Ariana

We graduated last week and I love her. I love her but I told everyone she hated me. I lied and I made her look like a complete bitch. I ruined her. I push them away. I push everyone I love away with no feelings at all. Why did I do that to her? I’m in love with this beautiful girl who actually loved me back but we’re going to different colleges and I’ll never see her again after this. I needed a way to get her out of my mind. Everyone hates her now. They supported us (we’re both lesbians) and I got them to think she was faking it to make fun of me. I can’t believe I did that. I’ll never see her again. She’ll never know it was me who said that. She asked me and I lied to her. I blamed my best friend. All my life I’ve acted as the victim. Im not. I’ve never been.
Forgive me.

Unfeeling

I know that I may not have the right to say this, but it’s how I feel. I hate my mother. Yes, she was the one who held me for 9 months and raised me for 17 years. But I no longer feel any love towards the woman who insults me, belittles me, makes me feel like I am nothing but the dirt under her feet. No matter how much she says she cares about me, about my wellbeing, I know that she doesn’t. She has told me countless times that if she had the choice she wouldn’t have given birth to me. She has called me worthless, fat, ugly, a disgrace and a daughter she wish she never had. Everything I do annoys her, and when I react back towards the way she treats me? When I try to back myself up and make her see how her treatment towards me is tearing me apart? She laughs. She laughs at my pain and the words she uses that make me cry, she finds amusement. She compares me to my little sister, whom I love, saying why I’m not like her. Nothing I do will make her proud, nothing I do will make her understand even a little how the way she treats me has affected my mental stability. Because of her I have trust issues, because of her I no longer see myself as worthy of praise or affection. Her words make me hurt and they cut me like a knife. If I had known this was how she would treat me, the younger me would have known any I did would be useless, and I wouldn’t have to continue fighting for her love or praise. I would have known anything I did wouldn’t do me any good, and all the pain I’ve felt up until now could have been prevented. I’m tired of her constant insults, and the way anything I say to reason with her wouldn’t be looked at as me disrespecting her and making me a disgrace to even be part of her blood.

I’m tired of all this, this pain and heart wrenching sadness that’s eating me alive. I don’t plan to hurt myself, or put myself in danger. I have someone who loves me and cares for me deeply, and I don’t want to disappoint him. Once I have the resources to leave this hell, I will. And I’ll never look back.

Friend Can’t Seem to Get the Message

There’s a girl I’m friends with who’s obsessed with her crush, even though we all know, and she even knows, he’s not interested in her. She’s writing a story were it’s basically the same situation except she changes their names and makes themselves a few years older. Anyone who know either of them would be able to figure it out in a second. She talks about him constantly, and it’s getting annoying. May I add, this friend has done some really hostile things to me and my other friends in the past, and I’m getting to the end of my rope. Just had to get that off my chest.

If life had gone differently.

I broke up with my ex 12 years ago, but we stayed close friends – though, we don’t see each other often. I’ve been in a relationship for ten years and my ex has been in a relationship for the past four. Yet every time we visit each other, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife, and we have often discussed what it would be like if we never split up, and that we really shouldn’t cheat on our significant others, but we’re dying to be entwined in each other sexually and romantically.

My girlfriend’s husband raped her and I can’t do anything about it

My girlfriend, who is in the process of divorcing her abusive husband, was raped a few months back. She was raped by her own husband! Their marriage has been on the outs for sometime now and she has refused to be his ************************ for a number of years. He would come to her to “get him off” from time to time when she finally said enough is enough. They haven’t shared a bedroom in 5 years. Well, a few months ago, he was seemingly too nice to her and offered to fix her a drink. She woke up in the morning still dressed but her pants were undone and she had nasty text messages from her husband from the night before accusing her of calling out someone else’s name while he was “messing with her”. He had the nerve to slip something in her drink, rape her while she was unconscious then berate her for calling out someone else’s name. As soon as he discovered she was awake he said, please forget about those text messages, I was drunk. I’ve never known a scumbag as low as he, to drug and rape his own wife. Now as her boyfriend, I know this information and I can’t do anything to bring him to justice. All I can do is be there for her and help her through it. She has no proof that he did this except for the texts. I’ve never wished anyone harm before but for this guy, I can wish all sorts of horrible things for.

The promised virgin

I am a religious person. I’ve promised God and my family and those I care about and respect that I would wait till marriage to have sex. Yet I think about it every day, multiple times a day. I want to have sex so badly. I’m in my late twenties and my body is ready to have sex. I think about just doing it and flowing with whatever happens next. But then I think about god, the promises I made. How can I disappoint all those people because I’m horny. I worry that I’m just craving physical touch but hoping still for love. I take care of my own needs frequently but it just isn’t enough. How can I stop these thoughts or deal with the guilt of having sex and letting down God.

I hate myself

I don’t think anyone could hate themselves more than I do. I hate my body, face, thoughts, and even the very sound of my voice. I hate that I can’t be pretty for other guys. I hate that I can’t achieve anything that I truly want in life. I hate being scared all the time. I hate that I have never had a boyfriend. I hate that I know its true when a person calls me ugly on youtube and I’m not even decent looking enough to even give a man a **** **** I want to peel off my skin. I already pick at my skin because I know I’m ugly and there is no point whether my skin is scarred up. I only ever loved one guy and he hated me. I tried everything. That’s it. I try to make people like me and they get freaked out more. I lie to make myself unavailable because I know that people will just leave me. I wish I was someone else. I wish people cared. I wish people didn’t just tolerate me and actually loved me. I wish I could have a conversation with a person rather than myself. Why did I deserve this? Why was I given this curse of being alone? Why cant I be normal? I wish I had the courage to end my life because no one would miss me but I don’t. I hate being a lot of things. I hate that everyone else can find love yet no one looks twice at me. I wish I could bash my head with a hammer, like my face on fire, put a bag over my head, or get a new face. Please why cant I trade this fat body and ugly face for a prettier one. No one likes my dumb round head and my ugly face. No one wants me period. what hurts most is when people tell me the truth. No one can pretend. Everyone needs to chime in. I hate everything about me. I wish people would just be nice to me because they like me not because they feel bad for me. I wish I had money to fix my face and get rid of the things I hate. There is no money or surgeon in the world though that could fix this.

To The Girl I Once Said Had Matured

I hate how I keep reading your posts and seeing all your complaints and how everything in your life is so bad. I hate how our conversation mostly consist of your crush. I hate how I just sit there listening to you talk about my friend that way. I hate how you’re so negative, it’s getting to me and it actually made me see my friends in a negative way. I hate that you gotten me to look at my friends that way. I hate myself for being so negative about them and complaining about their little quirks when really, I have quirks and problems that annoy them too and I should accept them the way they accepted me. I hate how I’m starting to hate so much. I hate how I get so sad now. I hate how you talk about people. I hate it when you talk so negatively about your parents and the teachers that have to put up with your shenanigans. I hate how you talk about that one teacher that way and forget that he too is a human being that gets hurt. I hate how I’m starting to get annoyed with you. I hate how I’m complaining about you and I sound like a hyprocrite. I hate how everything is so sexualized with you when all I wanted was a casual conversation. I hate how when I’ve set you up with your crush you get all shy and ignore them. You’re a good person, I know this. Please stop hurting yourself and be happy. It’ll cause you less stress and you can enjoy more things. You deserve to be happy. Stop reading into things and become paranoid that everyone hates you. You are a strong, confident woman who I know can accomplish so much more than you give yourself credit for.

He doesn’t love me

I have always suffered from low self-esteem and due to some traumatic events in my childhood, I was certain that no one could ever love me. That I didn’t deserve love. And that if anyone ever knew the real me, they would abandon me. I accepted that it was my fate to be alone. But then this amazing man came into my life. He loved me so much. He saved me from my self-destructive behavior. He gave me hope that I could be loved and married and happy. I basked in his love and it healed so many open wounds. I was so happy with him. But I still had issues that were hard to deal with and overcome. I still fall short in so many ways. And I think that over the years, it has worn on him. I think that it has slowly destroyed any love that he ever had for me. He resents me. And I hate him for not loving me anymore. And I hate myself for not being strong enough to be normal and to keep him loving me. We now have a baby that we both love dearly. And I love him so much, but I don’t know if I can stay in a marriage when my husband doesn’t love me. I love him more than anything. I don’t know what to do. I wish I had never believed in him. I wish we never got married. I wish I had killed myself all those years ago….I can’t take this torture anymore…..

To Jennifer

Years and years ago in 7th grade I hated everybody in my class. Everybody treated me like shit, I had no friends. I stole my stepdad’s handgun and a box of ammo and brought it to school. We had a surprise field trip so I couldn’t go through with it that day like I had planned.

I was among the first on the bus and to my surprise Jennifer sat next to me. She didn’t have to, she literally had the entire bus to choose from but she sat next to me. She was friendly and we had a conversation, the only friendly conversation I’d had with any classmate in 7 years of going to school in that shitty town.

I called the whole thing off for the sake of that one showing of friendship. I didnt want to hurt her smilng face. This is the only time I’ve ever told this story. You saved me Jennifer. You saved everybody. I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing these days, but thank you :)

I am obsessed with his Ex

My morning ritual include checking my FB account than checking his FB account, through which checking his ex-girlfriend’s FB page. She usually post everything publicly so I am able to see all her post. At first I did it just to make sure she is not trying to contact him anymore but steadily it became an obsession and now I can’t stop. I become anxious if she doesn’t update a new post for few days.Just to get more information I stalked all her friend’s wall and even though I have never met her I know everyone she hangs out with. The weird part is that now those people are no more strangers for me. . Of course my boyfriend doesn’t know about any of it.

I am cold and don’t have emotions?

I don’t remember since when or why but I don’t feel emotions such as anger , fear , happiness or any other feelings , throughout my life I have always been lonely I never made any friends or anything , I feel hopeless and really weird about this sit now that I analyze it , another thing I have to mention is that when I speak with people and they laugh and tell jokes but I don’t even give a smile or a gesture that represents happiness