Secret Confessions

i had a very bad childhood significant with a drunkyard father and later he was jailed for smuggling drugs.left with my mother who was very rough in handling us. i got no love from anywhere.
i was desperate to be loved. i craved for someone to love me truly.
i had an affair in my teens.i loved him deeply and he was from a different caste, but he said he loved me but couldn’t marry me.i was left heart broken.
then again i fall in love with a man of another caste and he too loved me very much.but he couldn’t go aginst his parents and left me again heart broken.
thirdly there wasa friend of mine whom unknowingly i started loving, coz i was very possessive about him. he was jsut a true riend, but i spoiled that relationship and forced him to love me.ultimately he couldn’t and he left me.
loneliness,gripped me and i just want to get rid of my life ultimately married my husband, who is a gem of a person. he loves me very much.
but i can’t love him like how i had loved my lovers.i know he loves me very much but am unable to love him with my whole heart.
i just do my “wife” job dutifully as if it is a profession.
i don’t know why i behave so.
then i met a married man from a different coutnry and both of us strong attraction towards wach other.we tried our level best to avoid that situation. we didn’t get involve physically , but emotionally we got involved so much that i ahd forgot the number of times i have tried walking away from him.we both can;t do without each other.but decided for our kids welfare tos tay together in our matrimonial relationship, but we are in touch constantly.
i feel very jealous about his wife.but i love her too.i know he is her possesion.

last month i met my second ex lover and inspite of 14 years he still has the same feelings for me.he loves his wife very much but says that he is crazy about me and
regrets for not marrying me.he is very rich now and he treated me like a princess when i met him and was with all tears in his eyes saying he still loved me and just want to see mehappy.
all my emotions broke down as i felt why people found me not capable enough of marrying them.
i lvoe everyone with the core of my heart and was sincere and commited to them. they all threw my love away even though they all regret of doing so.

all the past incidence make me grow mad and i feel i am still the same.
i have alot of love in my heart which i could never share with anyone.
my husband is aware about all my past but he never criticise me and instead is very loving support. but my guilt is i cann;t love him i could love my lover.
i am confused about my own identity. what am i doing?please if anyone can help me!
i can’t share this with everyone as people will think i am a flirt!

Firstly I am 16 and go to a all boy’s school, and I’m gay, I am telling this story because I’m sick of leading a secret life. It all started at age 14 were I realised that I wasn’t attracted to girls but was to guys, I am in the football group at school, were being gay is unacceptable and gays are taunted by the group. The group obviously doesn’t know that I’m gay and if they ever found out there is no doubt my life would be in danger. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel I have a caring boyfriend that will always be there for me and loves me for me. We first meet in the classes that we share, at first we didn’t speak much until we meet at a party that a person from school held, I’m to afraid to drink because I don’t want to say things that I will regret, he also doesn’t drink that’s how we both met. We had a long night of just talking and getting to know each other, and ever since that night we both have been in love. After the party he came back to my place, one thing lead to another and we both knew that our sexuality is true. I want to come out, I know that my boyfriend will always be there for me if anything happens, I just don’t want to live in the darkness anymore I want to be accepted. I would love any advice of what I should do.

I can’t get over my ex and I love her very much and I want to be with her but everything just gets on the way. I told her I had been with other people but the truth is she was my first and my only and no matter how hard I try I haven’t been able to stop loving her. Sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love. The saying that it’s better to have love and lost is bullshit. I was a million times better when I hadn’t loved at all.

I’m not inconsiderate. You tell me you don’t want me to be me, because you don’t want to hear the truth about your ex, who won’t come back to you, you are just refusing to accept it - which is understandable since you loved him, but then when we talk you tell me you don’t want me to not be myself, but i know you don’t because you won’t be able to handle the truth. I mean what do you want me to do? I don’t mean to shout at you, but there’s nothing more i can do. Yes i know you’re depressed, but it doesn’t mean i am going to put my happiness on hold for you. I shouldn’t have to do it for anyone, i try not to mention it too much to you because i know you are fragile but i can’t not talk about it when it’s all that’s going off in my head right now. When you were saying that our other best friend wasn’t depressed, how would we know? We’d both started going out with the guys she liked. That HURTS. A LOT. You wouldn’t know. And she has cut herself and thought about suicide before, so how would we know. I hope you get better soon because i can’t keep tip toeing around like this and i hope your ex decides to letyou go. Finally so you can move on.

i’m straight… but then why do i want to possess her like that…

i hadn’t talked to her in two years…
i was waiting for her to make a call or write a letter…

then, one day i just went to her sis’s house and got her no. from there…
i sent her some angry messages…
she recogniged me…
and then she called…
she cried…said she was sorry…told me that she loves me… she said that she wanted to call me but didn’t have the courage to do so…

these 2 years messed me up…
i was thinking that talking to her would make it okay…

but it’s got worse…
hurts like hell all the time…
what’s wrong with me…

i don’t know her…
i never did…

she’s got a bf now…
she’s been having a lot of fun…

then, why was i making my life hell??
what’s wrong with me…
it was her mistake…
she was supposed to call me if she was feeling sorry…

y did i call her??

i wanna hurt her bad…real bad…..!!!
but i’m such an idiot…
i love her so much…

Thanks everyone, specially who replied to my last confession on “Am I doing the biggest Mistake?”. Now it seems that something is changed. When I decided to breakup with my girlfriend, she was silent for a few days. After that now she is begging to me not to leave her. She will not do the same and she is realizing her fault now. She loves me and doesn’t want to loose me. But the problem to me is- can I believe her? Can she really change her attitude and mind? Is this realization will last long? I am again confused that I have taken a very hard decision already and made my mind very strong. So is it wise to believe her and go for the relationship again? I don’t know.
Please advice!!!!!!!

My previous confession:

“Am I doing the biggest Mistake?”

I am very conservative person. I fall in love at the age of 22. Now I am 24+ doing MBA. Out relationship is about for 2 years. She is the one and only love in my life. I love her more than anything and I also love my family very much. But I cannot choose one. My family is not accepting me to marry her for many reasons which and I cannot blame them for that as they are doing what they should do-I know! I have protested them for more than a years but I failed to make them accept her. Now why I am confused to decide whether to keep relation with her or not are: She is very dominative, less carrying and does anything she wish when she is angry. She has little respect to my family which I cannot stand. She is extrovert in nature. And many more of her nature I do not like. Knowing these things she insists of doing all the things. If I try to control her, she goes more out of control. I am still love her but I am now confused “Can I be happy with her? Should I take the risk of loosing my family for her? If I break up with her now, will I regreat at future for loosing my love? What would happen to me if I make a choice?”
I am confused! I am too young about life. Please people who knows life better, advise me!!!!!!!!!!

i knew he had a wife. but you know, love is blind so i went on…
i loved him more than my life but he left me because of his wife.
to take revenge,i told his wife everything.
now they are divorced.
every morning, i see him while he is going to work. our eyes always meet… we still love each other. but it all ended before it started. aww i love him STILL :(

I almost never lose control. The other day I was so angry at someone who’d parked their car too close to mine. I had to enter my car from the passenger side and climb over the stick shift. I keyed their car. I am so ashamed.

since the year you were married, but don’t worry - he cheats on me also.

My love, your mother told me the man you believe to be your father..is not.

She has begged me not to tell you, I will have to betray her in order not to betray you.

Her secret is my pain. I love you and I am sorry.

No matter what, I am letting my family down.

Please forgive me, I have had an abortion. I am so sorry.

I will try to make a long story short. Until today its been a little more than a year we met on a game on internet, in july last year we met in person. I am divorcing to be with him and i changed all my life to wait for the day he comes. He still lives with the mother of his 3 children and never has been married to her in his 16 year old relationship. We stopped the game and continue to talk on chat sometimes with camera mostley without it but the problem now is our conversations are not good, we know we love each other but something is wrong i feel it, i ask him but he says its me, of course i am the one going thru divorce (with a 3 year old son)but also he has always supported me in all ways until now that i feel him distant, i know i have aproched him sometimes in not a good way but we talk about it and i ask him to forgive me. We keep in contact but its not the same spark we had, i start a conversation and from his side nothing its me doing all the talking and when i ask do you want to tell me something his answer is “no nothing special” so i dont know what to do, what to say…. almost always his answer to my questions are short like : ok, yes or no, maybe” the last i said to him is i understand he has waited much time more than a year for me and he still is waiting, but i want to make him happy and i dont know how. I am confused on how to aproach him besides “Hi how are you? How was your day?” and then what? ………..???? Anything i say is never enough or good enough that is what i feel. I feel like we are in a standby mode until my divorce is resolved hopefully in 1 and 1/2 month but i dont want to loose him :( SNIFF (i dont think i will loose him but sometimes its just hard). So much time waiting and each in different continents (america 36 years old/europe 41 years old)and just waiting
Please help on what to do any creative ideas to do in this situation for the waiting period until i am divorced. Forgot to mention i was going to do a trip to visit him i was going to stay at his mothers house and then the next day i had to cancel all due to divorce i needed to be present for resolution on the days i had planned the trip and of course he was very disapointed and not good, after this incident all has been the way i described above. How can i make him happy again?

I just wanted to post this in response to the post i just read.

I was sexually abused by my step-father from the ages of ten through thirteen. I was so scared everytime it happened that i couldn’t move a muscle. I would tell my mother every morning after it happened and she would say that it would never happen again, and it always did. I had to live with that man for five years. I finally made him stop but i couldn’t leave so i had to stay until i graduated from high school. when i later brought it up to my mother and accused her of being as much at fault as him, she said that i was crazy and that i needed to be commited for even thinking that it had ever happened. I had told social workers that it happened and they asked my mother for confirmation. when my mother found out about it she said i was lying to get them in trouble. She and i got into a fight after it. I am only saying that it is not right for a father, brother, uncle, neighbor, ANYONE! to touch you without your permission. it is not ok. it is not fine, you cannot self medicate it. it will not stop until you take a stand and MAKE it stop. find a teacher, a cop, a neighbor who you trust. find some way to get out of the situation. find someone to let you stay the night with them and then go to the police about it. Do not let yourself become another statistic. i am sick of the abuse victims who think that they are not good enough to be saved. you are worth it. I made myself worth it and i am going to work my hardest to find a way for others to get out of it.

iam feeling depreeseed iam 14 years old girl and always my bro keep having sex with me atnigh….whatishould doicant tell anyooooonnnee plz answeer me and my mom is treating me like a dog and treat my bro better although i didnt do anything wrong like when i teell heriwant new cloth she tells me no u r a dog andnot girl to have clothim sooo depressed by what she is doiinnngg iwill kiill my sellllfffff

You’re my best friend, and I’ve known you for almost 10 years now.

I hadn’t realised until a few months ago that I felt more strongly about you, and the more I saw you the worse it got.

Then the other night we were both so drunk and you ended up in my bed, you held me so close, wrapped you arms around me and entwined your fingers with mine.

I lay in bed last night and realised how empty it felt, and how much I wanted you there with me.

Do you like me too? Or was it just the drink?

I guess I’ll never know, because I’m too scared to ask.