guilty

I had fallen madly in love with a guy, and with little difficulty we made our families meet. They are now happy too. I am going to get married soon next year. We have been together for 4 years.
But in our last year we were not in contact with each other much, as he was away somewhere else.
and just 10 months ago, I met a guy during a multiplayer game. I told him my fake name, I told him I am not engaged, reason being i came to know he lives in the same area that my to-be-husband lives. And I was scared that who knows they may be friends or may become friend and my to-be-husband will find out I have been friends with a guy which he hates(he hates it if i befriend some other guy).
We are now great friends, and sometimes from his conversation I feel as if he loves me, though he hasn’t said so,once he stopped himself expressing himself,he asked me whether i love some one and i replied in negative, and when I in turn asked what if I do love someone then so he replied I will feel at loss that I wont be able to take that person’s place in your heart.
few days back he said he was planning to get married, as his mother is forcing to do so.I asked him what kind of a girl you are looking for…….. and he described qualities that points to me, like “Programmer, web devolper,some one who knows me as a friend and understands me bla bla”
and then he made me promise that i will help him and i will not back out when he will ask me to help him get his girl. I live in eastern society and here culture is different! I am feeling like a cheat!I feel I am the most disgusting person on earth, lying to him(my friend) and hiding my friendship from my lover. I am cheating both
If u ask me whether I love this guy, i will say no i dont love him, yes but i like him very much, I like to talk to him everyday and spent time with him he is a damn nice guy,I like his presence!! but I love my to-be-husband. Many times I decide to end this friendship to tell him the truth but i am scared to lose him, i want to stay friends with him forever…… and maybe I will lose both of them if I do tell the truth! I dont know m going crazy :S can you believe it I am still talking to him while writing this confession?
I HATE MYSELF OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life insurance

I get such huge amounts of it on both of us. The max my work place will let me and have another policy on the side. Not because I intend to kill him or think he would want to. I am so scared that if he dies I will stop funtioning like a normal person and it will take money and therapy and expensive hospital visits to bring me back. With out my husband I cannot imagine feeling whole again and I dont want my family to have to pay for any of my problems. I know if I died he too would not do well without me.

We morbidly yet lovingly say "Promise me you’ll move on if I go. Promise me you’ll take care of my family. Promise me you’ll travel and see things I wanted you to know. Promise me if love finds you again please take its hand and do not flee in fear of pain."

He has a dangerous job, I have a medical condition that could be very bad if I dont take care of it. I have never been more happy in my life.

So of course I fear loosing… life.

I Don’t Know Why I Did It

You told me that sex was for after marriage. End of story. There was never any question as to what age was appropriate and what age wasn’t. I knew inherently. Still, a part of me wanted to know what it was all about. A part of me decided to ignore you.

So I did it at 16. And it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. So I kept doing it, right there under your roof, and you never knew.

When I finally got around to admitting it to friends, I told them I had sex when I was 18. For some reason, 18 sounded better than 16. Was it because of your incessant claims that teenagers didn’t know any better that had actually impacted on me? I don’t know. I just knew 16 sounded awful. And for the first time, I wished I hadn’t had sex back then.

It’s been quite a few years now. I still lie about it. I lie about the first time. I lie about the frequency of times in that first year. I make myself sound like someone I’m actually not.

But you still don’t know a single thing. To you, I’m not tainted yet. I only wish it were that way.

Sticky fingers

I’ve been stealing from work for several years now. I feel guilty but still do it because it’s so easy. I tell myself that I’m justified because they don’t pay me enough and I bust my ass everyday doing my job. It’s very physical and I’m not getting any younger. I’n not asking if I have a problem. I already know I do. I want to know if there’s a lot of people who steal from their jobs the way I do.

my secret letter

(all names and places changed for secret reasons)

Jane,

I thought I had your picture. I knew I had your picture. Maybe I never did. Your friend took the picture of you holding the rose and it was black and white. We developed it in the photo lab at the high school, one of the many times Joe wasn’t there. I remember you looked like Yoko Ono in the picture but in a good way. I don’t think I ever told you it out loud. You were so pretty, you hair was so long and dark, it shocked me when you told me that you dyed it that color. Thinking back on it I never really knew you that much. I remember you telling me the story about how your dad threw you down the stairs and you were living with your grandparents. I often wondered why your sister still lived with them. It often made me wonder if you were telling the truth. I feel bad I never really believed you. I don’t remember how we met now; maybe it was in photo class. I assume now it was. We use to hang out there. You were introduced to my boyfriend at the time and we all became friends. Do you remember when we went to the pool hall together with Lor and Rand? We got really mad at Lor and made him walk home? You use to wait for me outside of the painting class I went to in the evenings. You would wait across the street and then make fun of me commenting how messy I was. You always said you liked my art, I think I even gave you a painting. I had this fascination with you, you were the first and only girl that I fell in love with. I know things went to far with us. I know what we did was wrong. I’m not a lesbian, I’m not even bi sexual, but you were so beautiful and we were young and experimenting. Rand knew about us and gave us his blessing to take it as far as we did. Maybe that was my first mistake and that’s what opened everything up like it did. I remember drinking that night and staying up all night with you. We went to Edwards crossing the next day with Rand, I fell asleep in the backseat I was so tired. I still remember your smell, I don’t know if it was shampoo or just you. We talked one day and we talked about how woman could be so awful and you didn’t understand how a woman could sleep with their friend’s boyfriend. I’ve often wondered if that was your cover up because you were sleeping with my boyfriend. I remember your parents were out of town for the weekend so we went up to stay at their house, it was a great day we went out of your parents quads, we watched movies and we all fell asleep in your king size bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and Rand was holding you. It was a clue that I turned a blind eye to. I mean why should I believe my boyfriend of three years and my close friend would be doing anything behind my back. I don’t know who I was angrier with you or him at the point I walked in on you and him naked in bed together. You were crying, you told me you didn’t know how this could happen. And I don’t remember what happened next. I remember taking you home the next morning and we talked about it all. I was so hurt that you could have done something like that to me. The memories are so blurred now. I forgave you for some reason, and Rand too. I was walking with Lor one day at the quarry, we went off the path and ended up getting soaked because it started to rain and we had walked through the creek. It was then I came to the realization that I needed to end my relationship with Rand. We drove home to tell him to move out and you were parked in the driveway picking up his things, he was moving out already. I was once again hurt that though you said that you were my friend over his you were there moving his things out of our house. I asked you numerous times if you and Rand had started a relationship, and every time you told me no. Our mutual friend let the information slip to me during that Christmas. She told me that you and Rand were in love and very happy. I didn’t care that you two were together it was just that you had lied to me and so had he. He moved in with out I believe that winter. I don’t think your grandparents knew you were sneaking him in after dark. You all started doing crank. I remember meeting up with you and Rand in Perkos in the middle of the night one night and going back to your car and freebasing in the back of the car. I didn’t see you again for over a year. You had become so skinny, you looked pale, I was worried. It was over a year later that Rand came back into my life; he said he was sorry for what happened. He told me about the pregnancy, the abortion, and the drug abuse, everything else. I accepted him back in my life. I know now that was stupid. You came back into my life at that point. I remember taking the drive with you and your friend, Cindy. We talked about all the things that had happened. Cindy chimed in saying that I needed to let you and Rand have you counseling sessions and help you two get over the bad things that had happened. You apologized, we cried, and I think at that point you were actually being sincere with me. But then I found out that Rand was still seeing you behind my back. During this same time he confessed that he had been taking my old car to have sex with you in the back. I felt so used again. I never knew how bad it could hurt to have someone so close to me at one time break the bond of trust I use to think we had. I ended the relationship again with Rand. And I never saw or heard from you again.

Last April you killed yourself. I hadn’t talked to you in four years. It hurt every cell in my body. You were gone. I loved you so much and we never talked again. Your gone now, it’s been over a year and the hurt is still there. I google your name every so often hoping, praying that someone in your family would make a website dedicated to you, maybe some sort of article, a memory board anything to answer my questions. How can it hurt so bad that you killed yourself after so many years of not talking to you? You hung yourself. I’ve hear rumors that you were still fighting drugs, that maybe the hanging wasn’t your own choice that maybe someone was there. What happened to you? Was it really that bad? You were so smart, so beautiful and now your gone. I don’t know how to cope with this. Maybe some part of me wanted, hoped that we would run into each other and I could tell you that it was okay. I wanted to tell you for the past four years that I forgave you, and I guess I wanted to hear from you that you forgave me. I loved you, I still do. I know where you are buried but I can’t get the courage up to make the trip to see you. I don’t know what I would do if I did. As for right now I write this letter, hoping that wherever you are you can read it. I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know if you made it to Heaven. I don’t know if you’re here right now reading this. I still hurt, I hurt more now that your gone and I will never get to tell you that it’s okay, everything is okay. We were stupid, we made dumb decisions. As for me, I will always remember the way you smelled.

guilt and love

I am a medical student,a girl of 24 full of passion about learning medical science and full of energy.
I have a big problem ,and that is, falling in love with my 40-50 male professors!don’t laugh at me!that bothers me,so that I can’t do my best in the exams.I get euphoria by thinking to their faces and kissing their lips in my mind.I live in Iran,with religeous people and many cultural limitations.I am a moslem,and my professors too.Here in Iran you can’t tell someone that you love him,specially when he has wife!even if you tell him,he won’t show a pleasant raection!

what should i do ?!

im inlove with a girl(im a girl)and i cAnt stop thinking about her! everytime i think that im starting to get over her and start to think less of her.. i end up seeing her somewhere somehow and its so nOt helping! but still i get excited when i see her and also nervous. and so it starts all over again the sadness, the depresion etc… this is very hard for me and its killing me inside because i cant tell her how i feel. i know she’ll turn me down somehow and i will lose her. i have never had feelings towards a girl or anyone like this before and i dont know what to do :’(?! i think that what ever i do i couldent get over her. and i will always love her! it hurts me mOre and more everytime i see her or even think about her. what should i do?!

m first kiss

though i told you you are the first boy i ever kissed, i have already kissed other boys and we went further than just kissing. you are hurting my heart every time you disappear and do not give me news.come back please. i am sorry and i miss you

reciprocal

For every bad thing out there that he has done that needs to be washed away. For every pain that he causes. I will live my life attempting to undo what he has done. To me, to others. I will be the kindest person I can be. I will support the weak, I will teach the willing, and I will better the world in anyway I can think of.

Papa, know I am the exact oppisite of you.

my aunt

I hate my aunt for reasons she knows. She’s ugly, loud and the most disgusting person I know. Everytime I think of her I am filled with disgust. I avoid going home to see my mother because I know she’ll be around. I want her to move far away so I will never have to see her again.

Confused??

I love you so much more than you know, but I cannot tell you because you run away from people who love you, and I cannot live knowing you won’t be around…i love him a lots..cant live without him?? he is going around with somebody but does not discloses…wat do do?? shud i die??

Will Karin ever give me a chance.

I have a rep of being a player and to tell the truth I never really cared about it,
but since some months ago I´ve just decided that i wanted to change and become a nice guy, im trying to make my way into a nice and decent relationship with a friend we always date but when i told her about my feelings for her, she replied, that as friends we are allright, but that she just does´nt trust me enought to be something more than it, its tough for me, because for the firs time in my whole life im giving my heart to someone special to me, and its not like if I wanted anyone to price me for the effort, but i just dont know how to get her to belive that i mean it, to me love is a decision, AND I JUST MADE MY CHOICE I WANT TO LOVE HER AND NOBODY ELSE, HOW DEEPLY I REGRET MY OLD SELF knowing the way she feels towards me makes me feel down.

The only thing that i know for sure its that whatever happens and even if i never get my chance I dont want to lose my dearest friend
the most important girl of my life.