Alone

Need to get this off my shoulders.

I’m 19, living at home, have wonderful parents, older brother, and younger sister who i love dearly.

I am a very outgoing girl, love to have fun, always smiling, was never a loner and down to earth.

1.
My dad is cheating on my mum. I found out when he bought another woman home with her. My brother was at his gf’s my mum was on a girls weekend away, my little sister was a friends for a sleepover. I was meant to be going out for the night into town, but plans changed and ended up coming home early.
thinking no one would be home i guess he thought he would bring her home withouth anyone noticing. I’m not sure how long this has been going on for. But now that i know he has been negging me not to say anything to mum or anyone.

The thing that got me most upset was that she sat down on the couch and started talking to me. Like there was nothing wrong.

I was not sure if i had any right to tell my mum. But i thought she had a right to know. After a few months of begging dad to tell her, he didnt so i went and told her.

I sat her down and long story short as soon as i said it she got up walked out of the room with tears running down her face and said that i am not her daughter anymore.

I guess she was just upset and didnt know what to do so she blames it on me.

I have never been exremely close with my parents but i still love them no matter what.

My little sister i think is too young to understand what is going on. when parents fight i usually take her for a little drive to get an ice cream or toa friends house or something. she knows im there for her

2.
My older brother who is a year older than me, we have been the closest of sibling ayone could ever imagine. He is the onl person i feel i could turn to, we were the best of friends.

He has a gf. They have been dating for two years and have just moved into the granny falt at the end of our house together.
His gf has issues. She is a compulsive liar. And will do anything for attention. Including getting rid of me.
Not going into it but she has slowly and gradually turned my brother against me. by making up all these little stories about how i would steal money out of his wallet, sleep around with all of his mates.. just heaps of little nasty things that i would never dream of doing.

anyway, my brother now does not want to know me.

3.
I know im only young, but i have had my bad share of guy toubles. I was dating someone for 3 years. Then found out he had been cheating on me for hte last 6 months of our relationship. After taking him back a few times. The last time was the very last.

I met up with an old friend about 8 months after me and my ex had broken up. We hit it off pretty well and one thing led to another we ended up dating. he had always had a reputation for being a bit of a player. I was hesitant at the start but then learned after a week of him busting out the big “L” word, cheated on me with one of my good friends. I had my suspicions but always approached him and he said i wa just being silly and all that comes with..

4.
I hate my job. It’s pretty slack pay for the amount of work i do. But i can’t afford to study and to have a life (not to sounds selfish) as my parents do not support me in anyway. I pay $10 in board every week, pay for my own food etc. etc. I am greatful for everything they have done, they bought me up to be ther person i am today. I’m prud of myself and i thank them enourmously for that.
but i can’t seem to find a decent job, something that i like doing, or a course i am interested in that is not so expensive. It’s hard to save consierding the circumstances.

5.
I am slowly learning who my real friends are. Slowly learning that people are not who they crack up to be. though lying. sleeping with ex.bf’s, spreading rumours etc etc. the list is narrowing down and i dont know if i can say i have any ‘real’ friends. sure i have firends.. but no one who i can bust my soul out to.

6.
I moved out of home. Expecting to leave all of this behind. Just till sort my head out. but turns out the firned i was living with also was sleeping with BOTH of my Ex’s. I thought she was my best friend.

I had to move back home beacuse i had no where else to go. Its hard living in the same house as a mum who had disowned you and knowing that your dad is cheating on your mum and there is nothing you can do about it.
But i am thankful they let me come back. I still love them.

7.
A friend of mine just died of a heart attack. He was 20 years old. Not at the slightest one bit fair.
I somehow thought that this would bring people together. Make people realise to not take friends for granted. Guess i was wrong.

8. My nanna lives in NZ, i am from Australia. she is sick. And is going to die soon. I think knwoing someon is going to die and not being able to see them because of finacial difficulties and the distance, makes it alot mroe harder.

9.0
A friend of mine tried killing herself the other day.
She backed out and now expects everyone to be fine with it. She does not know how even mentining it affected anyone else. she doesnt know how many people actually care for her.
I can’t explain it any other way. she is slefish and self centred. And did it for attentnion. Not trying to be mean. but iv known her for years. And she is an attention seeker..

So i think it’s safe to say i have trust issues.
I dont know what to do anymore. And i dont have anyone to talk to..

No one knows any of this. And im not sure who i can talk to..

Yet i feel so guilty.. There are people out there who dont even have a family, no home. Nothing. I feel horrible for winging.

I don’t feel I have anyone to turn to..

Getting off on exposing my girlfriend

Ive struggled with this for a few years now, posting her naked pictures up on websites just for a rush then taking them down after (she never has a clue, she would kill me). Ive gone through phases where I have been able to resist for months but then always end up going back. Our sex life has really gone downhill after 3 years, and we are still quite young. I love our relationship so much, everything about it except our sex life.
Recently Ive started using Skype, sending pictures of her to strangers and then masturbating with them while we comment on her naked body. I love it while Im doing it but feel intense shame and guilt afterwards. I feel like I cant be myself around her, or my friends. Just this massive huge secret sex addiction I cant seem to overcome.
I need help, I need people who may have done something similar to help me through this. I love her and respect her so much, yet I keep finding myself doing this completely disrespectful and disgusting thing with the photos she trusted me with.
HELP

Punished and rightly so

I believe in God. And I had promised Him I wouldn’t watch porn anymore if He made the shit in my life flush out. Well, He did help, in a way, but I broke my promise. I don’t know what gets into me, I keep wanting to watch. I like to see people have sex in front of the camera. And ahh I see I’m being punished. My boyfriend is lost for the last 6 days, I dont know whats wrong or is there something even wrong. His cell isnt reponding and he isnt home. I miss him. Well I confessed it so I could promise my God again, God I wouldn’t watch porn anymore. Actually after I’ve watched and materbated I regret it. Because it doesnt seem worth it. So I guess, I am making another promise here, along with the confession. I wouldnt watch it anymore. Just let my boyfriend be safe and bring him back. I love you God. Just this one time and I’ll prove it and make it up.
Yours me.

becoming a slut

I have been married to a wonderful man for many years and our sex life has been good but recently I have started to fantasise about other men…I have started looking at them and wondering what they would be like.
My mind wanders what affect I would have on them and I have started to dress to make them look.
Last week we had builders in and I wandered about with a low cut T shirt and no bra..and pyjama bottoms..I loved the affect I had…which became obvious after a while…I am afriad though that I might go further and risk my marriage but the thoughts are always on my mind…especially if I see young fit men

my invisible scar

It’s been almost 10 years now and I have to get this out. Sometimes it all come rushing back to me… Little memories that come back that feel like I’m still there in that exact moment they publicly humiliated me. I just wish I had the courage and self-dignity to do something about it. I should have never let them hurt me the way they did. I felt so alone and even my friends didn’t stand by me. How could anyone be so hurtful? They didn’t realize how much it hurt me! It was overwhelming and as much as I wanted to cry out for help, the rumor that I was gay that they started was so embarrassing that I felt I couldn’t even talk to my own family about it. I have never felt so alone, insecure or vulnerable in my entire life as I did those years in school. It was somethings that always haunts me to this day. I wonder how different my life would be today If it had never happened. Everything I’ve done since after has been questioned and scrutinized by my conscious because my confidence was crushed. No one should ever have to be put through that torment. No one deserves to feel worthless and unloved like I did. The constant Hell I went through on a daily basis was more painful than any physical pain I have ever experienced. The emotional scar is still there and as much as I wish it would just go away, little things still remind me that it’s there. I hope that someday I will be able to face those people who hurt me so badly and stole my self-confidence and mostly my self-respect. I don’t even think they would remember what they did… I just want to feel like I’ve done nothing wrong. I have tried to create the person who I thought people wanted me to be. The person that I had to be to be accepted. Along the way, I’ve lost myself… I don’t even know which actions are for face and which ones are really me. Who am I? I am so tired of being defined by what I feel I should be and not what I WANT TO BE! Why do I carry this feeling of guilt? It’s as if every person I meet can see this scar…. this insecurity I carry. In everything I do, I feel it. What I can’t get over is the fact that this sense of being ashamed never goes away and that I never did anything wrong to deserve this. I feel like I was scarred on the forehead and if feels like everyone can see this insecurity I have. I am so angry, GOD I AM STILL SO ANGRY, I so badly want to feel normal… I don’t even know what it is to feel normal… Just need to get this off my chest and take control of my life for once!

i am in love with my husbands brother….

my husband and i had our 1st daughter when we were young…. we did the responsible thing… we got married..bought a home..started a family and a life…

i have given up everything.. college..career… friends.. everything because my daughter means more to me than anything ever….

you however,didnt give anything up.. you got worse.. you kept partying…you stayed out all night.. you never came home… you didnt know anything about she or i….

at this point we have been married for 8 yrs…. we have now a second daughter… who also means more to me than anything else.. for our daughters sake i have stayed this long….

your brother and i are in love..real love…

~he kisses me on the forehead always, bc he wants to
*i ask you to,, you ask why and get annoyed

~he wants me all the time. and makes me feel AMAZING about ME!!
*you .. i have to remind you to kiss me ..even after not seeing you in 3 months .(he travels alot for “work”). and we never have sex because i can completely throw myself at you..and you find a reason we cant have sex..yet you blame it on me later.

~he calls me all day long because he misses me and WANTS to talk to me
*i have to remind you to call me ..you have to write it on your hand to remember to call me..and when we do talk it is for 5 minutes then you always have to go for some reason or another

~he brings me flowers and buys me sweet little nothings all the time for no other reason, but he loves me and was thinking of me…
*i havent gotten a gift from you for my birthday ,valentines day, christmas.. nothing.. let alone no reason.. in 8 years…

~he pays attention to the girls, and loves them.
*you are too busy to pay attention to them.(and that hurts me worse than knowing you dont love me anymore)

i could go on and on… but, to make a long story short….
your brother has loved me for 5 years.. and i am scared to lose him… but, i cant bring myself to leave you..because even though the feelings are clearly, not reciprocated, i still love you..
but, i am also in love with your brother..

Husband

Sometimes I get disgusted with myself that I married him.

Unprotected and Young

I have genital warts and I keep having unprotected sex. I just turned 19 last week

There is no god

I’ve seen human life at it’s lowest points. I have seen a family of 14 nearly lose 6 members in what was supposed to be a great vacation out on a boat but the generator blew up. I have seen a young man wreck his motor cycle and was thrown close to 50 feet into a ditch. I have seen a grandmother and her granddaughter t-boned by a drunk driver. I have seen all of them breathe again because I was close enough to save them. It wasn’t Gods will that they survive, it was my training that kept them alive. I’m not an EMT, Nurse or Doctor. I am just an everyday man that has been tested. I’ve passed the test. I’ve saved/helped save 9 people and I am only 24. How many more will I have to save or how many will I not be able to save?

That is what I fear the most….not being able to save. I’d rather die myself.

My secret confession

I have to stop thinking about the past. I was 21 and pregent still living at home with my parents. I was seeing two men. I know both of them very well. I stop seeing one before I found out I was pregent. I prayer that it was the one I was still with. I did advise the other that I was pregent and told me that I prayed to god that it was not his. I found out a month after she was born that her blood type was A pos, the man I broke up with is AB pos. I am B pos and my husband not is O pos. I never told the man I married that the baby was not use that it was the other mans. I have had guilt about this. I just recently called him but did not speak with him, I did leave my number though. I know he has a life and family, I do not disrupt that I just want to share want a awsome girl she is. I realy need to stop thinking about this because it is affecting my marriage and why husband lives me. I am hoping this helps me move on a stop worring about this.