Almost.

Posted by in Alone on Jun 13th, 2008 | 1 comment

I almost killed myself a year ago.

I almost gave up my virginity to him.

I almost thought I could be happy.

Accident

Posted by in Fear on Jun 13th, 2008 | 4 comments

I accidentally hit a car in a parking lot and drove away.

I thought i was the one.

Posted by in Love on Jun 13th, 2008 | 0 comments

We were together but i ended it.. i regret it but its something i did.. you didnt want to get back. you were my first and i was your first. you say you love me and you always will.. we are friends now and im okay with it… honestly.. but the thing that kills me is today after we talked you told me that your love life is on hold because when the right girl comes back to you.. it will be active again.. and i thought i was the one.. but i was mistaken.. even though the same time you told me who the girl was.. you still do love me.. and you still admit you do. why am i not the one, after everything we have been though.. after all those years of you wanting me and loving me!!

Can’t shake it.

Posted by in Love on Jun 12th, 2008 | 1 comment

She kicked me out over a year and a half ago for some guy she met online.

Everything reminds me of her. I’ve tried so hard to move on and find someone else, but christ– I can’t do it. I loved her so much. I had never even considered marriage until I met this girl. Even something as mindless as an advertisement reminds me of that one day, that one moment, something that occured between us. Every girl I’ve been with or slept with evokes a memory of her. I haven’t seen her in months and her face is still fresh in my mind– not that scowling, angered face that countered mine of horrified confusion, but that of her just-rare-enough smile, with that tinge of a blush.

I wonder sometimes, what she would think if she knew I still loved her this much.

guilt

Posted by in Guilt on Jun 11th, 2008 | 6 comments

I’ve known this boy on myspace and his name was Ryan. I’ve loved him deep inside, but I never told him that(It made him love me more)… He loved me too and kept saying that to me… So one day, I tld him that it was time to end our relationship because we were miles away… he told me i love you for the last time in a voice recorder that was sent on my email… the next week, his parents talked to me online and said he comitted suicide and had a note saying I love her mom and dad tel her that I love her… now i keep crying and saying to myself i love you too Ryan, i love you too

I don’t remember…

Posted by in Confused, Guilt on Jun 10th, 2008 | 1 comment

I went out of town this week on business and the night before I left I go so smashed and I have no recollection on what happened. I think I might have done something that I shouldn’t have…I have flashes of that night, but I can’t put all of the pieces back together. I can’t imagine that I was dumb enough to sleep with someone else, but how can I know for sure?? My boyfriend is so freaking wonderful, and I am so incredibly sick to my stomach everytime I see him or think about Wednesday night…I don’t know how long I can handle feeling this way, I can’t believe I was so incredibly STUPID. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry.

Posted by in Love on Jun 9th, 2008 | 4 comments

I’m married, with 2 children & I have fallen in love with another man.

Alone

Posted by in Alone on Jun 8th, 2008 | 1 comment

Sometimes I can be a very annoying person, I get hyper, I can’t control myself and I have an alarmingly low self-esteem. I have gotten very good at hiding it, most people think that I’m a happy, outgoing person but I’m not. I feel like I can’t talk to my parents or my sibling about it because I’m scared that they might judge me or think that I’m wierd. I have a lot of great friends and I know that they love me, but sometimes I feel like I annoy them so much. If I don’t know all the secerets or everything that is going on I feel left out, alone or that they hate or don’t trust me. I know I have a problem and I told my parents I want to see a shrink but my dad said that it was normal and that it would pass. It still hasen’t passed and it’s getting worse everyday. Now it’s the end of the school year and the only guy I can talk to truthfully is leaving along with his two siblings who are also my friends. I don’t know what I’m going to do next year, especially since I’m going into high school. People also tend to screw me over alot and it doesn’t help my situation. I had to get this out of my head without anyone knowing about it, and this website helped me do it.

Heartache

Posted by in Love on Jun 8th, 2008 | 3 comments

I used to think heartache was just something that was made up to write cheasy songs about. Unfortunately, now I know how real it is.
I’m a married man that fell in love with a married coworker. I’ve never acted on it. She just thinks of me as a good friend. Rather, she did. I’ve been ignoring her lately, trying to let my feeling subside, so who knows what she thinks now. Its been over a year. I still think about her all of the time. It’s hard not to. I see her more than my wife. I know that only time and distance can help me fall out of love but its hard to make that happen given the situation.
It’s not a physical or lustful thing. I just think about a time that I could tell her how much I care for her and love her. I know she knows how I feel but not to the extent that I do.
I’m trying to make these feeling pass. Every time she enters my mind I literally feel a pain in my heart. Its a little less strong these days. I feel like I am slowly getting over her, now that I don’t speak to her as much, but I have a long way to go.
I feel bad that we can’t have the friendship like we had. She’s an amazing person and a wonderful friend but I know I can’t continue to be her friend if I want to get passed this.
I miss her. I’m sorry I fell in love and screwed up our friendship. I mean no disrespect to our families. I didn’t ask to fall in love. I’m trying not to be. I really am.

I like being your dirty little secret.

Posted by in Sex on Jun 7th, 2008 | 13 comments

I work with you, but you know that.

You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I’ve always been a sucker for green eyes and curly hair, but yours are the most amazing, and you hair is always perfect and curly. I’ve had a crush on you since you trained me. Your taste in music is incredible, and you’re so smart!

How could you expect me not to fall for you?

I was so unhappy in my relationship, and we became friends, and hanging out with you was the highlight of my weeks.

And then the night before mother’s day, you were supposed to come over, but my girlfriend had Ugly-Nasty over and was hanging out, so we decided to leave. But we got to talking about music, and we made a mixtape for the night. I listen to it every day.

And then you suggested that we get two six packs and go for a walk in the rain to a spot in the park where the railroad tracks cross over the water, and I think that if I were taking you on a date, that’s exactly the kind of thing I would want to do.

But then my mom called at the grocery store, remember? She said all that about the tornado watch, so we just drove around all those cool back roads, and eventually we went to her house to decide what to do. And we decided to park at my aunt’s house and walk to the tunnel with our six packs and drink them there.

And we did. And if I could go back and walk in the rain with you again, I would walk until my legs couldn’t walk anymore.

But I don’t tell you that.

I could never tell you that.

Remember when we were in the tunnel and we talked about our dreams and fears and most embarrassing moments? And you told me about the radio station in Spokane, and how you’re afraid to fail, and I told you about my fear of religion, and how I wish I weren’t a lesbian sometimes.

And you were so comforting and sympathetic.

But then we ran out of beer, and it was time to go, and we were both kind of drunk. And in the car, you said we could just go back to your place, because Ugly-nasty and my girlfriend were at my apartment and they were rude to us.

I walked in, and I started sizing up your living room couch, because I thought I’d be sleeping there, but you took me into your room, and you showed me your bed, and you said it was called the marshmallow, and it was super comfy. So I laid down in it.

And you put on the mixtape and started lighting candles until it looked like you had the lights on. And I asked if you were a candle person, and you said you were. I said that was cool.

And the music was playing and the candles were burning and we were drinking, and we talked. We talked for awhile.

And then I was talking about school. I think I was talking about one of my friends, and I was in the middle of a word, and I saw something change in you. Your beautiful green eyes looked different, and in a split second, you leaned forward, grabbed the back of my neck, and pulled me to you to kiss me.

It was the best kiss I’ve ever felt. Ever. And I’ve kissed a lot of people.

And it didn’t take long for me to realize what was happening, and when I did, I pulled away, and I asked you a question.
“How long have you wanted to kiss me?”

And you gave me the most adorable answer.
“Since you walked with me in the rain.”

And then we were kissing again. You were really kissing me. You were holding me, rolling over me, kissing my neck and my ears, and then you said something that I’ve played over in my head a million times in two weeks and a day.

“I don’t want to break your heart.”

And I don’t remember what I said back.

Then things were blurry for a minute, and I remember your sweatpants coming off. I helped, but only after you started. And then you helped me take my shorts off. And then our shirts came off. And sometime thereafter our bras. And there we were, kissing in your bed, wearing just our panties.

And we were okay with that.

You loved the knee trick. You know, the one where I used my knee between your legs, and you wrapped yourself around me. And I kissed your neck and legs, and you were so into it.

But then I moved my hand from your neck to between your legs, and I asked if it was okay. I did that a lot. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. And you said it was. And you felt so amazing pressed against my body. And you loved what I did to you. You bit my shoulder, and I thought it was the cutest thing you did all night.

I felt infinite with you.

But it was over quickly, and you asked if I liked to spoon, and I wanted to say I was just happy to be near you, but instead I kept cool and said I could do that. And you were my big spoon, just for a few hours.

When we woke up, I woke up first. I looked at your back, and how beautiful it was. You’re perfect, you know that? I got dressed before you woke up and went out on the porch to think about what I’d done. I’d cheated, but it was worth it. Not only did I get to spend a night with a girl who I thought was a goddess, but I’d been given a way out of my relationship.

I knew I needed to find a way out after you because of how much better it felt being with you than it ever felt being with her. I know how good it can be when you have chemistry with someone now. I didn’t have that with her.

And I went back in and tried to fall asleep again and finally did, and we got up and ready at nine to go to work for our doubles.

We went to starbucks, and then I took you to get your car at my apartment. And you said you’d see me at work. And I kissed her when I got home and told her I’d see her that night and I loved her. Only one of those was true.

All day I had campers. Tables weren’t turning, so I had all this free time, and I spent most of it helping you, because you were slammed. And I had such a good day, because you were there.

And that night I broke up with her. And she was crushed. She loved me so much. And now I miss her a lot, but I know I can’t be with her when I feel this way about you. It’s not fair to her. And it’s also not fair to me with the way that we didn’t get along anymore anyway.

She hates you now, and I don’t blame her.

We didn’t talk for almost a week, because he came to town to visit for five days, and then one night you texted me and invited me over, and told me that what happened didn’t change anything. And I felt so much better.

And now we laugh at work and make jokes, and I think you know how I feel, because sometimes you shoot me these huge, adorable smiles.

I picked up this morning because I didn’t know if you were working AM or PM, and I wanted to see you. I love just being around you. I was glad when you said you were working a double. I sort of figured something was wrong. I hope your mom’s okay. And I’m sorry you had a bad day today and left early because of her. You didn’t tell me what was wrong, but I heard you tell him when I was rolling silverware.

I sent you a text after work that said “Hope your day got better dude.” I added dude so you wouldn’t think I think of you like I do, but I do.

I’m sorry I’m so crazy about you. I don’t want to lose your friendship. It means a lot to me. I wish I could shake these feelings. I dream about you. I’m completely infatuated with you.

I know you’re not a lesbian, but just be true to yourself here. And if I’m misreading you, I’m sorry. Just don’t break my heart by not being my friend anymore. Please.

Oh, by the way,

I like being your dirty little secret.

Confession

Posted by in Confused on Jun 7th, 2008 | 0 comments

I think I’m in love with a guy that is at least 15 years older than me, married and with 2 kids. I say “I think” because I’m not really sure whether it is love or just a not-to-last passion. God, I’m not sure bout what I feel.

I do love hearing his honeyed voice and I do love the warmness of his body when he embraces me. Besides, I’ve already dreamed of kissing him and doing other stuff. He just makes the world feel all right, and I feel really protected when I’m in his warm arms…He’s got this easy breathing, this calmness in his eyes that makes me feel…balanced.

Thing is, I think I’m in love with him because I had an absent father…And now, I’m trying to fill the missing gap that my father left in my heart and mind.

Oh God, I wish I could take him out of my mind.

And, of course, I would NEVER, NEVER make something in order to harm his relationship.

Something that can never happen

Posted by in Love on Jun 7th, 2008 | 3 comments

I really don’t know in witch category this should go so I put it in love… Well it is just another love story I guess, but it’s mine. See I am head over heals for this guy well I think his the best and his not any guy, his my best friend. I know here goes someone else who falls in love with there best friend but, well he also feels the same way he told me a week ago that he has always liked me, no actually he said that he loved me, but when he said this I just couldn’t get myself to tell him I also care about him the same way… yeah I know I was stupid but I just couldn’t because I know that if I tell him how I feel I would ruin his life I know that I’m just not right for him my life is going to shit and I know he has a good future ahead for him and I just don’t want to take him down with me. Besides he has a really nice girlfriend who I know will make him happy specially since I was the one who presented them with those intention exactly. I know this sounds like a really bad soap opera I guess but I just had to get it out of my chest.

Page 4 of 6123456