Secret Confessions

5 years ago , i remember. i was addicted to this online game . i go to this cybercafe EVERYDAY just to play that damn game . so… i saw you online. seeing that you have a lady username . i decided to talk to you and make friends .

we talked and talked. like good friends , although we only knew each other for less than a day.Before i log out , i just said “hey , i love you” . she said “thats what all guys says….” .

i went home and think , if what i said was correct . i mean , its less than a day , and i actually told someone that i love her? what?

so , for the next 2-3 weeks . we talked even more . getting closer to each other . like lovebirds already. she gave me her phone number , we’ll always talk on phone and stuff. we’ll send each other love messages to our cellphones and stuff.

soon after those love sessions we have , i get to know this another girl . shes hot and stuff. so , i start ignoring HER , going for that hot girl and stuff. before i know , shes already deeply in love with me . i was young . i have NO understanding about human relationships . all i want is to have fun .

so… that hot girl actually still love her ex-boyfriend . meaning i got played out . FINE , thinking back again . SHE was the one for me . she loved me with her heart . not caring who i am and stuff . so i asked her , if i still have a chance to “be together” with her . and yes , she gave me a chance. well , we’re back in those days again . happily ever after. UNTIL i found this yet another girl.

i was that foolish to give her up for this another girl . and the same thing happens again . i got played out again . and i decide to find her back again. well . this time , she says something like . “i still love you alot , but i will forget you one day” . being a extreme newbie on relationships in the past , i didnt know the seriousness of that message . well . i still can remember what she told me on my birthday . when we was chatting on msn . she told me “its very hard loving you , (my name)” . at that moment , i felt really painful in my heart. how i wish i can get another chance back again . but sadly , she has already given up on me , although she still love me alot .

time past…. we didnt really talk to each other much another . 6 months later . i gave her my cellphone number . so she messaged me , saying that its someone that cares for me . i know its her because i somehow remembered her cellphone number. i tell her , i wanna see you . can we PLEASE meet up? she says , no , i dont meet strangers . its alil painful in my heart but yes , we are strangers . so i started messaging to her everyday . giving her sweet good night messages . hoping that one day she might give me another chance or something . soon , she told me that she have a boyfriend already but i know that shes just trying to forget me , and making me forget her .but i was shattered , i didnt know what to do . all i can think is how stupid i am in the past to actually let her go .

another year pass . i still cant forget her . its really a pain to actually think of her everynight , and actually cry. time goes on , i’ve to actually think of an “excuse” to talk to her . and everytime , how i wish i have the courage to go “hey , i still love you…” but my balls shrink when the time comes.

yet another year passed . this time , i found out that she have a boyfriend , for real. so , i think that its finally time for me to actually forget and move on . i deleted her cell number and her msn contact from my list . and from that day onwards , we lost contacts till recently.

recently , i just couldnt take the agony and pain anymore . i asked my godsister , she says that i should just contact her again . AS A FRIEND this time. well , i sent an offline message , asking if she still remembers me . well , she still do . but i dont have the balls to talk to her . maybe after my exams . i will . this time , i’ll really try my best to get her back.

if your reading this . i just wanna tell you.

I LOVE YOU.

I am so in awe of you. I want to be with you, I think you are the most wonderful person on the planet. You are so smart and so sexy, and you don’t even know how wonderful you are. She can’t possibly appreciate you the way I do. I have always said that I would never cheat on my partner, but if you asked me to, I would, with you. You are so …fantastic, I can’t even put it in to words. I adore you and every time I see you I get butterflies in my tummy. I have to pretend to be normal just to keep you talking, to keep you there so you don’t leave. I think of things to ask you so I can steal a few minutes of your time, staring at you and your beautiful eyes without looking weird. Argh, it’s because of you that I get up every morning to go to work. It’s because of you that I go to the gym, trying to improve my looks so maybe, one day, you might want me back. It’s because of you that I stay on after I finish at night, just to catch a glimpse of you before I go home to sleep. I thought I was over this obsession when I didn’t see you for three months, but it’s back all the stronger now that I see you every day again. It’s driving me crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I won’t say I love you, but I definitely could. You are everything I could want in a man and my partner is paling in comparison. He has no idea how strongly I feel about you.

it’s true, you’re so terrible yet you really think your good. I don’t have the heart to tell you the truth. you enjoy it so much. but there it is, you suck. now if you would please make way for someone with skills.

Hmmm….where to start so it will be understood….
I have been married for 10 years. Every year we go to the lake where she spent 1 month every summer and has friends to this day.
When we go to the lake now, she always finds a way to go to this girlfriends house alone.
Last year, while cleaning out the attic, I found a journal she wrote while she was a teenager. The girlfriend she always visits has a brother. He took her virginity and they were close for a long time.
This year, while we were at the lake, she did her visiting thing while I was out getting something for the lake house. When I got back, she was gone having left me a note that she had gone to see her girlfiend. Since I had the car, she had to walk. It started to storming real hard when she was supposed to come back. The power and phones were out. I drove over to pick her up and found 2 people in a car in her girlfriends driveway. They were necking. I watched for about 15 minutes because it was raining so hard. I finally got out and started toward the door of the house. As I passed the car, I saw that my wife and a guy (turned out to be that guy).
I knocked on the window of the car and she turned to see me.
I waved goodbye and went back to the lake house. I took me about 20 minutes to pack. I left her a note and started driving home. (We live 500 miles away). She didn’t come back to the lake house right away.
I didn’t get a phone call on my cell phone as I drove all the way home. It was a 12 hour drive with the lousy traffic around DC and the fact that I was so upset.
I arrived home and started packing my stuff at home. She still hadn’t tried to stop me.
I piled up all the things she gave me on our bed.
I left the day after I got home. I had not received a call or anything from her.
When she finally did get back to town, she called me. Left me a nasty message about how could I leave here there, why didn’t I want to answer her call, how could I do such a rotten thing, etc…
I finally answered her call and we talked. She tried to apologize to me and tell me that it was “an innocent thing”. She said that he was going to drive her back to the house where we were staying and he leaned over and kissed her. Funny, it seemed to me that she was really enjoying the necking session before I caught her.
Should I take her back?
Should I give her the benefit of doubt?
How can I ever trust her again?

I met her when I was just transferred to my new primary school. In the beginning I used to tease her till she hated me. But after half a year, we grew close. Wrote letters to each other, talked to each other every day. She lived near me. Her birthday was in the same month as mine. We all had our flaws, but one thing I could never get over was her selfishness.

Could never imagine a person to be so selfish after all these years of friendship. Perhaps was the closeness that made the person more direct to you. Saying ‘no’ whenever she did not feel like it, disregarding of your feelings. Always only doing as she pleased and rarely sparing a thought for your feelings. Making you feel like the friendship was one-way most of the time, like how you would feel in a one-sided relationship. I felt, sad. Constantly thinking of what I had to do to make her give a little back to me instead of just selfishly receiving from me.

In secondary school, she back stabbed me and she hurt me so bad. Until now, I cannot forget about the whole incident. I feel hatred and at the same time, always having to do nice things for her to cover up my real feelings towards her, which is hate. It is very tiring to have to keep pretending. But who will care anyway?

From what she tells me, about her boyfriend and her, doesn’t make me see her from another light. She gives him an option to come over or not, if he wants to see her. She doesn’t think much about rejecting his invitation to have dinner with his parents. Yeah, it’s not my business, but seeing my friend behaving this way, irks me, and I cannot reason why.

I think I am slowly drifting away from my best friend, and beginning to hate her. I cannot control my real emotions anymore and I’m afraid this friendship will end.

However, I always feel like I’m the only one trying to maintain it. She keeps me waiting whenever we meet regardless of knowing what ticks me off. She gives lame excuses when she wants to reject you. She has a bad attitude. Perhaps she feels that way about me too. I don’t know, and I don’t want to know stuff about her anymore.

We are so vastly different it’s shocking how we can even label ourselves as best friends in the first place. Maybe it was just a status, there was never anything real to begin with. I hate myself so much sometimes for trying to hold something together. Something that wasn’t meant to be…

I feel so hurt by her. Her words, her actions, or her no-actions.. I don’t know. I wonder time and time again whether our friendship meant anything at her to her. Perhaps it did but she doesn’t know how to show it. I wonder if she’ll ever read this someday and hate me for speaking ‘ill’ of her but in fact, this is all that I feel.

I know ppl may read this and think “she deserves it” and i would agree with you…see, my mother died three years ago when i was 14 and i felt numb…dead practicly until i got unto a chat room and i met this girl, we became friends…i started liking her more than a friend should have…yes yes am a girl, shes a girl…i didnt see it coming either, i guess it was just an ironic spin of fate that i realised that am bi in the worst moments of my life…yay more confusion please. The thing is…i fell in love with her and i just wanted a new life for a few seconds. to forget everything bad my life had, so i invented my alter ego i guess…a guy…and she fell in love with him, me…i havent lied about how much i love her, i havent love anyone like this…she made me happy when i thought i couldnt be…after the five years my mom fought cancer she died…and after all those years of feeling numb…useless cause i couldnt make the cancer go away…my friend…my gilfriend made me smile for the first time…truly smile…not the hollow that everyone in my family kept giving each other…ive been with her for three years now…and all i can think of is…am never going to be with her really…ill have to tell her and she will hate me and…and i cant stop myself to be selfish for a bit more so i keep lying to her…ill tell her, i will, i want to cause i know am doing something horrible to her…but am too selfish…
do i really love her as much as i feel, then why the **** am i such a horrible person?

Ive always wished for a summer romance and now I wish I hadnt. See I run on an AAU track team and this year our coach happened to be an 18 year old guy named jake. I knew jake because we had trained in the past together for track on a club team. We started the season off just flirting innocently but one month into summer I started to feel things for him. The more I was around him, the more I realized how much I wanted to be with him. Rumors spread that he liked another person our team though, so I immediately tried to lay off. But just couldn’t stop feeling things for him, as much as I denied it to myself. After the season closed, I texted him one night, asking him to meet me at the track. After talking for hours, we admitted to having liked each other during the season. Now he’s leaving for college and my heart is in pain because i feel I missed out on what could have been an amazing romance.

oh god where to begin! i was born in a middle class family where my mom worked all day to make ends meet. my dad being a very strikt teacher, always stayed at home and we led a millitary life. we were locked in our house all day, except for schools,as our parents were outside. so, mixing with our neighbours and having a regular chilhood was out of the question. we went to school but as i was shy, i made a few friends. after graduation i married the boy next door and my parents were strictly against it. i had to go through a lot of turmoil to get them to agree. finally after 7 years of dating, i married my beloved. we have two kids and every thing was right but last year he told me that he slept with a hooker. he begged forgiveness but i had no other chioce but to forgive him. after that he has gone through many psychological problems and sleeps seperately. he claims that he has back ache but the doctors found nothing. so, here i am ,sleeping in the other room with my two kids for the last 4 years. i feel cheated an stabbed in the back. i feel really tempted to cheat on him but i could not. i tried to cheat but the touch of another man touching me feels yucky. he also stays aloof saying he is sick. i am sooo alone. i feel like the only parent to my children.i feel like running far away from him.

I swear if I stay here for one more week I’ll go completely insane. See my boyfriend thought it would be a ‘good idea’ to come and visit my mother, I told him time and time again that I didn’t think it would be a good idea; I mean don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t love my mother but I moved away to a whole new country for a reason, it’s just a bit impossible to live with the women she’s always butting in and is always trying to boss me around. Well even though I didn’t want to at the end I gave in and now where here at my mothers house we’ve been here for only a week and I already want to leave but we had promised her that we would stay for two weeks… well now he sees his mistake and keeps telling me that he can’t wait till we’re gone so I guess this occasion calls for an “I told you so”. I just can’t wait till I’m able to leave, It’s just that me and my mothers relationship works better at long distance.

I keep going red at work and feel uncomfortable in my new job and its really affecting me. I am highly qualified experienced etc. but find it difficult trying to deal with lots of confrontation in an open plan office where there are so many “know it alls”. I try to keep positive but find myself dreading going in and feel unappreciated and its affecting my self esteem as don’t feel performing as well as I should.

God i hate his parents! Everytime they come to visit it s like I dont exist! I wanted to go to Gozo for the past 3 months and now tom he s taking them there for lunch! Obviously I am working so i cannot go and even if i did they didnt even invite me! I cant wait till they go back to where they belong!!!!

I like it when you say you only sleep with me because of how I look and want nothing to do with me relationship-wise. It makes me feel so good about how I look, I take it to mean that I don’t need to have a fantastic personality to make up for mediocre looks to get guys. Because you are beautiful, and I stare at you in your sleep.

My mom and her chipper-ness and exuberance annoys me. Sometimes she’s my best friend.

My dad is an alcoholic and smokes even though he knows that my mom and me absolutely HATE it when he does.

My aunts are clueless

I pretend to like my grandmother

My grandfather (I) is a retired teacher and most likely knows more than I do education-wise but everybody knows when he has no CLUE what he’s talking about and I feel embarrassed for him

My other grandfather is a FLIRT in every possible way. He sleeps with this married chick half his age and everyone in the family, even a couple 8-year olds know it

And I’m obnoxious. I admit it.

I’m 14 years old.

I have been self harming for almost 2 years and I’ve been suicidal twice.
I’m not scared of suicide because I don’t have the guts to do it. I doubt I ever will. I love my friends and family too much.
That makes me sad. Because no matter out I will never escape. I’ll have to live through it all.

People think I’m too young to feel anything and that I’m attention seeking. They don’t understand.

I slept with my best friend’s husband and I’m not sorry about it. Truthfully, I hated her secretly and wanted to hurt her. I like to think of her being angry and hurt and I hope she cries every night. I did it the day after they got back from their honeymoon and I have been doing it ever since. I want to tell her so I can watch her cry. I want to tell her it’s all her own fault. She doesn’t deserve him. She’s an idiot and I want to tell her all the things that are wrong with her and I want to tell her that he’s the best sex I ever had and I know that she’s not good enough for him. I am happy when I hang out with her and know that I’ve just had sex with him. I pretend to date other men when the truth is, I want him to leave her and tell her that she’s totally worthless.