Crucify

I crucified you today.

I wrote other things, but at this point they are meaningless…….

Today I asked God to remove what I feel for you. I have given it to Him and I will leave it there.

I wanted to die when I was 12

I went through a suicidal phase when i was 12, no one knew i was so miserable because I maintained that “grade A student” image. Now, 3 years later, I’m back to being the happy person I used to be but the memories still haunt me.

No, my cat did not scratch me.

Okay you caught me.
The little red marks on my arms weren’t from my cat. I don’t have a cat. The reason they’re there is because I knew you would notice them and maybe JUST MAYBE it would tip you off, that you’re killing me. Well it didn’t.

You need to open your eyes

I’m Not A Number

I’ve seen it coming for a long time: I have fallen in love with someone “too old for me”. Not the creepy kind of age difference, but a senior dating a freshman would be “weird”. To make matters worse, he’s my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. (I’m partially responsible for their breakup; the first time I called him on my own was to apologize. My friend was secretly hanging out with her ex. He guessed, I confirmed.)

My parents can’t stand it. They say that I should be hanging out with “people my age”. They complain over and over that I don’t have “friends” my age. I’ve tried, Mom and Dad, to make friends my age. It doesn’t work.

My friends can’t stand it either. My best friend from a long time says she “couldn’t see it working between us”. My other friend (his ex) says she doesn’t care if I’m friends with him, but when she found out that we talk almost every day, she seemed a little more than shocked.

My only connection to see him in person, since my parents won’t let me go by myself, would be through his ex. He doesn’t want to be around her. I have no idea when the next time I see his face is going to be, and it hurts.

What’s worse is that by the time I’m eighteen, when I can date whoever I want, he’ll be enlisted in the army. He’ll be there for six years, possibly more. Then I’m really screwed.

He doesn’t know that I like him, and I don’t know if he likes me. I’m afraid that I’ll creep him out. He says that I’m easy to talk to, I never get on his nerves with my constant phone calls, and we can talk for hours and hours about anything and nothing: classic cartoons, life, Tim Burton, and the fact that my cat is morbidly obese. He’s also way overprotective of me and gets really mad when he thinks I’m not being treated right.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

But I don’t know if I can.

Sometimes…

Sometimes I want to get ran over by a car and be hurt or in a coma or something so my Boyfriend would show that he cares and be sympathic towards me.

i screwed up my one chance

I fell in love with you over a couple of years.
I put it out of my mind because i did not want to ruin our friendship.
I confessed when we were drunk, and we spent the night together.
now things are weird, and we are not together.
i have turned to drugs to cope, and i am afraid of the person i am becoming.

school girl

I really am in love with this girl. She’s amazingly beautiful, and some of the things she does in bed are…amazing to say the least. The one thing is that I never cum. Her room mate gets back sooner than expected, or it’s too late. She says she wants to have sex, that she trusts me. She keeps saying that since she hasn’t had sex in a while, it would hurt. I’m being extremely patient. I just want a blowjob or something. Just so I don’t have to keep using J.I.L.L all the time. Foreplay lasts forever, and it never goes anywhere. She wears this little school girl mini skirt when she’s been hinting all day at having sex that night. Then when the time roles around…nothing. She goes to sleep. The feeling I get when her skin presses against mine is unbelievable. I do love her, I just want some kind of physical interaction more than a kiss and a hug. I feel like a horrible person.

affair and more

i fell for a married man at work. he wanted to help me with my problems and then he started to hug me and then rub me on my sides and my arms. he loved being with me. then he felt guilty and it had to stop. i miss him.

i wanted to cut him out of my heart so i placed an x on my chest with a knife. it felt so good. i’m tempted to cut myself again. this isn’t the first time i cut myself. i love how it feels and i don’t know if i can stop it.

please God. I want him back.

crush

I’m bisexual. I haven’t told anyone because I don’t know how to do it. I have this friend, she is in my class and I have a really strong crush on her. She’s straight, I think, and I’m not sure if she would like to have something with me. I really like her, the way she smiles and how she walks, she’s gorgeous. I don’t know what to do, I thought that maybe if we stay away from each other for a while my crush will disappear, but we are forced to work together for a project and I’m dieing to touch her everytime I see her. I don’t know what to to.

your favorite song.

you know that one song you really liked. the Japanese one with the really melodic guitar? i learned it for you. i spent hours every day, getting it perfect for the next time you visited, but three days before you visited i got my finger cut off and as i sat in the E.R. with my finger in hand my only thought was “how will i play it for her?”

Jealousy

I’m involved with a wonderful man who I love very much but who will never be able to make me happy because of my jealousy. What am I jealous of? The fact that I’m not the first person he slept with (he had sex with one girl and was intimate with another three). That probably wouldn’t seem so unreasonable if I hadn’t slept with fourteen men myself, one of whom I was married to and have a daughter with.

why

why was i so bone headed when i was 13. im now 17 and have been locked up for 2 years and 3 days. i live in a group home and i hate it. i thought it was cool to not listen and now i live with 9 other females. some of whch are cool but others are hateful. i havent seen my dad since christmas and my mom sice i was 13. won’t see her till im 18. i hate that i messed up my teenaged life cuz im right behind my 18 year old sis locked up unti your 18. i’ve been getting locked up sice i was 13 and i hate it. now what do i do