Alone

I feel lonely. I’ve been hiding it from other people and let them see a new “improved” me. I am a shy and quiet person, and I want to change that image form other people. I am not much of a people person either, and I am longing for friends. I do have a boyfriend who loves me as me, but sometimes, I want too to have friends. It doesn’t matter to me if I have less than 5 people whom I can call true friends.

I envy other people with so many contacts and friends. I’m willing to change little by little. Day after day.

I want to prove to them that I can change. That I am one of the best people they’d meet. I’m happy with my boyfriend–my best friend, lover and soulmate, but there are times I am longing for a friend too. Whom i can hang around with, call in good and bad times, someone who accepts me as ME.

I’m thinking of joining a club in our town for a fresh start.

I LOVE HER

I am a girl, i like a girl who has a girlfriend. No one knows i like her, because no one knows i like girls. This is ripping me apart inside because i don’t know if i like guys two so i can’t tell anyone. but i don’t know because i have never kissed either sex. I am so confused but all i know is that I LOVE HER. i have never had a proper conversation with her, she is in one of my classes and sits on the other side of the room so have never had the opportunity, but i have pretty much turned into a stalker. I am so in love, all i want to do is see her all the time.

I’m not attracted to my boyfriend.

I never was attracted to him.. I love him with all my heart, and always will.. but everytime I call him gorgeous it’s a lie.. :(

This good girl is NOT finishing last…

So I recently discovered some incriminating messages in my BF’s cell and all he could tell me was that he was joking… whateve, those didn’t sound like jokes to me. That’s ok though, there’s an old saying, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” we’ll see how he likes me “joking” with all of my male counterparts at school. I’m tired of being the good girl and getting hurt, I’m turning the tables and I’ll bask in the impending chaos that is sure to happen.

I Hate Myself: but, Oh! – to be a Woman (I guess I feel shameful too…)

I just finished my first semester @ graduate school – lets just say I’m going into a profession involving the ethical distributing of services to individuals in need or crisis. I’m doing much better than I was a year ago but nevertheless:

Everyone in my life thinks I have been clean for 1 year from a bad oxycontin and heroin sniffing habit that developed for 9 years – yet I have slipped up a few times – nobody but my caseworker knows about this.

I just completed my final papers – but I completely forged 1/3 of one and lied to my friends/family/girlfriend about it. In addition, I also lied about my finishing a different final paper to those same individuals. The paper is now late. I sent an email to the proffesor and attached a document which I plan on passing off as having mailed it by mistake. I hope my professor buys it! I hate to do such a malicious thing but, I couldn’t manage my time…a-gain. A.M-f’ing-gain. – I need to write the other one tomorrow or i’m pretty sure she’ll catch on and I’ll really be screwed.
(more…)

Hair

I have a disease, which causes excess hair growth. Throughout the past couple years, I’ve been noticing more hair on my body. Because of this, I’ve shied away from many things including men.
Right now, I found out that someone really likes me and I like him too. But I’m afraid he’ll notice my flaws. As time passes, I’m slowly taking care of this problem with treatments. But I think I should tell him ahead of time instead of him finding out randomly some time down the road. I don’t know what to do or say..

I don’t feel guilty about it

I’m 31 years old and I have been having sex with a married man for about 2 years. It’s not a relationship, honestly we just use each other for sex and it really means nothing to either of us. I don’t feel sorry about it or guilty, I have no feelings about getting caught…it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. I haven’t had the best experiences with relationships and this just seems like the only thing I can handle right now. But I sometimes fear that this may be the only thing that I can handle. Sex is just so much easier than actually trying to work at a relationship. It is so much easier than giving my heart and past to someone and being rejected. Everyone around me is moving on, getting married, having children and I’m just stuck.

Lies

I’ve lied about horrible things to people to make them feel sorry for me. I do it out of habit, and I always feel rotten afterwards..

I hated making out with you. I’m sorry..

I had to tell someone what I did. I’m a girl, I got too drunk last night, and I was at a friend’s, and she said that we could get very drunk because it was her house, blah.. The thing is, we ended up making out, and touching each other on her bed. I feel so disgusted, it’s like a hate myself. I don’t wanna touch myself anymore. I feel the only way I can make the feeling go away is by making out with a guy, or something. It’s not as if I’m homofobic, but I didn’t wanna do that. Besides, her ways of kissing are not the greatest..If only I could turn back time..

The Affair

I spent an entire day drawing and making love to a married man. I’m a 21 year old college student who everyone believes is a virgin. He’s a well known minister in my church and the father of a beautiful 1 yr old boy.

It was the best day of my life.

Weird resemblence

Yesturday I watched a complete season of a show I’d never seen bofore. As I analyzed the main character’s reactions, actions and situation…it was as if I was seeing myself. Although I hadn’t gone through the same ordeals he was still in greif and the, suddenly it hit me! That was what I had become…reckless, insenstive to my body’s physical and emotional pain and obssesed by one thing. Then another thing happed, during one of the episodes, the charcter reavealed he had been abused and since then had become reckless, and didn’t care infiltrating the world of prostitution. I watched all the episodes and it was as if I was seening myself. So many things connected me to the main character. Although I have never done prositution, I had thought about it in my teen years when we could barely make it through winter. I felt as if whatever it would be it could never be worst than being abused my my own father. The show helped me look at the character’s actions through a critial eye, and better understand myself. Unfortunately it didn’t help me find a way to share my terrible secret with my mother. My brother shall never know I’ll make sure of it … he doesn’t need to know, but my mother does. I’m fed up of her thinking that man was an angel. The way she talks about him as if he was a hero makes me sick. The fact it went on for years and she either never found out or knew and didn’t say a word makes me sick! Somehow seening that show made me think… I’ve gone this far on my own and its only a begining!

Be nice forever

When i was a little girl my older brother made a deal with me. He could molest me as long as he was nice to me forever. It didnt last long and i didnt like him for a very long time but now, ten years later, we are friends and i love him to death. How should this have impacted my life? Cause it seems to me that it never did..