I´m pregnant with my teacher.

I´m in college and I had sex with one of my teachers for about two months. Yesterday I found out I´m pregnant with him. I still can´t believe it. I´m going to have an abortion and no one will have to find out. Ever. I hate myself for being such a slut.
I wish it had never happened.

I´m so sorry.

Searching for the best way to End It.

My search for ”the best way” brought me to your page. I confess I am looking for the perfect way to end my life at 50.

Sure, there are lots of ways of doing it, but I have to think about the mess someone has to clean up, hurting someone else “while” doing it isn’t who I am. I can’t trash the car, the family needs it. I can’t do a hot bath in a hotel, some poor minimum wage women will find that sight in the morning. I just can’t inflict that on someone. Finding ”the body” has to be given thought and care. I don’t care what condition I am in when found. I just don’t want to cause some stranger pain. They have their own problems.

There has to be a way that will work, I can do without a doctor and won’t screw things up for others! There has to be a way that ”works for everyone”, so to speak!!
Now I know that sounds clinical, but that is how I look at it. I have been brought up to a life of servitude. Care for others before myself. I have no value, everyone else comes first……. blah blah blah….
So, in ending it, I will be the same.
My life is nothing and I am just a spot on the planet. Not a very important spot either.

It will happen, I just need to find the perfect way to do it, so I don’t damage someone in the process. After I am gone, my ”family” will heal. Sure, they will ask if they caused it, for about 5 seconds.

I have poured my heart and soul into my family for so long and they barely know I’m alive now. So it won’t be a problem when I’m gone. My birth son got married to a girl who hates us and won’t come to our home so she can have my son to herself. We used to be very close and open speaking with each other. Now, my son won\’t come over either. Doesn’t call, I never see him or talk to him.

My husband is a verbally and emotionally abusive bully who I think has severe problems. We were getting along so well, and once he realized it, he picked a fight and called me all those horrible names again and now I sleep on the couch just to have some peace. I went from a brutal and abusive childhood to my first shitty marriage and a second shitty marriage.

I was treated like shit as a kid, in 2 marriages and now. It doesn’t take a brick dropped on my head to figure out that this is what I deserve and it just won’t ever get better. EVER!

The kids are grown now and proven they don’t need me anymore and I just want out. Bills, fights, disappointment, no love, loneliness, being fat and ugly that my husband doesn’t touch me anymore and he just lost his job AGAIN!! I just want out.
I just hate myself and what I have become. I can’t stand ME or my life anymore. I can’t take it anymore! That’s all.

I am a very task oriented individual and will take this new task on in the same manner. I was taught at an early age to do everything the RIGHT way. so, this will be the right way too! Make it the best, make it work; make it something you can be proud of.
So when you hear of middle aged women in the suburbs of Chicago being found somewhere…. It’s probably me, finally!!

If only i could forget…

I keep trying to forget in every possible way but it keeps hunting me back at night. My huncle used to perv on my when i was younger between the age of 4 and 9. He was over 40. He used to create games when we were alone where he used to push him self upon me and touch me in a certain way. I had no idea what was going on and only realized what he was doing when i got older and i have no dubts now of what he was doing. It couldnt have gotten any worst because as much as i was young it always felt weird to me and i was a smart kid but i didnt think i had to worry as he was family. It makes me sick. I somehow feel guilty for letting it happen because i always felt there was something wrong with it but did not know what to do. I hate him and i want to make him pay for what he is making me feel now but i dont know what to do. It was over 10 years ago but as time gets by i only feel worst about it. I honestly think he has no idea i remember or realize but now we are not talking dued to other family issues but i really want him to know i remember everything but i cant now because it would hurt my grand mother (his mother) too much.. I really want to make him pay for what i feel now but i dont know what to do. I have nightmares about it where i confront him and he starts getting abusive. I try to forget but i cant. I wish i could ignor it and move on with my life but I want revenge.

I’m a hypocrite and a liar.

To my husband:

I have cheated on you several times, one of which was with a good friend of yours and I know by the end of 2009 I will be unfaithful again. The bad thing is, I dont feel guilty but I wont tell you because I know it will kill you. I love you as much I am able to love anything or anyone.

Sorry
x

Hate being a mom

I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!

cheater

Im 23 years old. I fell in love with a girl who was a virgin. She loved me with everything she had. She talked of kids and marriage( I know she meant every word). I was the most horrible person to her. I did her love her but I just had a lot of problems. I cheated on her a couple of times with my ex and lied about things. I eventually figured out that I was/am a sex addict. Everytime I cheated or lied to her I hated myself more and more but the cycle kept on. She tried for 2 long years trying to get me to go to counseling and everything. She finally left me 4 months ago. I dont blame her(she was just trying to be happy), but as the days pass I realize more and more how much she actually means to me and how lucky I was. Everyday I hate myself for what I did to her. She is the most beautiful thing to grace my life. My heart feels as if I will never be happy with myself again for the pain i caused(I guess i deserve this). If I only had one more chance I would try so hard and if it didnt work i could live with that but just knowing that I was so fucked up and stupid about it in the past just leaves me up in the air. So I guess a life of misery is what lays ahead of me. I just hope im strong enough to eat the sorrow everyday and not kill myself and take the easy way out. I love you so much, If I could die and take back all the bad things I would in a heartbeat. I may find someone again but I know they wont compare to you or love me as much as you did. Everyday I’ll think of you and when I lay down to sleep youll always be on my mind. You are the one for me and you know that but your in a new relationship with one of your old friends( i think its just for comfort).I hope you come back to me one day when im more put together and let me show you who i really am. Its gonna be so hard to hear about when you get married, and when you get pregnant by another man. Im sure when I hear the news I’ll fall to the ground and cry. Im getting a tattoo with the words “Im sorry” just in case I ever forget the pain I caused you. Best wishes love of my life.

RIP

Somebody I cared about died this morning and I was not the friend I should have been.

Destiny?

I feel as though all the most important people to me, with real meaning for my life, don’t feel the same way. I feel I disappointed my mother, and that dad isn’t too proud of me. I fear my wife will one day listen to me and see she really is a strong person, and will leave me, and take our son with her.

I wasn’t always the nice guy growing up, and I think those vibes are haunting me now. I will pay for the people I hurt, and my payment will be loneliness.

Dear Mom,

I was raped. 4 times actually. Can’t tell you. Can’t tell anyone. I’m afraid, afraid of what people will think. I know i lie, but not about something this big. I wanna let you know that I became pregnant not because I sleep with everyone, cause I don’t, but because I was raped. I can’t help but think you won’t believe me. I need you more than ever right now, I need someone to comfort me and make me feel alright again. I guess i’ll have to wait for that.

A little short on payday

Can’t make the morgage so I had to raid my daughter’s piggy bank…

I am the lowest of low…

mother dearest

i know i tell you everything, but today when you looked at me and said “i feel like there is a whole other side of you i dont know” …you were right. starting in 8th grade i began lying to you. telling you i was somewhere when i wasnt and all that. but then i stopped after 8th grade until the end of 9th. i wen to college partys with older friends i met through cheer. i hooked up with 19 and 20 year olds at 15. i let them finger me. you thought me and my boyfriend freshman year we so innocent but we werent…i would go to his house while you were still at work and we would do sexual things until his mom came home then i sneaked out and came home and said i was at a friends house. i got drunk for my first time at the end of freshman year. this past summer, i got drunk, high, did ectasy, shrooms, snuck out a few times a week. i was barely sober. i was never were i said i was. i lost m virginity with my ex. this year i was starting fresh…the other night i snuck out and went to a rave. me and my boyfriend have sex. i drink sometimes. smoke weed sometimes. bought a bong. and i know that we are a very christian family…but i feel like i lost touch in 7th grade..so i started all this. i broke up with my boyfriend cuz i lost interest and now like another guy and everyone hates me. im depressed. need to find god again..i know that…but i dont want to. i have no one. sorry im not the christian, perfect, cheerleader, surfer girl, track star, perfct boyfriend, and nice friends girl that you think i am. i think you know i lie to you…but you wont admit it because i tell you everything that isnt bad. and you love the thought of you being my bestfriend…but you would murder me if you knew the truth…but you dont care s long as i get good grades. i lerned this shit from dad.

love,
your 16 year old daughter