you for reading, try not to judge me; I do it enough myself.

Hate for my life and my body

I’ve never liked how I looked. I can’t find anything about myself that I like. My skin color, my eyes, my voice, body parts, I hate them all. I wish I could be someone else, someone pretty. I’m 120lbs and still I think I’m fat. I want to lose weight so badly. I’ve done some things I shouldn’t, I’m scared, but sometimes I just don’t care. Still, I can’t say that I fit into the cookie cutter of what it means to have an eating disorder. The intelligent side of me recongizes that it’s a danger to my health, but the other side of me doesn’t care. I’ve been alone all my life and it seems like I shouldn’t care since I don’t go out or have a life or friends anyway, but I do. I care so very much that it’s all I think about from day to day. I always feel like I get overlooked when I do happen to get out by everyone, like I’m invisible. Maybe I am. I don’t want people to overlook me because I’m not pretty enough or skinny enough, but that’s how the world is, isn’t it? I’ve never had a proper father figure and at almost 20 years old I desperately want a male in my life to love me. I’d like that to be in the form of a boyfriend since I’ve never had one, but that will probably never happen. Even if it did, I feel I’d be too hesitant to have a relationship with anyone because I’m screwed up enough as it is and I don’t need to pile relationship issues on top of that. Still, I want a guy so badly. Maybe I’d feel better if someone other than my family could love me even if they knew all the crap that came with me. Is there anyone out there like that for me? I know there’s probably no one listening, but that’s okay. It’s nice just being able to write it down, get it out. I don’t feel any better, it’s just nice.

Porn-a-holic

We’ve talked about it, we’ve fought about it.

I’ve told him that I don’t like the fact that he stares at so many random naked strangers, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel my boyfriend is OBSESSED with porn. It seems like every time I walk out of the room, he opens up his ‘Secret Guy Stuff’ folder and starts browsing.

Maybe not EVERY time, but I’ve walked into the room enough times to glance at him quickly closing a window full of naked women sprawled when he hears me approaching to make me feel suspicious and uneasy every time I turn my back.

He does it so often that I wonder if it is normal. Sometimes he has even stayed up for hours, just looking at porn, way past the time I get in bed. Or, on other days he doesn’t even try to hide it and just stares at it for hours, seemingly all day long.

I try not to get jealous of these random strangers that he is ogling and basically eye-raping, but I really cant help it.

I hate it. Do I have to just get used to it? Is there any man who isn’t sexually obsessed out there?

I love my kids but hate my life since being a mom.

I have dedicated my life to being a good mom since having my three boys. They are all very strong willed which makes keeping behaviour very challenging. No one would understand this if they have compliant children. This temperament is something they are born with and it is not derived from parenting. No one understands this and when they see three unruly boys, I am automatically blamed as a poor parent. I have been given parenting tips from moms who have one child and it is a girl. I have always done my best to overachieve in life and accomplish really good results. I have tried many different strategies and doctors and I just can’t seem to make it better for our home. They are really rambunctious boys. I am beside myself. I at many times think that I hate being a mom, but I love my kids. And yes, I have seen a doctor and I am on antidepressants.

I want to be a CD/TV prostitute and escort

I am a long time, semi-passable CD/TV. I’ve been wishing an experienced transsexual Madam with a harem of “girls” would take what I am, tweak my looks and mannerisms and firmly guide me into a part time life as an acceptable CD/TV hooker and escort working for her. Yes, with pics of me online and lists of services provided and rates. Do in-calls and out-calls. Be rated on TER.

Fact is, I have a good job and have always had a decent life. It’s not about the money (altho that would be a turn-on), I think it’s about submission. First, to a demanding Madam who molds me into a “girl” that men would pay for. Then to the anonymous Johns who I don’t know and don’t care about who would use me for their own gratification. Logically, I know it’s a dangerous and probably unfulfilling life but the craving to prostitute myself is real and unrelenting.

I’ve thought about being a common cd bar slut just to satisfy my need but the weird excitement of knowing I’d be a working girl in a questionable trade would better feed my emotional need to be submissive. It’s scary to think that if I ever do this I’d probably fall into a death spiral of needing more and more until whoring becomes the entire focus of my life. Ohmygawd!

It’s a good thing there are no Madams around here since I KNOW I would do this given the opportunity. I don’t pretend to understand it. But I hope I can resist the urge since I’m sure it would not be worth the pain.

I can’t get over him

Bare with me this a long one. I met this man (DB) when I was 15, I am now 29. He was my teacher my sophomore year in high school. There was a ton of chemistry between us but we never acted on it besides lots of flirting, occasional hugs, and “accidently” brushing up against each other while passing in the hall. I knew then that I loved him and that someday we would be together.

After that year he left the school I was at and we remained in touch through phone calls and occasionally meeting for lunch or dinner. I could tell then that he wanted me as much as I wanted him but we would not cross that line until I was at the age of consent.

When I graduated from high school I decided to stay at home and attend a local college to save money. By now I was 18 and legal, needless to say DB and I began sleeping together on a regular basis. I was 18 and he was 33 at the time. He had a girlfriend that I knew about, but he swore up and down he didn’t love her like he loved me and we just needed to wait until I was out of college to be together. (I know, I know it’s a line of crap, but I was young and naive).
(more…)

New Year’s kiss

It’s New Year’s Eve and I wish I was kissing you instead of my husband. I have wished this for the past 9 years. It hasn’t gotten any easier since you left me for her. I miss you like hell…