illness & family

Tomorrow I’m baking 40 fairy cakes and blowing up balloons for my 6 year old’s party.

Today, I was told I have bowel cancer.

Awaiting tests to find out how bad it is, but I just want to scream.

Have to keep it together.

I’m the father of an unborn child

I hate myself for this, me and my wife really wanted to have a baby but we are unable to finance all the spends related, so we had an abortion, now I feel terrible, it’s a decision I regret everyday and every night, it’s taking away my sleep and tranquility.

I feel like a door mat.

I feel alone. I feel like a door mat, an old dish rag. I hate that you ask what’s wrong, I start to explain then you blow me off. Why even ask then? I say hey, I do.t want them here, I dont want you going there, but I’m brushed aside. I hate it. Why do I stay with this? Why do I stay married? What the hell is the point?

Catfish

I created a fake Twitter account so I could spy on my stepdaughter’s private Twitter.

I Just Want it All to Stop!

I want to end my life, but I’m too scared of the pain involved.

My ex is suing me in court for custody of our two daughters (they’re both toddlers), and trying to say I’m incompetent. The only reason things went to court is because he took off with them, left the state. He only brought them back because of a court order. He is constantly emailing, texting, and calling, saying that if I have an ounce of humanity left in me I’ll give him the kids. He’s told me from the day I got pregnant what a horrible mother I am.

My mom won’t help me pay my bills (which have quadrupled because of needing a lawyer) because she doesn’t approve of my lifestyle (i.e. I have a boyfriend and play games in my free time). Both my mom and my ex are super conservative Christians, and I’m not. I still consider myself Christian, and try to live my life without causing any harm to others. Yet every time I stand up for myself, either my ex or my mom act as though I’ve violated some law of the universe.

Because I’m so depressed, I’m beginning to think maybe my kids would be better off with my ex. I left him because he was abusive to me (mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually), and I worry that he will begin doing the same to my daughters when they get older. He thinks he is right about everything, and that he can use whatever force is necessary to ensure that the family follows his decisions.

I left him almost 2 years ago, and I’m still dealing with abuse from him. I’m so tired of it. And now I have my mom on my back. I’m also in college full time, which is stressful enough without a turf war over who gets to control me. I just want it all to stop.

So, I want to commit suicide. If I can be given a good reason as to why I should continue fighting, I will.

Death

I have been in depression for years now and have been bullied badly but now I have been attempting. I tried last year and I almost succeeded but I got better bt now im listening to my heart and I can tell this year is ganna be my last

mama

I love my mom to pieces, but she is abusive: mentally, psychologically, and sometimes physically. School is my safe haven, not home. None of my friends understand.

ugh.

When you piss me off, make me feel guilty about something rather small, or just ignore me, I take off the bracelet you gave me and that I always wear, and fantasize about someone else for the night. It’s my way of mentally getting back at you and eventually find ways to fall in love with you again. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve taken it off for that purpose.

I’m taking the bracelet off tonight.
You better try to redeem yourself this time.

My mother thinks she knows me. Ha!

I am an Atheist and have been since I was 13. My mom thinks the only reason I dont go to church with her is because I have such a busy schedule.

She also thinks that the reason I havent had a boyfriend since my early teens is because men are such pigs nowadays and I am so conservitive.
Guesss what, I am a lesbian.

I will let her keep believing what she does, though. At least about the Atheist part. Shes bound to figure out the lesbian part sooner or later.

lonely lullaby

I’m not from a broken home. I have never been abused. I have a loving family. So why is it that everyday for nine years do I wish I was dead? I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to hurt my parents, but I feel that I’m always doing something wrong. I am alone even when surrounded by people. Everyday it’s the same, maybe I should step in front of that truck, but I don’t want to leave that driver with that guilt. I don’t want my family to be the ones that find me. I am young and healthy, no one has ever hurt me, no I do that enough to myself. I do not self-harm because I don’t deserve to feel a sense of feeling, relief, or the need to feel alive. Why do I mess everything up I try to accomplish? I can’t even be a decent human. I am tired, I am scared, I don’t ever remember a time of just wanting to live.

Ancient mistakes

When I was 13 I met the perfect guy for me. He was smart, funny, sweet, and maybe a little weird, but in a good way. He wasn’t the most attractive guy in the world, but his personality made up for it a thousand fold. But I was young and vain and still waiting for my perfect abercrobie model guy. I was also terrified of anything more than the idea of a romantic relationship. He liked me, and when he confessed it I told him I just wanted to be friends. I now realize that he was a one in a million type of guy and I’ll probably never meet another like him again. He’s probably long forgotten me, but I know I’ll never forget him. I wish I could have met him now. If I met him now, I wouldn’t be scared or stupid. I would be with him and appreciate him for the great guy he is. It sounds stupid, I knew him for just one summer long ago, I should really forget about him. But I just know that I missed out on something great back then, and I can’t help but wish I could slap my 13 year-old self in the back of the head and tell her that I might never meet a guy like that again.

Brokenhearted

I fell for one of my best friends, but he has a girlfriend so I’ll never be able to tell him. He is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and he has helped me become a better person myself. He’s everything I could ever ask for in a man… It hurts to know we’ll never be together.