Two tears in a bucket….

Mother **** it. It is finals time here and I’m losing my mind. This is a professional degree program so more is on the line then when I was at the state university. I feel like I can’t concentrate.

I meet the prefect woman and all she wants to do right now is whore it up. She has a broken heart and just wants to sleep with as many guys as she can. That isn’t the part that ******* tweaks with my mind. It is the fact that when we were hanging out instead of telling me the truth of the matter she lied and said that she didn’t feel anything for me. Bull shit. She spent the past week building herself up to me and then hanging out was cool and the kiss was great.

No spark my ass.

I’m tired of meeting emotionally unavailable women who can’t be honest with me let alone themselves. I’m tired of meeting all the wrong women.

This shit is hard. Yea, I signed up for it but it is still ******* hard. I’m tired of having no one to turn to when I need a hug or to tell me it is okay. Being alone sucks ass.

I’m also tired of people telling me at least I tried or some shit like that. Yea, I tried, failed, and got hurt in the process. GO ******* ME.

I’ve spent the last year and well over ten grand paying for escorts. I’ve had all the random sex I can muster. Empty, and meaningless.

I want something real with someone.

It seems that is too much to ask.

He’s married

I fell for a married guy. Now I don’t know what to do. He wants to sleep with me, says he “cares” but won’t leave his wife. What do I do besides leaving him, I think I like him too much… At first, besides his wife, I thought I was the only girl I talked to, but I just realized he could be talking to others…

Mistakes

my dad died last month. I have emotions. I have hate. Loneliness. I lost my motivation for happiness. I lost my will power. I quit my job. I cheated in my boyfriend with my ex. I told him the truth. and then i found i got an std from my ex which i then gave to my bf. I’m in hell. how did i get in this place. my dad is not here to help me. I wish he was still alive to shake me before i cheated. or perhaps to slap me. I love my boyfriend so much. he does everything for me. he’s loyal. he’s great. i give him shit for his video games and his nerdy friends and his metal music. why am i so blind. I wasn’t raised this way. I grew up poor. i grew up with the nerds. I had 2nd hand clothes. i grew up on alternative music and metal. . . now . . . i am a varsity cheerleader. I went from brown hair to blonde. I have name brand clothes. $140 dollar jeans. i listen to all the trendy music……and for WHAT! where the hell did i lose myself.

One mistake

I found out i had an STD. I use to be one of those girls that looked down on other girls for being a whore. Sleeping around. . . And i made one mistake. I let myself open to someone who did not love me. I feel bad for being rude to the girls who got an std. they didn’t want this. I took my antibiotics, but im at risk of it staying with me, it could reappear. There’s a chance that it stays with me. And honesty i pray to god this goes away. My mom did not raise me this way. I made this mistake right after my dad died. Is god punishing me right now. why is it, i make these mistake when i am most hurt. My makeup is running because i am crying. my dad died-i quit my job-i cheat on my bf with my ex- and get an std….i deserve this. I’ve never cheated ….till after my dad’s death. this all happened in the same month. I let myself fall apart. I’m in a dark whole and I’m trying to crawl out with out any help.

I Hate my Life

I hate my life. I constantly want to die or live someone else’s life. I’m overweight, ugly, and acne ridden. People don’t think I’m pretty. I’m really ugly. I’m not the ind of girl who people date. I’m secretly pansexual, and my parents are 287654% against same-sex relationships. Last summer, they convinced me that God was against them, and I confessed to them that I’d dated a girl. Now I’m not allowed to have my phone in my room and they try to talk to me about it all the time. My friends at school all think I’m lying about being straight, and they would all be supportive, but I’m too scared to tell them and seek support because my parents might find out. I’ve only ever come out to two people in real life. I tried to tell my best friend one time, but I got so scared that I lied and told her I was just kidding to see how she’d react. I’m so stressed out that I constantly chronically masturbate/watch porn, diet or hurt myself to forget everything.
I want to die.

All I want for Christmas is a job.

Anything.

Old Habits

I’ve been hard-narcotic free for a little over two years now. It’s been a long road getting to where I am now, and all my changes for the positive have been worth the hard work, focus, and abstinence. My family relationships have gotten better, I’ve accomplished becoming an independent adult, renting a condo on my own, paying the bills on time, going to work. In the past few months though, I’ve been having trouble staying happy without drinking, without masturbation, without drugs. My oldest friend and I have been down the addict road together, and while I’ve been able to make some progress out of it for quite a while, it’s not been so easy for him. Lost his father, lost most of his friends, still drinking heavily and using heroine. We used to do all that together. Recently, he had someone deliver him some H to my place while we were hanging out. I wasn’t happy about it, of course, but I always try to put myself in his shoes when it comes to the reasons for continuing use. Anyway, he smoked it in my house, and started getting sick, heaving over the toilet for a good 20 minutes. When he came out, we had a heart to heart about it, telling him how much it concerned me, and that I really hoped he’d get better. He told me how sorry he was for doing it in my house, and gave me the H to put it away from himself. I told him I’d get rid of it, but I never did. I came home from work today, had a couple beers, and lost my will to stay away from it. So, here I am, smoking it, wondering how this will turn out. Not sure how to feel, all I know is that my inner impulse is telling me that I don’t get many chances to get high anymore, especially with this stuff. I’m such a hipocrit. I feel bad for it, but obviously not that much, or I’d have already thrown it out. Oh well.

i am lonely

i am unsuccessful ,incompetent,introverted,and lonely and i counter this loneliness by watching talkshows and porn.all this while my incompetence keeps on growing.and i have failed at so many things that i have absolutely zero self confidence,and that makes me stop from trying new things.

Loser

I think about killing myself everyday.

I Want nothing to do with my bfs child

My bf had a child on me while we were dating. The child was conceived before me. Now that he is here i cant bring myself to be around or want anything to do with him

I’m terrified of failure

I’ve switched school three times now, and I’m on like my Plan C. I’ve moved from A Levels, passionately dead-set on Medicine, to Foundation praying to progress to uni. I’m very very worried that I won’t pass my Foundation Course. I’m very very terrified that I won’t be able to get into a university. I’m mortified that I won’t fit into the norm and I might not be able to get a decent job in the future. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I’m honestly genuinely working the hardest I can. I hate and admire my classmates who don’t even need to try, I hate those who have parties every night and still do better than me. I hate those who never wanted to be a doctor but are blindly working towards Medicine purely because of their academic excellence.
I hate myself for being so academically weak and for being such a burden and inconvenience to my parents, although they are extremely supportive. They’ve sent me to top schools all my life and now I’m doing worse than those who weren’t as lucky to have had the same opportunities. I’m worried that I am secretly an embarrassment to my family. I’m ashamed of myself and I feel this smothering insecurity every second of every minute of every hour of every day, and it’s a terrible thing – I cannot breathe and I feel like I’m walking on glass that’s about to crack and collapse at any second. I can’t enjoy anything anymore, I just have this crushing burden hanging over me.
I know there are other people going through things that are much worse, so I feel bad for feeling stressed over this, something so many people don’t even give a second thought about.
Thank you for being here, just typing all this out gave me 5 minutes of blissful relief :)

I Keep Lying

And I can’t stop. I feel like I have no control over myself. Sometimes I say things and look back a minute later and think why did I make that up. I have had this problem my entire life. Sometimes though when I tell lies it helps people but most of the time it hurts. My husband hates liars and I know one day he will leave me if he finds out. Sometimes I make up stories about people stealing from me because I have memory loss and loose things. And then I look back and hate myself for lying. I am out of control and have no idea what to do about this problem of mine. We just got out of marriage counseling and I have no idea what to do next. Because telling him the truth would only hurt us.