Body Angst

I’m smart, funny, talented, successful, well-loved by friends and family. But none of that seems to be as important to me as the fact that I hate my body. I work out and try to eat well but I will never be thin, unless I starve myself, which is something I’m not prepared to do. But I can’t help but think that men would treat me better if I were thinner…The last few guys haven’t worked out and I can’t help but think that if I just weighed 15 or 20 pounds less, things would have been so different. And everyone thinks I’m so confident, so I can’t tell anyone how much I hate the way I look. The pressure is overwhelming.

why

why has everything been going down the tubes for about 5 years now. i have small happy spirts , but it always ends. never stays. everything in life is so temperary, my friends, family, and happiness!!! my day goes as fallows….wake up , school,eat lunch alone, work till about 8 then go home finish homework, my chores, then cry myself to sleep…why is this my daily routine.

Jealous

I am insanely jealous of a bunch of my friends. I was always the “good girl” in school. School came first, good grades came first. My other friends put their passions for art first, as I wish I could. I’ve been attending a great college, but I’m in a BS major that I love but will probably never use, and I’ll probably just go on to Library Science anyway. It’s really the only thing I truly know.

All of my friends have turned their love for art into something they’ll be able to make money off of. One has gotten into an excellent fashion program, the other learning how to be a video game designer.

I almost want to smack them when they talk about their schoolwork, about working on level design projects and fashion history, while I’m learning about OSHA and labor law. I feel like I’m being punished for not being a “slacker” in highschool. My one friend was failing a bunch of her classes and now she’s where I want to be, but I never developed those skills as well because I thought I’d never use them, not did I have the time…

WHY?

you are my child you came OUT OF ME

I’M SORRY FOR WHO YOU HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE….FROM A DIABOLICAL TEENAGER TIL TODAY YOU HAVEN’T CHANGED A BIT….YOU HAVEN’T GROWN EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY OR SPIRITUALLY NOT ONE BIT AND I FEEL RESPONSIBLE…BUT YOU ARE NOT A CHILD ANYMORE AND YOU NEED TO STOP….YOU ARE MEAN, VICIOUS, MEAN SPIRITED, HATEFUL, YOU CUT WITH YOUR WORDS, YOU ARE MISERABLE, YOU HATE TO SEE ANY OF YOUR FAMILY HAPPY OR DOING GOOD FOR THEMSELVES…..

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE….YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT…..I WISH YOU WOULD BRING ‘THE BABY’ AND DROP ‘IT’ OFF….I WOULDN’T BE MAD IF YOU DISTANCED YOURSELF FROM ME…I WOULD HOWEVER HATE IT IF YOU KEPT MY GRANDCHILD FROM ME. I PRAY GOD WILL HEAL YOUR WOUNDS….TO MY KNOWLEDGE GROWING UP YOU WERE NEVER MOLESTED IN OUR HOME, YOU NEVER MISSED A MEAL, YOU WERE NEVER LEFT WITH A BABYSITTER OTHER THAN YOUR GRANDPARENTS OR OTHER CLOSE FAMILY MEMBERS…I DON’T UNDERSTAND…GET COUNSELING…GET HEALED….HELP ME HELP YOU….

I DO ALL I CAN TO MAKE UP AND THAT’S STILL NOT ENOUGH….LAME…..YOU TREAT ALL OF YOUR SIBLINGS EXCEPT ONE LIKE SHIT…..AND YOU USE YOUR CHILD AS A WEAPON AGAINST MOST OF US….YET HER PATERNAL FAMILY ARE ALL DYSFUNCTIONAL AND YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE THE FACE THAT YOUR CHILD HAS US…………..

I DON’T UNDERSTAND……..WHEN WILL YOU STOP
WHEN WILL YOU GROW THE **** UP
WHEN WILL YOU HEAL
WHEN WILL YOU SEE HOW WRONG
HOW DESTRUCTIVE YOU ARE
WHEN WILL YOU GET IT

ONE DAY WE WILL BE FINISHED PUTTING UP WITH YOUR MEAN ASS SHIT AND WE WILL SAY ‘**** YOU’ GET THE **** OUT….

not willing to put up with BS to have a man

I’m 40 years old,been married 3 times,now divorced for the 3rd time,2 grown girls and a grand son.They live in a different state along with the rest of my family.I have no close friends outside of work.I am very social at work but when I get home I just want to be left alone.I’v had so many relationships with men that I am sick of them,all the relationships that I have had have been physically & mentially abusive on their part,I have been beat to the point by my first husband that I lost 2 children.The others stopped working and expected me to support them.I am the kind of woman who doesn’t take BS and kicked them to the curb.I am not willing to put up with,drugs,hitting,cheating or any of the other BS just to have a man.I’m afraid I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life.I would never tell anybody this in person.

My ex called me about my son

I have an 11 yr old & a 7 yr old, both boys, with my ex wife. My ex wife called me crying hysterically. She said that her 6 yr old daughter (of whom she had with the guy she’s with now) told her that my 11 yr old got on top of her and started rubbing himself on her. She also said that he told her not to tell mom. When my ex confronted my son, he first lied, then when he saw that she was crying, he confessed that he did. When she asked why, he told her because he had seen it on t.v. I could not believe what I was hearing. I asked to talk to him on the phone. He was crying and I told him, in a calm but stern voice, to stop crying and to pay very close attention. I first told him that his mom and I loved him very much. That he was not a bad person, however that what he had done was very bad. I asked him if it was true and he cried out that it was. I asked him why, and he told me because he had seen it on t.v. I asked him if anyone had ever done that to him and he told me no.

I don’t know what to do or to believe. He has never shown any signs of having these kinds of thoughts and up till now he seemed like a very good kid. Good grades in school and no complaints from his teachers ever.

Even though we are divorced and I live in another city about 3 hours away. I go down to see my kids and family about 2-3 times a month. I do things with my sons everytime I go down there. We go on camping trips. We go swimming, to the museums, to the amusement parks, to the movies, etc. I love them to death and would give my life infinity times over for them. I am lost and don’t know what to do at this point.

My ex wife hit him at that moment that she found out, which I told her was not a good move, but I understood how she felt. It terrifies me that there is a chance that someone has abused my son when I haven’t been around and he thinks this is normal behavior, and the fact that he told the little girl not to tell their mom tells me that he knows that what he was doing was wrong.

My mom has recommended us taking him to a child psychologist. I just don’t know what to do at this point.

I’m thinking of quitting my job and moving back closer to my kids.

Way back in the day…

I stole money from a retail store called Ups-N-Downs. I took $250 from the cash register. I faked a return and had another sales person help me. She was so young and I was stupid, thinking I could get away with it. I had her tear off buttons and blow cigarette smoke on a jacket. I filled out a return for cash form and I gave myself $250. I think it was more, I can’t remember. Anyway, a couple of weeks went by and nothing happened, so I thought I got away with it.

I wasn’t doing to well in my sales. I sold shoes better than I sold clothes. I was an Asst. Manager and I needed to be more prodcutive, but it just wasn’t working. One day, the District Manager came in with a few others and announced they were doing an audit on the store. My heart started to pound; pound right out of my chest.

They pulled me aside, and I just knew they were going to get me for the stolen money. But they didn’t. They said because my sales were so poor they were going to transfer me to another store, part-time. I was pissed. But relieved at the same time. I transferred to the other store but I just didn’t fit in.

I left that retailer and started a job at different retail store. Things started out pretty good until I got a call from my previous employer. I got busted. They called me in their offices and confronted me with all the information they had. I was so humiliated and embarrassed. I told them…get this…that I needed the money for an abortion! What a dummy! They said if I didn’t return the money, I would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The district Manager said when I filled out the return for cash form, if I had used a friend’s address and phone number, I may have gotten away with it. When they called the name and number I put on the form, which was fake, that’s how they busted me. I freaked out. I mean, really freaked out!

I had a boyfriend at the time and I told him what I did. I told him the same story. He was a good guy and brought me the money from his paycheck. You have to understand that back in the 80′s, it was like it was now. But I was younger, no college and I was hanging on by a thread.

He bought it too. And not only that, I lost my job at the other retailer store too. I was desparate. I hated myself. I came really close to killing myself because I wasn’t raised that way and my parents would have so disappointed. I finally moved on from there but it was hard. It took me a long time to go forward.

I TELL LIES

I’m 100% sure that I’m a compulsive liar.

I lie to make myself look and feel better, I lie to get out of trouble, I lie to ruin people I hate and I can’t help it. I try not to lie. I tell myself ” You are going to stop telling people (insert lie I tell often here)” and then it just slips out and after I’m like “wtf, why did I say that??”.

The big problem is…I’m a really really good liar too. So I never get caught and nobody will never know cause I’ll never tell and therefor, I’ll never get help. So I will always be a liar.

I know…it’s terrible.

Making Babies

I want a child so bad it hurts. I’m single with almost zero prospects of a serious relationship. I’m only 23, but I have medical issues that can make it hard if not impossible to have children, and as time goes on, the chances lower.. I’m thinking of stopping my birth control and having an “accidental on purpose” conception. I will never trap anyone into anything, but at the same time I can’t take a child away from a father, even if he doesn’t know the child exists. I never imagined I could do this, but as time goes on, I’m seriously considering it..