Secret Confessions

I am deeply in love with my ex girl friend. I am also a girl. I would give my life to tell her this.

I’m pregnant and I’m scared. I never ever wanted kids and this kid was not planned. I have not told anyone. I hate that I’m scared to tell someone. My mom will be dissappoted in me and I don’t want that. Im afraid that I’ll grow to hate this kid because I dont want him/her, but I can’t bring myself to get a abortion.

I study art and am at the college level now. We do all mediums, including photography.
My class is mostly women and I am also. We did a series of life studies, you know, figure studies in charcoal. Models come in and pose for us. It was hard at first, but it’s pretty normal now.
The weird thing is, I secretly hope that one day the model doesn’t show? And, then they would ask if any of the students would like to stand in. My weird fantasy is that it’s me and I take off my clothes and take up my spot under the sky light completely, absolutely naked. And then my class mates would study me and stare for a very long time. I don’t know why, I’m very modest and really cover up my body normally. But I seriously want to be painted or sketched without clothes.. I’m tired of drawing other people.
I think this goes back to when I was twelve and the Titanic came out, when she posed for that drawing, I had a serious desire to have someone ask me to get naked for a drawing! BUT, oddly enough, I would not want someone to take my picture naked, but art somehow makes it seem above normal nakedness? I can’t explain it, but it seriously turns me on!!!!! Maybe it’s the next best thing to being naked in public? Only in front of art students in stead.

Or, as I think about this, maybe I want to see how they draw me and how they see me?

i’m cold-blooded
don’t i have the ability to love somebody?
i hate myself

I was always told to watch uncle fred and tell them if he ever did anything to me. He did things to me, but I liked what he did, so I never told. I guess they thought that he wouldn’t mess with a 16 year old boy.

You know when I was a kid everything was way easier I didt barely knew about love, I remember I wanted to be an Astronaut, a Football player, a Magician, just eat my favorite Icecream and have fun day in and day out.
I wish I could have 5 lives! Then i could have been born in five different places, and eaten five lifetime’s worth of food, and had five different careers, and…fallen in love with the same person, five times.

I am really the worst.

ME AND MY FAILY ARE GONNA BE MOVIN TO TEXAS END OF NEXT SUMMER AND IM SCARED BECAUSE IVE HEARD SO MUCH NEGATIVE INFO AND I DONT KNO WERE OUT THERE IS SAFE TO MOVE TO BUT WE HAVE TO MAKE THIS MOVE THIS IS THE AREA WE CAN ONLY AFFORD WHAT SHOULD I DO I DONT WANA BE AROUND ANY VIOLENCE

Do you still think of me,
that night
together
Do you still think of me,
the butterfly’s
in my belly
Do you still think of me,
that sweltering
kiss
Do you still think of me,
because
I
Still
Do

When I Was In 8th Grade. I Was Used To Stole Things From My Friends Bags But I now have Left Every Thing God Plzzzzzzzzz Forgive Me.

I have grown up spending summers with my dad and the rest of the year with my stepfather and mother. I call my stepfather Dad and feel closer to him than I do with my real dad who is a drunk and a loser. I know I call him dad and he acts like a dad but I don’t understand why I love him like a person loves someone they love, not like a dad. Sometimes I think I wish my mom would leave and then I would be with him and he would want me to be like his wife then. I’m 21 now and still live at home. He has been my dad since I was 8 and I love him so much, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! when I hug him, I want to kiss him and go crazy but I don’t. I want to really touch him, but I don’t, I don’t feel closer to anyone but him! I want him to look at me like he loves me, but he looks at me like a dad would. Sometimes I hate my mom and am jealous of her. He understands me, no one understands me the way he does, I could be with him forever and be totally happy. I want to lean on him and watch movies every day. I want to bring him his coffee. I want to hear his ideas and have him read to me from his books of poetry. I want to be 10 again and have him teach me to swim, or take me to the father daughter dance again. I want him to look at me as a woman, not a daughter, and appreciate who I could be to him. I’m crazy assed in love with him!!!!!!!! I wear his sweatshirts and take his things so I can have something of his with me all the time. He says I’m beautiful, but the way a Dad would say it to his real daughter. Why can’t he have a moment of weakness and just love me back the same way!!!! WHY is it WRONG?!!!! I want him to burn for me! I feel like I could explode and just tell him everything I feel, would that ruin what we have? Would my mom hate me forever? I never want to move out, I never want to leave

my crux likes some other girl
so i was cryin last night
he didnt care that i was hurt

so the other day he said hes gonna tell me somethin
he said that
he cant separate his heart into 2
and his heart already belongs to the other girl
he said he loves me somehow
and he knows that i love him
because he sees how much i do
he said
he just has some other girl..
he has to stay with her

so…i dont know what i feel now
if im happy or sad
im happy cuz he luvd me somehow
but im feelin sad cuz he loves the other girl much!!

seriously..i dont know if i luv him or not
cuz i dont want to be hurt!!
buti jzt cant 4get him!!
this is jealousy
but its another category!

Everytime he and I fight, he gets more violent. I have no money and no where to go. He is in the military, I’m stuck in a foreign country.

I wish he would go to Iraq, but he probably won’t. I wish he’d go, and not come back until he was in a body bag.

I wish I’d not been stupid enough to marry him. He was so nice, calm… now he throws things and yells and calls me names and pushes me.

I’m sorry I wish he were dead but I do. I would be a big weight off my shoulder. I would never have to be frightened when I hear him enter the room, ever again.

My family made me so miserable I moved away from them. And because I moved away they did everything to hurt me like calling on the phone and being nasty and rude. They even called child services on me and said I was doing drugs and starving the children. Unlike the highschool dropouts who accused me of this, I happen to have a degree in early childhood education and I ended up contacting the local district attorney over all the harassment and they abruptly stopped their s h * t. Then by a divine piece of good fortune, I came into money. Suddenly, everyone wants to be my best friend. (NATURALLY.) They are just ‘so concerned’ about how me and the boys are doing…being syrupy sweet and just always calling to say ‘hi’ and being SOOO disgustingly polite. First I was a ‘ b * t c h’ now I’m the funniest thing ever- everyone just adores anything I have to say- even if its ‘I have to go to the bathroom’. All of it just makes me want to throw up. But- what they don’t know is we’re moving. Again. I’m going back to Los Angeles. I can afford to live there comfortably now, so I’m going to- and I’m taking the boys with me and I don’t give a flying F * C K WHO has a problem with it. I DARE them to get nasty now.