I love a married man

I am desperately in love with a married man, we have been having a love affair for four years. I know he lies to me constantly becaseu I spy on him. I didn’t always spy, only after years passed and his stories weren’t adding up. He lied to my face (said he had no relationship or future with wife but yet I know that he planned trips to Europe and Hawaii with her in March and September….doesn’t sound like nothing to me) yet…I still love him.

I feel horrible about myself, he has destroyed my self-esteem. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else though.

I Have no Control

I know a lot of things I do are wrong and I try not to but I just can’t stop myself. When I was younger the father of a kid I babysat offered to pay me to get naked for him. He’d give me 20 bucks for like 10 minutes of looking at me. He and his friends paid me 100 bucks to be a nude waitress at their poker game. I was 14 at the time. Not long, I was trading strangers oral sex for buying me alcohol. I’ve been in gang bangs and all sorts of stuff. My biggest problem is if someone offers me money to something slutty I will do it because I can’t stop myself. When I am alone I laugh like crazy because these fools will pay anything. I think I have a problem.

Validation.

So I have this ex-boyfriend.

We’re on a friendly basis, and he just transferred to a new college. He calls me, and tells me he has this amazing job, and cool first week of school.

I wanted to succeed first; to get a new boyfriend, or a new cool activity that I could flaunt.

I feel like a failure, like I’ve been wasting my time in college and not putting myself on the paths that I want to be on.

I want to write for the paper, but I don’t. I want to take a dancing class, but I don’t.
Its always “next quarter,” “next week,” and I just sit and watch internet movies. And sometimes read school books.

I want a new boy to care about, so I can finally sever this attachment to my ex. I read his myspace mail, since he gave me his password back in our heyday; still keeping tabs on him. But for what? I haven’t the right to be jealous of him, and its a jerky thing to do, this begrudging him his happiness.

But I can’t stop; I still want him to want me. Kind of a validation thing, I guess. And when he’s being happy with himself and his life, he isn’t moping about me.

Ugh. I’m such a failure at life.

Could it have been different?

After I married, I promised my wife that whatever she wished, I would do my level best to fulfill it.

She said nothing.

After she graduated college, I told her how proud I was of her, and restated that whatever she wished, I would do my best to fulfill.

She said it was time for me to take my time and finish my degree.

I poured my heart into my studies and graduated with honours, and within weeks of graduation had done the impossible – I secured a job in the very competitive world of television to go in tandem with my blossoming radio career.

When the opportunity to work full time in television arose, I left my job in radio because I thought the opportunities for quicker and further advancement lay in the television arena.

I was right. My career hit a fast track, and within months, I was being offered my very own show to produce – but at a very insignificant salary with a questionable schedule. I was told that the salary would follow within months when I would be offered the opportunity to transfer across the country.

She was tired of spending every night alone, and hated the thought that that unsure schedule may increase those lonely nights, and didn’t want to leave both our families for a chance at monetary success in another – much larger – market.

Honestly? I didn’t want that to happen either, but I did the cowardly thing – I told her I would obey her wishes.

She didn’t want to leave.

I turned down the job.

Within weeks, I was unemployed, with no prospects.

We then had our first child – while I was still unemployed. I had been blacklisted in our community and no one wanted me on their staff. We didn’t want to leave town.

So we stayed.

After months of taking temporary jobs with no real opportunity for real employment, I took a dull windowless desk job two days after our first child’s first birthday.

Job security was good.

Two months later, she told me that she had lost respect for me since it took so long to get another real job. She even told me that she didn’t love me anymmore.

The relationship was cold, and I jumped at any opportunity for quality time with her – which happened very rarely.

After one of those rare times, we concieved our second child, and continued with our cold, unfeeling relationship.

After three years, the flame began to rekindle, and our relationship has now grown very strong.

Now, though, the job that I took that I originally felt security from has become an encumbrance to my happiness, and I absolutely abhor what I am doing now.

I stay here, because it provides monetary security as I put her through school for her graduate degree.

When she gets the degree, she will be financially secure, in and of herself.

I fear that she will no longer need me.

I fear that I made wrong decisions.

I wonder where we would be if I had said yes to an uncertain position and an inevitable move across country.

I wonder if our relationship would’ve survived.

I wonder if I would’ve regretted taking my parents’ grandchildren away from them.

I wonder if I would have regretted not spending more time with my best friend before he died three years ago.

I wonder if I would be a top teir television executive by now.

I wonder…

I wonder….

I wonder….

Im Sorry Leslie

When we first made Love, I was married but unhappy. I moved out and planned to leave, but I thought I needed to give my marriage one more chance to work, or I would always have questions. By the time you allowed me back into your life, I found out that my wife was pregnant, but lied to you about when she was due, I lied to you about so many things, but we began to make love again, and you told me that your ideal would be to be married to me and raising OUR children. I hate that you were with Mike, and I felt like I needed to do or say anything to make you fall in love with me again and leave his abusive ass behind. He treats you badly and you accept it because at other times he treats you like I want to. I have left you alone, as you asked, because I hurt you so badly. I will go on in a loveless relationship because it is best for my kids, but I cannot get you out of my mind. I treated you wrong, I lied GOD did I lie! But I wanted you to know that I regret hurting you. I could have made you happy, I thought I could explain away the lies, but I couldnt. You are with Mike this weekend meeting his parents, and I know he will ask you to marry him. . . dont do it. You will find someone to love you like I did (DO!) , but treat you better than he OR I did. You are a wonderful person, but Mike will only make you feel miserable about yourself. You will regret it. I hate what I did to you, and I miss being with you and talking. I miss being close, I miss making love with you. I wish you only happiness but I wish you realized Mike is WRONG WRONG WRONG for you.

i luv a guy…^^

i luv a guy who is my friend.i never talk with him and he doesn’t too..but i luv him.and when sumbody ask to me why i luv him..i will answer that i luv him because i luv him, i don’t need another reason.i realy luv him and i’m afraid to lose him.it’s best dream i ever had in my life.

I have sexual problems

I have a deviant sexual attraction to teenagers. I am too old to like teenagers… but I can’t help it. I feel so guilty I want to kill myself. Please ask your God to save me from this evil bondage.

Friends and Failed Relationships

Okay. I have a few things I want to say…

First: I feel like I’ve lost one of the few people who really cared about me. I became REALLY close friends with him last summer, and then we started dating… And then I cheated on him, and then broke up with him shortly after.. And then we got into a huge fight that lasted about 24 hours, but where I said some extremely hurtful things to him.. and then I suddenly decided I would really miss him if I didn’t ever talk to him again, so we both decided to stop arguing. Now we aren’t very close. We don’t talk a lot and I want my friend back. I’m trying to become closer to him again but I don’t know how it will work. I was really mean to him..

Second: I’m struggling with my own feelings of attraction. I don’t know who or what I’m attracted to. I’m not going to lie, lately(and for at least two years now) I’ve become increasingly attracted to girls. That’s not my problem; if that’s who I am, that’s who I am. (except the guy mentioned above. I don’t know what that was about) It’s just that everyone I am attracted emotionally or physically is a girl, and they’re straight or not interested. For example, one of my good friends is obsessed with this guy she met very recently and made out with after knowing him for a very short time.. but anyway, I reallly like her a lot, but she’s completely oblivious, as she thinks I like someone else completely.

also, concerning friends. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere within my group of friends. I’m not even content with the best friend that I have

Run Away

I often feel like running off and starting fresh. I don’t fit in with any particular group here. I just want to start new in a town where no one knows me. These daily problems I face are slowly killing me inside and no one knows. Everyone assumes I’m fine by the smile on my face. Little do they know that the smile is nothing but a band aid covering a wound that cannot heal.

yup..

wow .. I didn’t expect that there is a site like this .. any way, now i can admit to myself who i am .. ever since childhood i noticed that im different from other male gender .. because i like more playing with the girls than the same sex .. I already admit to myself that infact im a bisexual .. but to my friends and family? they didnt know .. i am thinking about what will be their reaction .. im trying to be normal but i cant help myself being attracted to both sexes .. thats all .. whew ..

I’m in love with him

I don’t know why I could have this feeling. I’m in love with him — a friend of mine — though now I’m in a relationship. My boyfriend is very nice and he loves me. But I don’t know how I could cheat on his feeling. No one knows about my feeling. I’m confused. It seemed he loves me too. I’ve tried to forget my feeling, but I can’t take him out of my mind. And I can’t lie to myself. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t wanna hurt anyone…

Friendship or more…?

I am not sure about the friendship between a guy and a girl, I’m a girl myself, and so far most guys I met and i had friendships with, they fell in love with me. Now I met this guy.. that I really like alot.. but Im scared to tell him, and it might end up being.. weird or something.. also He lives far away and I am not sure if it will work. Tho we talk alot and he’s me best friend, is it worth it to risk this. or.. is it not?