Not Scared Enough

There are things I do… bad things, which I fear to mention even here for legal reasons.

The problem is, I am not scared enough. There is very high risk involved in what I do; not of death, but of an utterly destroyed life. I feel like if I were discovered, my life would drop into an abyss of loneliness and despair, and that case may well drive me to suicide if it were ever to happen.

However, I continue my actions. This is no drug, with no addiction, simply something I like to do. And I know I need to stop, but my willpower is strange in the way that I can go on and stay on a diet for eleven months straight and lose almost 110 pounds, but I cannot stop this simple thing.

And I just needed to vent.

I CAN’T FORGET MY PAST…

WHEN I WAS 14-15 I WASNT POPULAR AT SCHOOL , AND HADN’T ALOT OF FREINDS BECAUSE I WAS A SENSIBLE AND A SHY GIRL…AND I USED TO SEE ALL MY CLASS MATES(GIRLS) GOING OUT WITH GUY AND ORGANIZING DINNERS AS A GROUP! I WAS JEALOUS AND ANGRY AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE NONE OF THEM INVITED ME TO SOMETHING…SO I TOOK A REVENGE AND I WENT OUT WITH 8 GUYS AT THE SAME TIME EVERYWEEKEND! I USED TO FLIRT WITH EVERYGUY AND SOMETIMES GIVE THEM ORAL…I WAS STILL A VIRGIN AT THE TIME.. I COULDNT REFUSE TO GIVE THEM PLEASURE…BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT THIS WAY I WOULD BE LIKE MY CLASS MATES AND BECOME POPULAR !AND THEY USED TO THREATEN ME AND TOUCH ME HARDLY…BUT I CONTINUED TO PLEASE THEM…I DIDNT KNW THAT BITCHING WAS SOMETHING HORRIBLE….TILL THIS TIME , I STILL CANT FORGET THE DAY I USED TO HAVE THINGS WITH THOSE GUYS, BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY AND PAIN AND HURT AND ASHAMED OF MYSELF AND BECAUSE I CAN’T TELL MY PARENTS :( IF THEY WILL KNOW ABT WHAT I DID, THEY WILL NOT SPEAK TO ME AGAIN!I WOULD HAVE CAUSED A DAMAGE TO THE FAMILY!

Change

I’m about to start cutting off our frequent contacts together. Well to be honest I don’t have a car anymore and because of that I can’t surprise you at work and see your face light up. I won’t be able to do the things that I used to. I’ve been praying for change and I wonder….yes I wonder, is this it? Is this the start of change that I need in my life. I’ve even considered talking to a friend as I’ve already called and am waiting for a call back. I want to be whole and right now I don’t think I can do this on my own. You have no idea how deep I feel for you. You love your husband even thought you questioned it in the beginning, but you have made it clear to me that you do. I would never hurt you like he has or I would never put you second like he has, but he has been coming around and I’m happy that he is wising up.

We are the best of friends and I love it that way. I think of you as the younger sister that I never had and always wanted. I love your heart and I think I always will, but I have nothing to offer you and you have much more to lose. I need to start this distance, but I don’t know how and I also don’t want to. I just don’t know what to do.

I do not want to hurt you, but I need to see you as the friend that I cherish instead of the “almost lover”, and right now I’m not able to do that.

Oh God I just know that I’m going to hurt you somehow and this is going to kill me….

Cheater

I hate it when people say “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Because I am trying so damn hard to prove them wrong.

And I’m failing….

POTTY MOUTH

we all hate you for al the cursing you do
at work it is really not necessary you can get your point across without cursing
also MS.RUDE we are all sick & tired of hearing you tell us about what you and your girlfriend do if you are lesbian who cares just tone it down we don’t want to hear abot your sex life anymore i know you will read this I say this to help you you look like a FOOL and don’t even know it

All confused about my ex

I am 34, divorced, a single mother, and am middle class. After my seperation I dated someone (live out bf, who i wanted to be a live in) for about 3 years, off and on. We had a somewhat turbulent relationship. I was still sort of getting over my ex husband for part of the time. He helped me do that. He helped me feel i could make it on my own. Eventually he said he didn\’t feel important but i felt we had come a really long way and were better. Anyhow he broke it off finally for reals.

A few months after i met someone else and started dating this guy. What a super nice and sweet guy too! We are now living together an aside from somewhat boring sex and him being pretty busy with his life (writing a book and stuff), we have NO issues.

I asked my ex bf out for a drink and one thing lead to another and yes we had sex, and we did so about once a week for a month.

I have completely realized i still love my ex. I told my ex, and he seems to be scared to go out with me again.

I feel i have to end it with my partner and he didnt do anything at all to deserve this… I am afraid to do this because my child is rather attached to my new bf. Also because i love him, i am just so confused feeling that my ex is really the “one”. And whats even nuttier is that my ex does not seem to share these sentiments.

I could go on, get therapy, maybe anti-depressants and start to ignore my ex. We are no longer having sex. I feel if i tell my it will hurt him so much and thats so unfair. Also i could make a life with my bf, he is a good guy allt he way around. PErhaps i should just forgive myself, stay w. bf and get some meds to help me get over my ex? I am kind of pretty confused.

I am not an evil person, and i do not want to hurt people! I am not writing this to be judged but to sort of get a sense of what to do. Break with bf, live alone yearning for my ex, and hurt my kid and this sweet man? Make a huge play for my ex since i truly truly love him!???And hurt all? Or just forget my ex?

HELP

i have been lying to everyone at work they all think i am married to some rich guy when really i’mnot i’m in alot of debt and stay at home i just wanT everyOne to like me
i have no friends and that’s sad people are fRIENDLY to me but never invite me out all i wanT is a true friend i have a GREAT BOYFRIEND HE LOVES ME BUT THIS LIE I TOLD
I HAVE TO KEEP UP WITH IT EVERYDAY WHY DID I DO IT I HATE MYSELF I LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD THAT I INVENTED TO ESCAPE MY LIES

We had a threesome!

Over the weekend my husband and I had a threesome with another man. It was absolutely incredible! We had a great time. I was so excited, I wanted to tell someone but that of course was out of the question. I was so happy I found this website because here I can.

I Want Him Again. I Always Will

I’ve been with you since I was sixteen and you were twenty-two, I am now 30. You stole my youth and I hate you for it, Remember the guy I cheated on you with about a year into our relationship, The one you fought with, the one I always wondered about, I think I may have loved him at one time. I saw him at a bar a few weeks ago, and I went home with him. My friend called and told his friend I was still with you, and his face changed towards me at that moment. If it wasn’t for that “Friend” of mine, ruining the moment; I would have f**ked his brains out, I would have rode him all night long until we were both raw. Instead he sucked on my tits and we fell asleep we didn’t even exchange numbers, I doubt he’d ever call even if we did. You ruined my chance with him again just by your name being mentioned, you took me away,. away from everything and everyone,.. you took my life, my happiness, my self-esteem, my everything, and now I just want it all back,..but its all gone…and just you remain,…I hate you but I love you so much,.. you are a part of me,.. I just can’t let go of,…Ever since I saw “Him” I can’t stop thinking of being with him even though I know he never really wanted me,.. I still wonder if he did. The only thing I feel bad about is that he never asked for my number. I don’t feel bad for you or about going home with him, with the intentions of cheating on you,..I feel no Guilt,.. only pity for Myself.

Immense self hate

For about two years now, I have been living with a shadow of irrational self-hate. Or at least, that’s what it feels like. I can’t accept any praise, because I automatically assume that it’s always a big fat lie. I’m too paranoid to believe anyone else’s opinion of me, because in my mind, the only person that is truly honest about myself is me. I constantly worry about who I am becoming, and if I am turning out just like my father (he is a very close-minded man who is also extremely racist, homophobic and sexist). In my mind, I see myself as a horrible, hateful person prone to unrequired violent acts and spiteful words. In fact, I do not understand how people can stand being around me, and why my friends stay by my side. I feel like a disappointment to everyone. I self-harm (burning, picking at wounds until they bleeed, scratching), binge drink, starve myself…. Really- it feels like they’d be so much better without me. No, it feels like the world would be much better without me. One less mouth to feed, one less taking up precious oxygen- I feel like a waste of space and resources. These days, I honestly see no reason to why I should keep walking this earth. I cause my friends and family so much pain it just isn’t fair. I really think it would be better for all if I just quit living.

in love with a collegue

Im driving myself crazy thinking about a collegue.. He started the company about 6 mths ago and we got on from the start. The last few months we have been closer and by that i mean he emails and rings me constantly, compliments me and i often get eye contact with him. He is 10 years older than me, but that doesnt bother me. Anyway my problem is that, that is as far as it goes.. Every end of the week we go our seperate ways till its monday again when all the emailing and stuff starts again! I have fallen for him big time and think about him constantly, but dont know how he feels? Does he just see me as a mate? Some of the things he does are definitely flirty? But why hasnt he asked me out? Im shy and dont think i could handle the rejection if i asked him and he said no? I know he is single as he told my friene he is single and looking for a girl friend! Help! X

I think im in love

I think im in love with my best friend who is a girl ,im confused because im straight and have a boyfriend and she has a boyfriend , but for some reason i think about her all the time i have this huge sexual desire for her , sometimes im at her apartment and she comes out of the shower and sits next to me in her towel and all i want to do is …..you know. anyway her boyfriend is a total jerk who cheats on her and he moved away to another state , so now she spends all her time with me , i have been trying to see her less so this feeling can go away , but its hard , she calls me all the time and spends soooo much time with me i dont know what to do , i should not love her but at the same time i want to cause she is soo amazing im sooooo confused.